Dealing with Angry Family Members...

As it turns out, the problem might not be Aunt #5 (in order of birth), but Aunt #3...the one we're currently on vacation with.

So far, she's left the room anytime my cousin or Aunt #8 has asked me about moving or about Tim, and she frequently referrs to Tim as "what's his name".  A3 also gave away a train related item from her house that belonged to my pappy she knew I wanted to my cousin's son.


I'm to the point now where moving really can't come fast enough.  If I only have to deal with her once a year for holiday's, that's fine by me!

She sounds a bit childish...I guess all you can do is deal with it as gracefully as you can and not feed into it.

Hey there. What a pity that your aunt is acting the way she is. I am going through a similar problem with my mom.  I met my sweetheart in the UK a few months back and decided that I would apply to Unis over there to be closer to him and my good friends plus I would be finishing up University in the UK, how cool is that!

When I came back to the states I knew that she would have a cow if I told her so I waited a few weeks to break the news about my decision. When I did tell her she didn't want to accept the fact that I could have a long distance relationship; she told me that they never work out. Well so far it has worked out and Jamie wants to come over and visit me and my family.  He's so sweet, he wanted me to wish my mother a happy mother's day and he always wants me to say "hi" to the family from him so that my parents might warm up to the fact that he's a polite guy. All her response is, "I don't know him, why would he say something like that."

Last week I told her that I had been applying to Unis over there and she flipped out. She told me that I was abandoning her and the family.  She told me that I was making a huge mistake by wanting to go to University in the UK and called me crazy. Not only that but Jamie is coming over to visit in July and she doesn't want any thing to do with him. I guess she thinks that he's taking her little girl away from her.

That night I gave my mom a hug and asked her that all I want is her to support me, and all she could say is, "I don't support you and I hope that Jamie doesn't come over here... things could always change."  It is true that things could always change, but none the less it's my decision if I want to go to the UK and it is my decision if I want to have a long distance relationship. I have to make myself happy first.  I am just taking it one step at a time.  If she dishes it to me I try to be the more mature person and be very calm about it. It's very hard, I completely feel your pain.

This is the person I am! I am a crazy American that has always wanted to live in Europe ever since I went on a short school exchange to Germany years back. It just so happens that I unexpectedly met a terrific British guy while I was visiting my friends. Life happens & when life gives you lemons, find someone with a bottle of vodka, throw a party, and for goodness sake invite me! 

-sorry this post was so long... good topic by the way, the venting really felt good! It's nice to have people that understand what your going through. At least I am not the only one!

all she could say is, "I don't support you and I hope that Jamie doesn't come over here... things could always change." 

Aw, man! *hugs* That's awful!  The one person  I can depend on for support is my mom. 

I had a talk with her in the car today after we dropped off my aunt at her house. My mom told me that apparently part of my family didn't like my dad (which is funny, because his parent's didn't like my mom since she wasn't jewish) because they didn't want him to "take her away" (all the way from PA to NYC) . My mom told me that she didn't care what they said, because all that mattered was love, and HER being happy...and the family DID eventually warm up to my dad once I came along, and when my dad died, we had so much support from everyone it was actually kind of overwhelming. 

My mom thinks A3's problem is not liking change - apparently she acted this way when my uncle moved to Kentucky and when my mom got married...but my mom also said that she's worried I've fallen out of "favourite" because now all A3 does is goes on and on about my cousin's 5-yr-old son.

I would emphasize to your mom that you aren't moving to the UK JUST for Jamie, that it's for school, too. School (and I mean no offense here whatsoever!) isn't as permanent as getting married and moving to another country....so in her mind, it might be easier for her to think "my daughter is going to the UK for school for x years".  Then, when x years are up and you are ready to stay in the UK it might go over easier with her.

Update on aunt #3.  Also known as: No progress.

My aunt called me today to ask me a question and in the course of the conversation, I told her Tim's gran had passed away.  She immediately turned on me and very angrily said to me "well, you better not be flying over there again so soon!".  I told her I wasn't sure, since it's still possible that Tim will want me there. She got even angrier with me and started spouting off....

