What If It Doesn't Work???

Gosh, I'm not very good about opening up on these matters, but I really need some guidance.  My fiancée and I are considering getting married when she visits me in the US in two weeks.  This will save us the expense and hassle of the fiancé visa step.  However, we've had very little time together in person (though lots and lots of time together via Skype). 

I'm excessively anxious about the "What if it doesn't work?" question.  If we marry, I'll likely aim for moving there at the end of the year or the beginning of 2011.  However, I don't have any friends or family in the UK, and will be completely beholden to my fiancée for all the necessities of daily life. 

I'm imagining all sorts of calamities.  Watched too much Alfred Hitchcock I guess...  But what if we have a falling out and she puts me and my belongings out on the doorstep??  Where would I go?  Who could I turn to for help??  I have a vision impairment which means I will never be able to drive, and learning my way around will be harder than for the average person.  I'll need help in learning how to get to the bank, the grocery store, shopping, post office, doctors, all that good stuff... 

I'm just realizing how helpless I'll be.  The money, the telephone numbers, the postal codes... even simple things are mysteries...

So, has this ever happened to anyone before?  Is there a place an expat could turn for help in such a dire situation? 

I know this probably sounds outlandish, but for me, if I've got a plan for the worst case scenario, then I find I can cope with the lesser anxieties ... like what if she doesn't put the cap back on the toothpaste??   

Surely I'm not the only one who has such fears in moving so far away from home??

Cheers!
Teddy

We all had them, so don't worry about that part.

It would be difficult if she put you out, but if all else fails you can call the US Embassy. 

Only you can know if it is right, but there are always ways to go back, so don't let that worry stop you! 

Honestly, I rarely ever worry about this. I know it is a remote possibility, but I feel in my heart that my fiance and I are meant for each other. (Believe me, I didn't believe in soulmates and "meant to be," but I guess you really do just know when it's right.) We have been together for a year and a half, and spent just a few months total of that together in person. So I understand the concern of not having spent much time together in person. That was sort of the thinking behind my last visit to see him. I spent an entire month in Scotland. I wanted to get a feel for what everyday life would be like with him, and what life would be like in Scotland. I got all the confirmation I needed. Have you had a chance to have a longer visit...as in several weeks? How long have you and she been together?

I know this is a huge step for me, and it is on his playing field. But I also know if the worst were to happen, and my heart was broken, my mom would pay to fly me back home immediately and help me pick up the pieces. I know it would never come to that, but it helps feeling like you have that safety net. Do you have someone like that in the states who would do anything to help you if you got stranded in the UK?

Yes this is hard.  Im sure we all have worries "What if it doesnt work".  I am selling everything I own (as we speak), as Im sure lots of people here do, and yes you are taking a huge step, but I try to tell myself that life is all about trying to make yourself happy.   You are going to make mistakes here and there, but you gotta take risks right?

Think about this....if you decided NOT to go ahead with it, and NOT go over and be together....will you always be wondering what would have happened...and regretting not at least giving it a go?

Have faith in your feelings, trust in your gut. 

This is how I see it:

I have friends who married after literally three dates together.  Now, they've been married 10+ years with children.

On the flip side, I have friends who dated for about 5 years, and then lived together for a year.  Once they got married, it didn't work, and they ended up splitting soon after the marriage.

My fiance and I believe that as long as we both are committed to the relationship, and we make sure to communicate with each other and not let problems fester and grow, then things will go alright.  Whether we've been dating for weeks, months, or years - if we want to make it work, we'll find a way.

The distance is a bit scary too, but I figure the same thing could happen even if you're moving somewhere different in the US.  If my fiance was in California (I'm from New England), I would also be faced with potential problems of "I won't have friends and family in California" or "I don't know where the local grocery store is" or "what if I have to move back to Massachusetts" and so on.  

Heck, even moving from Connecticut to Massachusetts (several years ago) made me feel a tad disoriented, and that's just a 2.5 hour move away from home.  I didn't know anyone in Massachusetts, I didn't know where the banks were, or the grocery stores...I didn't know what doctors and dentists were recommended around the area, I didn't know the roads...and that was just one state away.

So, I figure, take a chance and go for it.

If it doesn't work, yes it will be scary and frustrating and costly and a whole lot of other negative adjectives, but it probably won't be the end of the world.

Oh man, not to put you off, but there have been a few instances of this on UKY, though usually we have much more happy endings.   In my learnings, its best to have a backup plan, should something awful happen.  

I didn't move to the other side of the world when I moved in with my other half as I was already living here, but I did give up my house, changed my post, set up the internet, etc, and it ended up a nightmare and the move itself ended badly. It was all way too soon and in hindsight again, I can see the immaturity and warning signs that should have gone off. But when you're head over heels in love and you think you've finally found "the one" you're not always rational. (No, I'm not too young a person either, I've had several long term relationships)   I ended up living with my friends for several months and I am thankful for good friends.   We're still together (and many will tell me I am a fool, which I probably am, but I am still in love and my other half has gotten lots and lots of therapy and help with his issues) but we don't live together.  I'm not even going there at the moment.  

