How do I tell my family?

I think you are being very realistic about your plans, marriage, risks, etc and I think that strikes people as odd sometimes.  I agree with all the things you have said (although I would not have moved after only knowing my husband for one year).    

Personally, I never wanted a wedding either.  It was never something that was important to me to "be married", but we love eachother and we needed to be together so it was the only option for us.  I agree that visiting even for long term is not the same as living and living together is the only way to find out if you can live together (duh).

The truth of the matter is that marriage is a risk in itself - no one knows if it will work out.  There is no evidence that people who live together before being married have any better chance of making it work.   I think you are going into it with an attitude that, IMO, will serve you better than many people who go into this whole marriage and moving to be together thing with rose-tinted glasses thinking their love will conquor all and life in the UK will be a be their very own fairy tale.  It probably wont be, but if you never thought it would be, then you will be better equipped to handle the ups and downs.  

Good luck to you both! I'm pulling for you!  

oh and re: your family - we eloped and didnt have a ceremony of any kind so we wouldnt have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings.  We felt like if some people had to be left out, we would leave everyone out.  Was it the best thing to do?  Probably not, but it was the easiest for us so thats the route we chose.   I think the most important thing is to express how much it means to you when you tell them.  Dont tell them you have any second guesses because they will worry about you and it will make it worse for them.

equestriannerd--Yea, my immigration status is tied to the relationship but so what?  That's why I'd be in the UK in the first place.  If it falls apart and I know for sure that it's over, I go home.  I'm planning to always have an emergency fund in the US, in dollars, that's enough to get me home if need be (plus a US credit card).  If something happens after two years when I'd have permission to stay in the UK not tied to my relationship, then I might stay--or I might not.  And if something happens in the first two years, then I just leave my job, pack my things and go home and essentially, am in the same situation I'm in now. 

That's cool, I was just responding to your comment of not wanting to start your life until you got to the UK because you didn't want to uproot it again later. If you're fine with the idea that life in the UK won't necessarily be permanent (for whatever reason), that's the main point I was making.

I agree with mirrajay - there aren't really any guarantees whatever you do, so you may as well just go with whatever's comfortable for you both.

Congrats to you and your boyfriend.  I went through a similar situation, when my British boyfriend and I were getting serious, my family thought it was getting a little bit insane.  So when we decided to get married, it was hard to tell them.  They thought it was crazy, and probably still do.  But, at the end of the day, they love me and they will support me no matter what.  Just like what you said about your family.  I think in the grand scheme of things, you need to do what makes you happy and don't worry so much about what other people are going to say/do.  If you guys are in love, then be together.  It's hard and scary for everyone, but as long as you trust yourself, and you trust your boyfriend, everyone else is going to have to trust that fact.
ya know?
A lot of the things you said in your post are a lot like the things I was saying when I was in a similiar position as you were a year ago.  And a lot of people didn't quite understand my thoughts.  It's tough!
I wish you the best of luck.

And he can't support me full stop for 6 months. 

Just wanted to point out that in order to obtain your settlement visa, you will have to prove that he (solely or with third party support) can support you for 6 months without you working.  You will be allowed to work if on a marriage visa but that will be irrelevant to the visa application unless you already have a job and you can prove it.  Most people also find it very difficult to obtain quick employment in the UK due to lack of UK work experience.

I wish I had known the different options available to me before I rushed into a marriage and gave up everything to move to the UK (because I thought it was the only way we could be together).  Even though I am happy now, the last 2 years of my life could have been a lot easier if I had been aware that there were other ways to be together and "test out" our relationship before making such a huge commitment.  That's just my personal experience (and obviously everyone's experience is different) but due to what I've struggled with (and have seen several others struggle with also), I do make it a personal mission to try to share the information I lacked when I made my decision.

But it sounds like you are aware of and have considered all the alternative options and decided marriage is the right step for you.  I just interpretted your original post wrong as it sounded like you weren't sure if you wanted to spend the rest of your life with this person but you had to get married just to see if it would work out. 

