How did you tell your family?

My dh and I are debating when we should let our families know of our plans.  We plan to move next spring (touch wood) and were thinking of telling everyone in late summer, to give them 6 months or so to actually spend some time with us before we go.
How did everyone here handle this?  Did you hint around first or what?  What responses did you get?
Also, I have already talked to my Dad about it..he's OK with it but I'm feeling horrible guilty.  My Grandma (his Mom) died last week, and he lives in TX so he's pretty far away.  He wants to move here to be nearer all of us, and then I'm going to leave.
Any advice on this?  Did anyone else feel really guilty and awful, like you were abandoning someone?
Also, has anyone had a relative come and visit for any length of time, and what was their reaction to England?

Boy, I will be waiting for the answer to THIS one! Sorry I can't help you with an answer, because I'm in this same situation. I don't want to mention to the parents (even at my age   ). When I even brought up that I wanted to go to UK on a short trip, my mother came unglued     "You're travelling?? When we're going to have a war?"    

My parents aren't really supportive of change, so I'm waffling between the "tell them early and give them time to get used to it" and the "tell them at the last moment so you don't have to listen to them tell you why they think you shouldn't" choices. I moved once before, gave them lots of warning to get used to the idea, and spent the next six months listening to them over and over, questioning my sanity, my facts, my plans, etc etc. I regretted telling them so early because I reached a point where I didn't even want to visit or call them the last 2 months before the move because they simply wouldn't let it go. In retrospect, the prior move was a great decision and turned out really well. But my parents haven't changed...they still question any kind of change relentlessly. I love them dearly, but I can't pass up opportunities because of their fears. It DOES make me feel guilty.   Granted, they don't call me much generally, but I guarantee you this would instigate a lot of calls from them, trying to talk me out of it.  [smiley=worried2.gif]

Did those of you that are already in the UK (or have already told your extended family of the impending move) have these kinds of problems? How did you deal with them?  

Sorry, but I don't have much advice for either of you. :-/  I went through the same problem you're having five months ago.  It didn't turn out very well lol.  I went about getting my passport and visa and flight booked before I told them . . . having physical evidence, some of it non-refundable, that I really was moving helped me keep my resolve.  I told them only 2 weeks in advance.  I was stuck as well, telling them sooner or later, but I opted for later because, guilty as I felt about it, I didn't think I could long put up with the questions and the prying and the crying that I knew I would get. I set a date for when I was going to tell them, practiced saying what I would say in a NOT shaky and nervous voice, imagined their responses and tried to think up things to respond with.  I do have to admit that the planning and the practice helped when it came right down to it.  If I had been unprepared, I probably would have broken and they would have had good evidence that I probably wasn't old enough or strong enough to do this on my own.  I worried about it so much and was soooooo terrified that for a good three days before I broke the news I spent a lot of time at the toilet throwing up.  

My parents have never traveled across the pond, and even though they are fairly wealthy and intelligent people, they have a shockingly narrow view of the world.  My mom's definition of a foreign country, English speaking or not, is a place one goes if one wants to be mugged and murdered within one week.  Knowing that I would get really crazy reactions like that, I hinted around for a few weeks about the good points of living in a place like the UK, or mentioned how much I wanted to travel to Europe, something they have no interest in doing.  This helped set up my reasons for leaving.  When they asked over and over why I wanted to move, I could say, "For months you've known how much I wanted to . . ." (it wasn't a few months, but most people don't have memories good enough to realise that).  

Trisha, I completely understand what you went through before that move you took.  When what I really needed/wanted was my parents' support and help, all I got was their complaints and their questioning of my ability to do what I wanted to do.  They never shut up about it, and it got to the point where I didn't even want to be seen off at the airport I was so sick of it!  Even though I was dreadfully nervous, the way I slumped with relief when I sat down on the airplane was an indication of how rough it had been to go through their interrogations.  