I will never be able to drive, and learning my way around will be harder than for the average person.  I'll need help in learning how to get to the bank, the grocery store, shopping, post office, doctors, all that good stuff... 

Have you told her all of this in a very serious way?  I remember when I had this conversation with my husband before I moved and asked him if he was sure he could manage REALLY taking care of me almost like a child for the first few months and he was like "oh it wont be like that.  You will be doing A, B, C thing before you know it" and I had to really lay it out and tell him that it WOULD be like that.  I wont be able to take myself anywhere, I wont know how to do things as simple as operating the boiler, I wont have anyone else to speak to and you will have to prop me up for awhile."  I remember that really scaring him, so I let him think about it for a few days and then asked him again.   My advice is to have this conversation more than once before getting married to make sure she knows what shes in for and that shes up for it.

This is how I see it:

I have friends who married after literally three dates together.  Now, they've been married 10+ years with children.

On the flip side, I have friends who dated for about 5 years, and then lived together for a year.  Once they got married, it didn't work, and they ended up splitting soon after the marriage.

So, I figure, take a chance and go for it.

I'm with Aquila on this one, but with a word of caution.

My parents were married 3 months after their first blind date. They were married for 45 years until my mother passed away.

Hubby & I met online (like a lot of people these days) and did emails, IM & phone calls for over a year. He proposed 2 days after we met in person for the first time. A month later I was on a plane to England. I knew he was the one.  Next month will be our 5th wedding anniversary and I've never been happier.

Of course I had second thoughts, but never strong enough to make me think I was making a mistake. I remember telling my sister-in-law that he was the only person I'd met who truly "gets" me. That's how I knew.

If you have both been really open and honest in your communications, then you know who the other person is and that is the strongest foundation for a relationship you can have. But if you know you haven't been completely open or you think she hasn't then maybe you need to slow down a bit.

It can be hard, especially the not having a life of your own until you find your feet.  I'm sure you're doing this, but talk this through.  I've found that helps.  It was still frustrating but I told my dh, look, it's going to be like I'm a five year old all over again and I'm going to be annoyed because I like my independence, and you might not like me asking 50 questions on a daily activity and tagging along all the time, but I need this for a little while.  We got through it and actually, bless him, he still thinks I'm at that stage and tries to do loads for me. 

The other kind of reassuring thing that my mom made me do, and I was so angry at her at the time for it, was I have a US account that my parents are on as well.  In there is an emergency fund just in case.  When my mom made me set it up, I thought she wasn't being supportive, but I always knew I could get out if anything went too wrong.  Luckily it hasn't. 

I'm certainly glad I'm not alone in this, and even if others are not quite as freaked as me, the possibility of "What if it doesn't work??" certainly seems to have been thought through and discussed.  Thanks to bookgrl, Carrie2Scotland, katrinacov, Aquila, phatbeetle, mirrajay, Mops, & internet addict for the replies...

bookgrl, I've saved the URL for the US Embassy.  I just wonder exactly how much help the embassy would be in a "dire" situation, though?

katrinacov, I will be selling everything I own as well.  This is a really big deal to me.  I own my home outright - no mortgage, and it's been my greatest bit of security.  The idea that, if the economy totally tanks, and regardless the fluctuations of life, I have moorings...  But yeah, you gotta take risks, and I am not risk-averse. 

Aquila, I very much like your point about the variability in outcome - some relationships with a long, slow beginning still fall apart, and others with a very brief commencement are enduring.  Good to remember.  In fact, my mother remarried after the death of my dad.  She'd only known the man she married a very short time, and he'd actually only been to our house one time before she tied the knot.  She's now 84, and they've been together 35 years.  Of course, for him it was a move across town and not across the ocean...  But still, things can and do work out, and length of "courtship" is really not a predictor, is it?

phatbeetle, so you had a nightmarish start to your relationship, but it's worked out in the end, then?  However, it sounds like you've had friends who came to the rescue, and that's the back-up that I lack...  *sigh*

mirrajay, I've tried talking to her about this.  She gives the "everything will be okay" response, "you'll pick it all up quickly", and so on.  She has a tendency to say/think that everything will be just fine - which might balance my tendency to worry, in the long run.  For example, she was original supposed to fly over here, arriving May 7th.  Then that darn volcano in Iceland began spewing it's ash... Apparently, I'm not in good favor with the volcano gods...     She kept saying it would be okay, and I had to ask her a million times to verify that her flight had not been canceled.  Finally, she called the airline, only to learn that yes it had been canceled!!  She says she will help me, and I do think she will.  But truth is, she's got young kids who need her as well, so there will be limits on her time.  Also, I don't know if she will be jealous of my independence...  Getting out and about by myself...  Bottom line, despite bringing up the issue, and despite her reassurances, I'm not certain that she fully comprehends exactly how needy I'll be.  I'm not sure she, or anyone, would up and say, "Well, that might be a problem" or "Let's rethink this".  I think most people would offer reassurances, but one never knows for certain how it will feel until they're in the position.  Just no guarantees in life...  I guess the best I can do is prepare her for it, and hope for the best??

internet addict, your description of the helplessness dilemma as being like a 5yo again is very helpful.  Part of my problem is lacking the words to describe the disorientation I know will be part of the relocation.   She has not traveled outside of the UK since she was a teenager.  I'm hoping her visit here will give her the chance to experience the many differences first hand, and get an inkling of what I'll be facing.  I'm sooo torn.  If time & money & logistics were not issues, then ideally I'd like to visit there at least once more, and not get married on her upcoming visit here.  On the other hand, the separation is excruciating, and I detest the feeling that my life is in some kind of limbo.

