Can you love someone you havn't met?

I know it is not always possible to meet early in the relationship, but I think it is important to meet as soon as you possibly can to consolidate the relationship, or to be able to move on if it turns out not to have the same spark in person. (not direted at anyone in particular).

That said, falling in love and developing a stable long-term relationship are two different things. The first is no guarantee of the second.

Most excellent points. 

I didn't meet my husband online, but there were no sparks flying at first - mainly because I met him as I was moving into his flat as a lodger.  But as we came to know each other and talk without 'phwoar' being in the way we realised what we had was the stuff that we both knew made our parents' marriages last for decades.  It was basically the 'for better for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer' feeling, that we were living with the one who would always be there.

And it was!  We had our 3rd child nearly 6 months ago and will have been married for 7 years next month.  I never have to worry that he'll be one of those blokes who goes off his own wife because she changes with time and age and giving birth to their children.  He knows I find him the sexiest specimen of Scotsman - excepting my celebrity husband, of course.  - no matter what.

And to us, that's as 'phwoar' as it gets!

It's very easy and safe to sit at a computer and type pages and pages..........used to do it myself and think "what a connection. We really KNOW each other".

Sooner or later, you have to meet and live with a person, warts and all. ..then you know if it's really love. I cannot believe how many people still nmistake infatuation and romantic films they've seen for what is LOVE.  Or people who say they want the "fairytale".  Blame romantic novels, blame Hollywood.

It's very easy and safe to sit at a computer and type pages and pages..........used to do it myself and think "what a connection. We really KNOW each other".

Sooner or later, you have to meet and live with a person, warts and all. ..then you know if it's really love. I cannot believe how many people still nmistake infatuation and romantic films they've seen for what is LOVE.  Or people who say they want the "fairytale".  Blame romantic novels, blame Hollywood.

My SO and I have talked about lots of things, including warts.  I understand what people are saying about falling in love with a virtual person who hides their flaws, but Lynsey and I have been very open with each other, even about our flaws. She still wants to be with me even though I've got a wart on my toe.

I don't believe in 'falling' in love because anything you fall into generally isn't good.  And as an adult I feel I have more control over myself than I did when I was 14.

Truly loving someone in a domestic partner/spouse sense is a decision, a sometimes day to day one.

For me at least, I can't do that unless I know the person IRL. 

 Blame romantic novels, blame Hollywood.

Yes, particularly when it comes to the realm of domestic partner/spouse relationships.

We must remember that Hollywood and Mill & Boon's primary goals are to make money by selling tickets, DVDs and books.   

I was a really late-bloomer.  I used to think man-woman (or same-sex if one is homosexual) love was the be all to end all.

It was only later that I realised, there are so many different kinds of love in the world, and the strength of each can vary by person.  For some, the be all to end all love is for a place.  For others, it's their children.  For others, friends.

Etc.

Before I met my husband, I was involved with two other people I met on-line who I met in person.  While I think it's possible to love someone before you meet them in person, I think it is easy to fall into some traps that fool you into thinking you are in love.

I won't bother going into the second relationship, because it was casual, on the rebound, and never was going anywhere (and we didn't have any illusions that it was).  The first one really devastated me.  While I tried to present my best points, and minimize my bad ones, I didn't lie about who I was.  Yet, after meeting him, he accused me of that.  I came to realise that the sort of natural behaviour of "being on your best behaviour" sort of gets amplified on-line if you're not careful.  He saw what he wanted to see, and his hopes for what I was like was reflected in how he filled in the gaps.  We also didn't talk on the phone very much, and voice chat was not an option for him.

When I met my husband, I almost didn't get involved with him.  Not only was I not looking for someone, my experience with the first guy made me think looking for love on-line was foolish.  Sure, if you're careful you might meet some good friends or a person to have some fun with, but love's much too complicated to be sparked on-line.

Well, I know I loved my husband before we met in person.  But, armed with the experience of my first internet dating disaster, I made sure he knew about everything.  Plus we spent countless hours on the phone.  Cheap international calling wasn't as cheap as it is now then, and he ran up a huge bill, but it was worth it.  When we finally met in person, some 6 months after we started talking, the love was obviously there.