I hung up on her in tears and called my mom at work.  I told my mom that I don't think I can see my aunt (who used to be my favourite!) anymore if she can't support me and support Tim.  And all my mom can do is make excuses for her.  "she's old", "she doesn't like change", "she'll warm up when she meets him"....NO. I don't care.  Being old does not give you license to start being rude! 

I finally got to talk to Aunt #5 last week, too.  I went over and took my UK photos to show her and she absolutely loved the pictures (but did tell me she doesn't want to visit since she doesn't like flying).  She even told me to bring Tim over when he's here so she can meet him....and asked me if we were getting married. So, I've got mom and one aunt on my "side" at least!

....and I still haven't told any of this to Tim. I don't know HOW to tell him that he might receive some hostility from my aunt, other than to just not have him interact with her much. 

It just really hurts after all the effort I put into my relationship with aunt #3 while I was in the UK...I sent her cards, letters, pictures, presents, and I even set up a US Skype number for her to call my computer with (since my mom has Skype, she and I just did Skype-to-Skype)....and I feel like I shouldn't have wasted the money.  None of the photos I sent her are on display at her house, yet photos from all my cousins are proudly around the rim of the china cabinet doors.  I give up. 

....and I still haven't told any of this to Tim. I don't know HOW to tell him that he might receive some hostility from my aunt, other than to just not have him interact with her much. 

That sucks that your aunt is still acting so upset about this.

Regarding Tim's visit, though, is it really that big a deal?  Not to dismiss it lightly or anything, but doesn't everyone have some crazy relative?  (Or maybe I just have a few too many )  Still, I would think just saying "hey, my family's all so excited to meet you, but Aunt ____ is still really upset that I want my life to be in the UK, so please cut her some slack if she's weird or rude, and I'm sorry in advance for that."

It's not your fault that your aunt's upset, and you've put the effort in to make her feel comfortable...if she can't do that for whatever reason, you and Tim will just have to work around it.  Whether that's in just keeping conversations with her limited to small talk, or staying out of her way as much as possible...unless she does meet Tim and fall in love (which would be ideal, obviously, but probably not likely if she's really set in the abandoned martyr mindset).

That sucks that your aunt is still acting so upset about this.

Regarding Tim's visit, though, is it really that big a deal?  Not to dismiss it lightly or anything, but doesn't everyone have some crazy relative?  (Or maybe I just have a few too many )  Still, I would think just saying "hey, my family's all so excited to meet you, but Aunt ____ is still really upset that I want my life to be in the UK, so please cut her some slack if she's weird or rude, and I'm sorry in advance for that."

It's not your fault that your aunt's upset, and you've put the effort in to make her feel comfortable...if she can't do that for whatever reason, you and Tim will just have to work around it.  Whether that's in just keeping conversations with her limited to small talk, or staying out of her way as much as possible...unless she does meet Tim and fall in love (which would be ideal, obviously, but probably not likely if she's really set in the abandoned martyr mindset).

it's so funny you mention that - she absolutely LOVES my cousin's husband.  To the point where he's practically all she can talk about before one of their visits! 

The only thing that prevents me from saying something to Tim about her is he knows that she and I have always been close, and knows she's like a second grandmother to me...so it feels weird telling him she's not okay with things. OTOH, it also would probably raise flags for him if we DON'T interact with her at all...

Well, I'm still not going to tell him now, since he's dealing with Gran. I'll talk to him about it closer to his visit.

It is pretty poo that this is upsetting for you.

I do wonder if you have too high of expectations for your family members though.  This is YOUR life, not theirs, you cannot expect them to have the same level of excitement.  

I truly am not trying to rain on your parade but just to give you a slightly different perspective. I read your post and honestly don't really see what your aunt is doing that is so horrible but I did find your reactions a bit OTT.  

Like Tim's gran dying.  Seriously, if my cousin/aunt/whomever rang me to tell me that their BF's grandmother died, I wouldn't really think about it more than to say "that is sad."  But it certainly wouldn't rank as an event for me.  And I would think that cousin/neice/aunt/whomever a bit weird actually for even bringing it up.  And yet you got so upset that your aunt wasn't concerned about her neice's boyfriend's grandmother that you called your own mother in tears.  I don't get that at all.