I think that because you are an adult, Trish, you could have an easier time with this than I did, simply because your parents don't really have the "rule" over you quite the way that they used to.  You can make them understand that what you are trying to do is very stressful and you don't need them making it any worse.  Let them vent and fume for a few days, but once it starts getting excessive, lay down some rules.  Let them know that you've heard their questions, their fears, and what they think will go wrong, but that you've made up your mind and you want to leave happily.  Then, put the pressure on.  It sounds horrible, I know, but tell them you won't talk on the phone if they go on about that subject, then stick to it.  I think if you said, "Mom, I'm going to hang up if you don't change the subject," will either change the subject very quickly or end the conversation altogether.  After a few of these, your parents will get the point and you won't have to deal with the problem much after that.  

Hope that was helpful!  
Jewel

 My mom's definition of a foreign country, English speaking or not, is a place one goes if one wants to be mugged and murdered within one week.  

Ok, obviously our mothers are related!  

I took my daughter to Disneyland in CA when she was 9 (and I was 29) and I thought my mother was going to have a stroke she was freaking out so much! I can understand a little parental worry.. that's healthy and normal, I guess. But I am by no means a risk taker when it comes to travelling practices, so it was a somewhat excessive reaction.  

It's funny. My father was in the military and travelled all over Europe when we were kids. He told us stories and brought back souvenirs and pictures of all the neat places he went. But when I even mentioned wanting to visit the UK this summer (ya know, the hinting around thing, warming up to the big entertainment), he says "Why would you want to do that?"     My mother, of course, brings out the "it's dangerous, you'll be mugged, the plane could crash"    Not my most tactful moment...my response "Oh come on, I could step off a curb and get run over by a bus right here in the good ol' USA. I could get mugged right here, too. It's no more dangerous than here."   I don't recall my parents being that paranoid when I was a child...maybe it's an old age thing?

Jewel, you're right, at least to some degree, with my age I do have some modicum of control over it. Doesn't stop the guilty feeling though, nor does it allow me to share the excitement of plans with them, which is unfortunate.  Oh well, guess I'll just have to play it cool til the last minute.  

We told our families pretty soon after we decided to try to make the move happen -- about 6 months before our actual move date (I still can't believe it only took 6 months!)  My family was a bit apprehensive -- mostly about our son (4 1/2 then) being so much farther away.  He's the only grandchild on my side.  DH's family was very supportive.  We hadn't lived in the same state as either of our families since university, so we were already living "away" and only saw DH's family 2 or 3 times a year, and mine a bit more.

Both sets of parents have already been over to visit, and we've only been here 5 months.  We are planning on going back to the States at the end of the summer to visit family and friends.  So, we'll probably see our families once or twice a year while we are here.  Both our parents have traveled a lot, and the threat of war makes no difference to them.  I agree with your response, Trish.  You're more likely to die in a motor vehicle accident than a plane crash, be murdered, or anything else.  Risk exists everywhere, if you look for it!

As for how our families liked England -- they loved it!  From their perspective as parents/grandparents, they were happy to see where we lived, and how comfortable and settled in we were -- nice community, nice school for DS, etc.  They think it's an incredible adventure living here, and that we should take advantage of it.  

Being as we are probably "short-timers" (3-5 years) in the UK, their perspective was probably different than if we were moving permanently.  But, airplanes travel both ways and the phone still works.  As I said before, I think it helped that we already lived "away" from our families and didn't see them all that often.

Stephanie

I'm like Stephanie, in that we were living three states away from my family when we decided to move over here.  Plus the fact that James is English and my parents knew he wasn't happy living in the states I think they were prepared for it.  They've been great and have never tried to make me feel guilty or as if it wasn't the right decision, even though I know they're not happy about the situation.  I think it helped that I've always been the wanderer in my family and everyone has always known that I wanted to move away.  It's not easy but I think openness and honesty worked for me.  
One advantage has been that my Mom who never flew before, now makes an annual trip to see us.  She and my Dad have also started going to Florida for vacations and she goes on trips with her bowling team all over the country-so I see it as being beneficial to everyone.  

I had kind of hinted it before we actually made the decision. It looked like it was going to go that way anyways, so I let my parents know how everything was progressing so they wouldn't have such a big shock, gave them a chance to get used to it.