You are always going to have things you cannot find out about a person until you meet in person, but that's not that unlike the revelations you will find in conventional dating.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, and while on-line interactions might make it easy to create a fantasy in the other person or hide some aspects of yourself, it's not impossible to make things work, especially if you're careful and recognise the problems that can come up.  But even if you're really, really sensitive to all of it, you still might end up with a failed relationship because that's sort of the nature of any sort of dating.  It doesn't always reflect upon how you met and spent the first bit of your interactions.

Good luck, and enjoy this part of your relationship.

I don't believe in 'falling' in love because anything you fall into generally isn't good.  And as an adult I feel I have more control over myself than I did when I was 14.

Truly loving someone in a domestic partner/spouse sense is a decision, a sometimes day to day one.

For me at least, I can't do that unless I know the person IRL. 

Yes, particularly when it comes to the realm of domestic partner/spouse relationships.

We must remember that Hollywood and Mill & Boon's primary goals are to make money by selling tickets, DVDs and books.   

I was a really late-bloomer.  I used to think man-woman (or same-sex if one is homosexual) love was the be all to end all.

It was only later that I realised, there are so many different kinds of love in the world, and the strength of each can vary by person.  For some, the be all to end all love is for a place.  For others, it's their children.  For others, friends.

Etc.

Hmn, I'm not sure how you can choose to love. I've gone out with women I thought were beautiful and my physical type and we got along great, but I just didn't feel anything for them. If I could have chosen to love that person, I would have, because in my mind it would have been the dream girl, but for me it's just not something I can control. I either love them or I don't and that love isn't dependent on whether the person has flaws or not, which of course we all do.

I'm sorry to threadjack, but Legs Akimbo, is that you in your avatar? Cause that picture is gorgeous!

Nope.  Dorothy Parker. I am fairer, have more freckles, fatter, and have much less fashion sense. 

Hmn, I'm not sure how you can choose to love. I've gone out with women I thought were beautiful and my physical type and we got along great, but I just didn't feel anything for them. If I could have chosen to love that person, I would have, because in my mind it would have been the dream girl, but for me it's just not something I can control. I either love them or I don't and that love isn't dependent on whether the person has flaws or not, which of course we all do.

Conjurus, it is because there are different kinds of love.  I have met people in my mispent youth (and not so youth) who have made my heart leap into my mouth, made me obsessed and think about them all the time, made me want to do anything to make them happy, want to spend all my time with them, generally have the flu like symptoms one associates with being in love.  But...sometimes, these were BAD people to be 'in love' with.  So, when you start getting these worrying symptoms, you take a stap back.  You look at the situation and realise "okay, if I keep hanging out with this guy, I know I will fall deeply, deeply in love, but I know he is going to break my heart just like the last guy did, cos he's a baaaad man".  So you call, you say "you're cute, but I can't see you anymore" and you walk away, probably with a good old cry, but knowing it's the right thing.

And then you meet someone who you think is great, who you get on brilliantly with, and who you think is a potential.  And you hang out with them because they are a good guy, and you are so similar, and you get to know eachother, and before you know it it is three years later and you realise that you are going to be with them for the rest of your life and you have a love with is a million times stronger than your 'love' for the others.  You made a choice. You took control.

Vicky

I've done a lot of internet dating over the years. I gradually came to the conclusion that I had to meet the person as soon as possible and not just continue with the online relationship. Of course, I realize this is difficult in an international relationship. But, this is because we would have great chemistry online and on the phone, but then I'd meet them in person and we wouldn't click. Sometimes the person even repulsed me even though our conversations were great. My husband and I met online. We chatted for about a month and that was long enough for me. I knew that I liked him and was interested in learning more, but there's no way that I was going to determine if I loved him without meeting him in person first. I don't throw the word 'love' around too loosely. All was well and it was a happy ending, but there were lots of other guys who were rejects. Personally, I think you should try not to create the fairy tale in your head before you go. The fairy tale will unfold if that's what's meant to be! 