Same for the whole photos/cards thing.  My family goes on trips and sometimes I see their photos and sometimes I don't.  It is no indication of how close we are.  They might send a postcard and, horror, I throw it away after I read it.  What am I going to do with it otherwise?

My point is.... Not everything is a personal affront on you.  Maybe you should just calm down about it and that might release some pressure on your aunt.  If I can feel the pressure indirectly from your posts, I can only imagine what your aunt is feeling, especially as she may genuinely be struggling with missing you.  I think you may be making it all worse -- and I don't say that to hurt you.

And totally agree with equestrianerd, I would just say to your BF, "hey, my family's all so excited to meet you, but Aunt is still really upset that I want my life to be in the UK, so please cut her some slack if she's weird or rude, and I'm sorry in advance for that."  And be done with it.  There doesn't need to be a huge discussion or tears or phone calls to your mom.  

And lower your expectations (and pressure) on the other aunt.  Quit seeing it as "taking sides."  That never helped anyone.

It is pretty poo that this is upsetting for you.

I do wonder if you have too high of expectations for your family members though.  This is YOUR life, not theirs, you cannot expect them to have the same level of excitement.  

I truly am not trying to rain on your parade but just to give you a slightly different perspective. I read your post and honestly don't really see what your aunt is doing that is so horrible but I did find your reactions a bit OTT.  

Like Tim's gran dying.  Seriously, if my cousin/aunt/whomever rang me to tell me that their BF's grandmother died, I wouldn't really think about it more than to say "that is sad."  But it certainly wouldn't rank as an event for me.  And I would think that cousin/neice/aunt/whomever a bit weird actually for even bringing it up.  And yet you got so upset that your aunt wasn't concerned about her neice's boyfriend's grandmother that you called your own mother in tears.  I don't get that at all.

Same for the whole photos/cards thing.  My family goes on trips and sometimes I see their photos and sometimes I don't.  It is no indication of how close we are.  They might send a postcard and, horror, I throw it away after I read it.  What am I going to do with it otherwise?

My point is.... Not everything is a personal affront on you.  Maybe you should just calm down about it and that might release some pressure on your aunt.  If I can feel the pressure indirectly from your posts, I can only imagine what your aunt is feeling, especially as she may genuinely be struggling with missing you.  I think you may be making it all worse -- and I don't say that to hurt you.

And totally agree with equestrianerd, I would just say to your BF, "hey, my family's all so excited to meet you, but Aunt is still really upset that I want my life to be in the UK, so please cut her some slack if she's weird or rude, and I'm sorry in advance for that."  And be done with it.  There doesn't need to be a huge discussion or tears or phone calls to your mom.  

And lower your expectations (and pressure) on the other aunt.  Quit seeing it as "taking sides."  That never helped anyone.

Good post, Sara Smile...  I tend to agree with all these points and your advice to the OP.

The only thing that prevents me from saying something to Tim about her is he knows that she and I have always been close, and knows she's like a second grandmother to me...so it feels weird telling him she's not okay with things. OTOH, it also would probably raise flags for him if we DON'T interact with her at all...

IMO, that's all the more reason to tell him...if nothing else, he can support you if/when she's being OTT about things.  Either way, it sounds like it'll be pretty obvious what her feelings are on the matter (assuming she doesn't modify her current behavior to be polite/because she has realized that Tim's a great guy), and at least that way you can both vent about it in private later, rather than it being this awkward thing.  Just my opinion, of course.

Well, I'm still not going to tell him now, since he's dealing with Gran. I'll talk to him about it closer to his visit.

Yeah, it seems like a poor time to burden him with it, but once his visit's a week or 2 away he'll hopefully be more focused on having fun with you in PA and you can give him a head's up then.

Good luck with all of it, dealing with crazy family is never easy!

I can understand what you are going through.  I live in Portsmouth now and have been for the past year.  My Mom never approved of my life style choice of marrying an Englishman.  I dont hear from any of my other relatives.  We made the choice for love and an adventure.  We only have one life to live.  It is hard when you dont have approval or support from your family back in the States.  I see it now that my husband is my family.  I have come to the point that once people have made an opinion, chances are it will not be changed.

Write to me if you have any other problems with the family.  Just know and go by your instinct that you are leading the life that you want.