My parents didn't like it much. I came here in Sept to meet my future in laws and when I came back my mother didn't speak to me for about a week because I came back liking England instead of hating it. We worked in the same building, so I saw my mom ALL the time. She couldn't think about me leaving without crying. So they didn't take it well.

The morning we left for the airport was the hardest. I was trying to be strong and keep it together in front of my new husband, but my family and I are so close that it was very very hard. They're okay with it now, even though we told them we'd only be here for a year, and now they know it'll be longer.  

It was a bit easier for me I believe...  first I am middle aged and that has some significance on the issue...  My parents are gone and that also placed an easier task at hand...  My step mother and siblings were not thrilled and tried very hard a few times to convince Tom and I differently...but in the end I just told them that it was something I wish to do...  that Tom has children and I do not...  that as much as I love my step family...  I never see them except for gatherings anyway... so there was nothing really keeping me here.  they gruffed and grumbled...but in the end, everyone is excited and happy now since they love Tom and also they know they have a place to stay if they wish to come to England...

However, I have just recently had my real sister come back into my life and we have made ammends for all of our differences...  that makes it harder to leave...and she too is getting married this fall and I know I will not be able to afford to come back home for her wedding...  so we are trying now to make up time by helping each other organize our weddings...

But all in all, I still know that I belong in England and with Tom...so that is where I will be.

My folks got a years notice (they we're told when we got engaged) and I must say they handled it remarkably well. They weren't 'dancing in the aisles' but they never once made me feel guilty or tried to change our decision. They were very respectful and helpful with our move (if not overly emotionally demonstrative)...and I think I felt more guilty because they were so supportive.

Now, the fact that my mother was convinced I would never marry again (being a single mom with 3 kids) probably played a part in how my parents reacted   I figure the poor woman was so glad somebody was willing to marry me and be a stepfather to my brood that we probably could have been moving to Beiruit and my folks still wouldn't have fought it  

What I find funny lately is my mother is still being awfully 'well behaved'. My mother was always scared that the English climate would be hard on my daughters health. Even after the Docs examined my daughter and said they felt that she'd be okay, my mother kept voicing this concern...not really nagging, just honestly expressing her fear.
She has to this date, refrained from saying 'I told you so' about any of  this. Not a peep of maternal 'know it all-ness' during our entire relocation back to the States. I figure it has to be killing her...if you knew my mother, you'd know how out of character this is for her. I've never ever known her to be this 'right' and let it go...Tim and I have been placing bets on how long this can go on. I figure she'll pop around Easter  

Red

In the eyes of our parents, do we ever grow up for them or are we forever destined to be 'children' and treated as such, no matter what our age and maturity is.
There is always an element of possessiveness and a reluctance to accept that the children are independent adults. In a way, it is ironic as a child who has been cared for, loved and grown to be a well balanced, mature and independent person is indeed a great success for any parent.
Those of us who are parents in our own right, how do we view our own children ? Are we copies of our own parents in our attitudes ?
With reference to some of the points made in this thread, it is my belief that parents should be involved as early as possible in making them aware of plans. I know it may not be easy and at times biting your tongue is the order of the day. But not only does it involve them and give worth to their opinions, it also allows ample time for them to adjust to the future situation. In the long run there is less chance of major arguments developing and soured relationships. Not the ideal if you are moving lock, stock and barrel to another country. Yes we are adults and responsible for our own decisions but ultimately our decisions affect others and it does no harm in 'taking these onboard' when setting out future plans which are major events in our lives and in the lives of our families.