This....  
I usually gave myself a long period of time (a month or so at least) of chatting with a person online before meeting them in person- but it would always be hmmm...nope, nothing there or give it a few goes and realise it flops.  

What was interesting was J and I had only been chatting for about a week or so until we met up for coffee and that was instant chemistry like I have never seen in my lifetime...  

I can't imagine trying the internet dating thing over the ocean, kudos to all of you who do that...
  

Conjurus, it is because there are different kinds of love.  I have met people in my mispent youth (and not so youth) who have made my heart leap into my mouth, made me obsessed and think about them all the time, made me want to do anything to make them happy, want to spend all my time with them, generally have the flu like symptoms one associates with being in love.  But...sometimes, these were BAD people to be 'in love' with.  So, when you start getting these worrying symptoms, you take a stap back.  You look at the situation and realise "okay, if I keep hanging out with this guy, I know I will fall deeply, deeply in love, but I know he is going to break my heart just like the last guy did, cos he's a baaaad man".  So you call, you say "you're cute, but I can't see you anymore" and you walk away, probably with a good old cry, but knowing it's the right thing.

And then you meet someone who you think is great, who you get on brilliantly with, and who you think is a potential.  And you hang out with them because they are a good guy, and you are so similar, and you get to know eachother, and before you know it it is three years later and you realise that you are going to be with them for the rest of your life and you have a love with is a million times stronger than your 'love' for the others.  You made a choice. You took control.

Vicky

This summarises me too!!!  (well minus the fact I've only been 7 months in, but I have never ever felt this way before)...     

So you call, you say "you're cute, but I can't see you anymore" and you walk away, probably with a good old cry, but knowing it's the right thing.

Where were you with this advice for me 20 years ago? 

Where was I with this advice for *me* from 1993-2005?

 


Vicky

Well said, Vicky.

And a thing I learned along the way, well, the hard way, is that there's no such thing as a 'dream girl' or 'dream guy', because they're people, not dreams.  The same way I don't believe in 'the one' because if you limit yourself in such a way, it may be a certain cause of grief.  What if 'the one' dies, becomes addicted to drugs or develops a mental illness, leaves you and the family you created together for someone else, doesn't see you as 'the one'?  You don't shrivel up and die, and you may actually find a different one who suits you, although perhaps in a different fashion.

And when you talk about 'flaws', well, they can change over time, the same way they do in our bodies (well, my wreck of a one, at any rate.  Anyone watching Loose Women and heard the really blonde one recalling the downward spiral between 35 and 40 and yelled, 'Huzzah!' at the telly?  ).  So you can't really pin them down because as time goes on, circumstances change and one's reaction to these change, too.  What was a flaw maybe be later shown up a strength, one may chose to work on certain aspects of onesels in reaction to circumstances, etc.

I used to waste a lot of time idealising and over-analysing and that caused me a lot of heartache.

For me, long-term love in the man-woman sense of the word is first and foremost respect:  for oneself and consequently, for your partner or spouse. 

That's something that comes with truly knowing a person, and whilst that seed can be sown without meeting the person, it only truly flowers when you get to know the person in real life.

Well said, Vicky.

And a thing I learned along the way, well, the hard way, is that there's no such thing as a 'dream girl' or 'dream guy', because they're people, not dreams. 

This! When I was younger, I had a list of five things a guy must have/be to be the one for me. It's a running joke among my family and friends that my husband is NONE of those.

Well said, Vicky.

And a thing I learned along the way, well, the hard way, is that there's no such thing as a 'dream girl' or 'dream guy', because they're people, not dreams.  The same way I don't believe in 'the one' because if you limit yourself in such a way, it may be a certain cause of grief. 

One of my best girlfriends is miserable because she's all alone, but yet she rejects every guy we try to set her up with, i.e. doesn't even go out with in the first place because he doesn't meet her "criteria".  She refuses to try online dating as well.  She is convinced her prince charming is just going to fall from the sky and sweep her off her feet, like in the movies.  You just want to smack her and go "life is not a frickin fairy tale!!!"  She's 29 and she's not a daft girl, so I just don't get it...