 

I truly am not trying to rain on your parade but just to give you a slightly different perspective. I read your post and honestly don't really see what your aunt is doing that is so horrible but I did find your reactions a bit OTT.  

I have no idea what OTT means, so I have no idea what you're trying to say. Sorry.

As far as anything else goes - Yes, I expect her to care.  My aunt and I have always been close to one another and from the time I was small, I was her favourite niece. My nanny died when I was 4, so I've always looked to my aunt as being that grandmotherly figure - she came to all my recitals and school plays, made me dresses, I sent her cards at mothers day, etc. Now that I'm doing something she disagrees with, I've fallen out of favour.  In terms of Tim's gran dying and her reaction - I don't expect her to send a sympathy card or anything like that, but I certainly expect her to NOT berate me over the possibility that I'd go to attend the funeral!  If one of my other cousin's husband or wive's grandparent/parent/whomever passed away, my aunt would want to know about it and in some cases would send a card to the family because my family doesn't draw a line between blood relatives and in-laws. Granted, Tim and I aren't married, but even so. Her reaction to the possibility that I might go to the funeral was completely uncalled for.

I can understand what you are going through.  I live in Portsmouth now and have been for the past year.  My Mom never approved of my life style choice of marrying an Englishman.  I dont hear from any of my other relatives.  We made the choice for love and an adventure.  We only have one life to live.  It is hard when you dont have approval or support from your family back in the States.  I see it now that my husband is my family.  I have come to the point that once people have made an opinion, chances are it will not be changed.

Write to me if you have any other problems with the family.  Just know and go by your instinct that you are leading the life that you want.

*hugs* I'm sorry you're dealing with some of the same issues, and thanks for the kind words. 

 

BeccaJane, honestly I'm surprised at you. You are already under lots of stress with Tim's visit and his gran passing, and you know your aunt is not gonna give you the support you're looking for. Why did you tell her? Surely the smart thing would have been to avoid mentioning it, if only to save yourself some possible grief.  

Well. now from that reaction you know that she will not ever have a reaction to bringing up Tim that you'd like. Maybe it's time to either stop bringing up Tim to her or stop letting her get to you to such degree that you end up in tears and making another post here.

OTT means over the top and I think, as Q-G, that Sara Smile makes excellent points.

I have no idea what OTT means, so I have no idea what you're trying to say. Sorry.

OTT= over the top.  (over-reacting, basically?)


Just try to let things settle and not worry about it.  Don't react to it either.  You've made your decision on what you intend to do... just roll with other people's reactions, i guess.

but I certainly expect her to NOT berate me over the possibility that I'd go to attend the funeral!   . . . (snip) . . . Her reaction to the possibility that I might go to the funeral was completely uncalled for.

As much as you don't like it, your relationship with your BF IS different to your other relatives because you live 5000 miles away.  As such, things that seem reasonable when your BF is down the street, just aren't when they are 5000 miles away.

I also thought the idea of you going to the funeral was a bit reactionary and I am not related to you.  If your aunt is like your 2nd mother, well she is going to tell you when she thinks you may be making a hasty decision.  That is her liberty with your close relationship, I gather from your description.  I don't condone the berating but I could see how if your aunt thinks you are being silly, she might go there if you aren't listening. 

The point is, I can understand where you aunt is coming from and it has nothing to do with not being on your "side" or not "supporting" you or even about "falling out of favor."  Your aunt has an opinion and she gave it to you after YOU started the conversation.  Then you get mad when it isn't what you want to hear.  That isn't your aunt being mean.

From a different perspective, I've noticed that many people (especially older folks) have very negative views about online relationships.  And an online relationship with someone from a different country is even more unpalatable to some.  You may want to keep that in mind when speaking to your aunties, and perhaps even explain how common internet relationships are these days.

My personal experience has been mixed.  Many of my family members and friends love my spending time over here, as it's a good excuse to visit the UK.  My mom would prefer Ross and I to settle in the US, but she understands that sometimes jobs and such interfere.  Some people are clearly just plain jealous, which I just ignore.  The most important thing in my family, is that I have made it very clear that my decisions are not up for debate or criticism as I'm a healthy, successful, happy 27 year old woman.