Well, Phoenix, I can see your point.....somewhat. But I'd have to say I do feel that, as all people are different, different approaches are called for. My parents are not going to find out til fairly close to move time. After browsing posts on this thread and discussing various options with my sister (who knows of all my plans and is VERY supportive), we've both come to the same conclusion. Wait til about a month before the move. My father is a career military guy and used to barking orders and expecting we follow. He still has not come to grips with the idea that we're not required to follow his demands. So while I love him dearly, I also have to make my own decisions. My mother is a bit (understatement?) of a worrier and follows my father's demands. My goal at this point is simply not to allow them to make me feel guilty for moving farther away. That seems to be the trend ("How can you think of taking the grandchildren that far away?" "Why would you want to go there when your family is here?"). There were days I avoided their calls completely because I just wasn't up to the constant mental wrangling. I understand their concerns, but I also know that they didn't allow themselves to be run by my grandparents (and believe me, the GP's tried!) when my father was in the military and moving the family around the country every 2 years while we were growing up. As far as telling them early on and biting my tongue, I can only think this would cause some resentment on my part. When we moved previously, we spent over 6 months listening to complaints and persuasions and downright negative comments from them, and it made me quite aggravated and resentful. All I could think of whenever I hung up the phone after talking to them (or leaving their house if I was visiting them) was "Why can't they be happy for me? Why can't we enjoy the excitement of a new adventure?" I guess it's still pretty much on my mind (obviously!) that it may be that same way again (and really, they did the same thing to 2 of my siblings), and I am simply not up to it this time.  It's not a matter of taking the easy way out, but a matter of keeping the possibility of confrontation and long-standing resentment to a minimum. While I understand this is a "major development" in my life, and it does affect my parents....when they only see us once a year (or less, and WE're the ones who do the travelling generally) anyway, I can't see that this is as much an issue of difficulty coordinating visits or contact as much as a control issue. In this day and age of e-mail, telephone, etc, it's not like we're in the dark ages and wait for months for mail to arrive with news from the New World  . We do have relatives in Europe (Belgium), and they are easily contacted through e-mail, chats, and sending pics over the internet.

See, I think part of my problem is that generally my family can't be bothered.  My Mom lives 15 minutes away.  She never calls, she never comes to see her granddaughter.  She actually was supposed to take 2 weeks off work when dd was born to help me, but then used the time to remodel her kitchen instead, leaving me here alone while my hubby worked, dealing with post-op pain (c-section) and post-partum depression.  
My father-in-law is about the same distance away.  He has this live-in girlfriend who is seriously one of the worst people I've ever met.  She is rude, arrogant, loudmouthed and annoying.  We used to be pretty close to my f-i-l, until she came into the picture...now we never see/talk to him, our phone calls are often not returned, plans broken, etc...
My brother is 40 mins or so away, never see him either.  He is very busy (2 kids, works, full-time school) but when we do manage to make plans, he invites all of his friends to come too.  They are very nice people, and I like them all, but it's difficult because my bro gets very upset at the thought that we might not be close, but then doesn't exactly make an effort to hang out with just us.
As I said, it's my Dad that I feel so horrible about leaving.  My main concern with the rest of them is, should I give them lots of time to try and spend some together?  Or not, so when we get the "Why are you doing this?" we can say, "We're doing this because you don't care if we're here or not."  (Aside of course from how much better for us it will be.)
But it's been really interesting so far to hear how everyone else handled it, I'd love to hear more!

As I said, it's my Dad that I feel so horrible about leaving.  My main concern with the rest of them is, should I give them lots of time to try and spend some together?  Or not, so when we get the "Why are you doing this?" we can say, "We're doing this because you don't care if we're here or not."  (Aside of course from how much better for us it will be.)

You said you've discussed it with your Dad, right? Maybe he can give you some insight on potential reactions from other relatives? Or at least those on his side of the family...

Good thought, but there are no relatives on my Dad's side to be concerned with...haven't really spoken to Uncles/cousins in years.
His only comment regarding telling my Mom has been "She never cared about any of us, she's certainly not going to be upset by your leaving."  Which is true.  If anything, I expect the only thing she won't like about it is that we owe her some money.
I think part of me wonders, if we tell them early, maybe they will want to spend time with us...but then, if we tell them early, they may just completely give up on us.  Will we even get a Christmas card while we're still here?

As far as you owing her money, it shouldn't really be an issue. I mean, you can still pay her when you're living in the UK. I think some of the people on here were recommending keeping a US bank account for these types of things (payments to US stuff) anyhow.

I can see what you mean about the issue with your Mom though. I'd probably be waffling back and forth too. I do have a few relatives that heaven only knows what type of reactions they will have.    

It's the price we pay, I guess, for moving to the UK so we can be "cool"    right?