Our situation may be pretty extreme - I don't know?  We've only met once in person.  But we've been in near-daily contact for about 9 months.  Skype is a miracle!  We leave it going even when we're not actively talking.  I can see her sleeping (darn time zones!), her interactions with her kids, visits from her friends and neighbors, and so on.  She can see the same on my end.  That's about as good as it can get, given the miles.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if I've lost my mind...  Who would sell everything they own and move across the ocean to another country where they have no friends or family for someone they've only met in the flesh one time???  But despite the worst-case worries, and despite having only been together my one trip over there, I wouldn't even be entertaining the idea if there were no substance.  I really don't want to paint a bleak picture.  Love exists, and it is mutual, and we do "fit" like two puzzle pieces.  I could not begin to imagine not having her in my life.  And her kids are already invested in me - something I welcome wholeheartedly.

Still.. there is that little "What if..." voice.  And on that score, I simply don't know what my back-up plan could be.  My own family is very dysfunctional and distant.  Got no siblings, aunts & uncles all deceased, father deceased, elderly mother who could not help me - just my cousins basically, and we are not close enough to turn to them for help.  I really don't know what I'd do if Mr. Hitchcock writes the script...   

On a tangent.. what are the abbreviations I see of "dh" and so on? 

Cheers coming from midday Friday in the eastern US!

Teddy

I had my passport stolen in Italy back in 99 and the embassy was a great help.  I think someone here has used them in the past, but I am not sure who.

They will help you get home, you just have to pay them back. 

Dh = dear husband.  Similarly you'll see dw = dear wife, df = dear fiance(e), ds = dear son and dd = dear daughter.  It's so we don't have to use real names if we choose not to.   

I get what you are saying about being on your own.  The US embassy can probably provide you an emergency loan if you absolutely need to leave the UK.  I think it's probably a pain to get and you have to pay it back but it's there if you need it.   

bookgrl & internet addict...  you know, I'm actually less concerned about needing money.  I'm most definitely on the meager end of the scale, but I do have my savings and will have more savings when I sell my house.  My crazy thoughts go more like - if I found myself thrown out on the sidewalk (er, pavement?), where would I go until I could get back to the US?  I'm assuming that if it all went to h%ll-in-a-handbasket, that I couldn't stay in the UK, and so going back to the US would be the only option.  And if I figured out where to stay in the UK till getting home, to where would I return in the US, since my home would be sold???  Those are my nightmare questions...  My private anxieties prolly need some disinfectant before public exposure!     I knew I should never have watched Fatal Attraction!   

Teddy

Those are my nightmare questions...  My private anxieties prolly need some disinfectant before public exposure!     I knew I should never have watched Fatal Attraction!   

Teddy

Teddy, I think all that is normal to worry about and good to plan these things through. Shows you're logically thinking about this crazy thing called moving to the UK 

You're right, I was completely lucky in that I had friends to go to. 
However, there are options for where you can go until you can get a flight out and leave- B&Bs, hostels, hotels, etc.  And UKY'ers are very creative and supportive people, so we will try our best to find creative options for you as well.   
And the Embassay probably can help as well if you're completely stuck.

Do you still have family in the US? Perhaps they'll be a good safety net to allow you to crash with them if the need arises. I know that if I had problems, I have plenty of family to return to.  I know not everyone is so fortunate. If that's not an option, how about any friends in the US? 

I'm excessively anxious about the "What if it doesn't work?" question.  

That being the case, perhaps something in your gut is saying that it's too soon?  Or that you're not yet ready?  I think it's important to pay attention to internal messages like that, personally.

Everyone has given you really great advice, btw.  If it were me, I'd give it more time.

My British husband and I knew each other about a year and a half before I moved over, and on a fiancee visa then - to get married over here.  In that year and a half, we spent about 9-11 weeks together 24/7, and the rest of the time we were apart - keeping in touch via email, phone & post.  I do think 'in person' contact is important to developing a relationship & a taste of what life together in person might be like, but that is just my opinion.  Also, with moving over on the fiancee visa, we had that six months (within which to be married) - knowing that it wasn't too late to still change our minds & I still had close ties at that time in the US I could go back to.  Fortunately, it all worked out in our case.

Nothing wrong with caution and taking more time, surely?

And if I figured out where to stay in the UK till getting home, to where would I return in the US, since my home would be sold??? 

Could you arrange to rent your home out for awhile, or not sell it right away - until you see how things go over here?