IME, waiting to tell your family is just going to cause more problems in the long run. I was in your shoes a year ago, I wanted to just elope, then tell my parents after, preferably after I moved to England. Luckily, my husband forced me to go with him to tell my parents a week into the engagement and a month later we were all in Vegas at my wedding. I know if we would have waited until after (or even just before), they would have been devastated that they would miss the wedding and I would have missed out on their support for the month leading up to the wedding.
Your mother and grandmother sound like they support you in most things, so even if its a shock, I would bet they will come around to being on your side quickly.

Maybe to break it to them, you could get your boyfriend on Skype/speakerphone/videochat and tell them together? He may be able to offer some support this way, so you won't feel alone in telling them.

My parents took the news extremely well, but a few members of my family and friends were disappointed/upset they were not able to make it to the actual ceremony. We had a live video feed on the internet of the ceremony, put it up on youtube right after, and sent out dvds, so people could be included. We had a low key party at a friends barn as a leaving party/wedding, so everyone could feel they were involved, even if it was a month after.

I think its really important that you tell your family (or at least just those closest to you) soon is best, so they can start the process of accepting your move and supporting you!
Good Luck!

That's cool, I was just responding to your comment of not wanting to start your life until you got to the UK because you didn't want to uproot it again later. If you're fine with the idea that life in the UK won't necessarily be permanent (for whatever reason), that's the main point I was making.

I agree with mirrajay - there aren't really any guarantees whatever you do, so you may as well just go with whatever's comfortable for you both.

Well, if I worked to get my life together here, I would be doing it while being pretty sure/hoping it wouldn't be permanent.  If I do it in England, I would be doing it while being pretty sure/hoping that it would be permanent. 

Just wanted to point out that in order to obtain your settlement visa, you will have to prove that he (solely or with third party support) can support you for 6 months without you working.  You will be allowed to work if on a marriage visa but that will be irrelevant to the visa application unless you already have a job and you can prove it. 

He meets the £104/week plus council tax and rent minimum for a visa but that's not really enough for two people to live on comfortably.  Is it do-able?  Yea.  Will I be coming with some savings?  Yup.  But I'd rather not eat away at the savings indefinitely if I can help it.  This process is going to eat away at enough of it.  What other options did you not consider?  I really am interested in other options (that don't involve me sitting around doing *bleep* all for 6 months).  If we could figure out a viable way to be in the same place for a little while before this, I'd be all over it.  Also, I guess the point I'm making is that I'm not giving up a ton--except my family and friends here.  But I can get on planes and so can they.  And there's plenty of other ways to stay in touch. 

Thanks so much Mirrajay and Danielle and Kelly, knowing that other people took this leap and it worked out helps a ton.    I think that if we were planning on doing this in a warmer month than January, my parents or grandparents would offer/insist on having a garden party wedding in one of their backyards (which are both very large), which I'd be ok with as long as I didn't have to pay for it.   But I don't think that's a reason to wait another 5 months to be with BF and once you're married, you're married, in my mind, so a second "wedding" just seems silly to me.  Which will probably upset my enormous extended family but oh well.  They're welcome to come and stand in line at City Hall with us. 

As a representative of the parental generation, I would say it would be a good idea to at least casually mention "Oh BTW we're thinking of getting married eventually ..." I think you'll find that most parents have some inkling that something's going on but would be happy to have some official notification well before the event. Neither of my kids tied the knot. My son is another "aimless" one but at least mentioned he had been thinking of eventually marrying his (now ex-) girlfriend. Of course, you have to play it by ear: if your mother and grandma are the type to start jumping up and down and booking reception venues, then you'll have to play it down. But it's only fair to give them some hint. 

My husband and I were married in Vegas with only my best friend in attendance, then last June when I had been settled here for about seven months, we had a "reception" at a country house hotel with a champagne tea so that my family could come and meet his family and we could celebrate the wedding.  Even if you don't want two weddings, there's no reason why you can't have a fancy family party.  If your family has a visit to the UK to look forward to, they might not be so upset by your leaving.  My parents were really cool about it (though I had lived abroad for several years before I settled here, so they were pretty much used to me being far away by then) but my dad said that he felt a lot better about me moving halfway around the world and living with strangers (my in-laws) after he'd met everyone and saw what things were like.  Just a thought

One other thing you should consder, though, is that moving to another country can be a very stressful transition, and unless you're absolutely certain that your relationship is rock-solid, it might not be the best idea to combine moving-to-a-new-country stress with brand-new-marriage stress.  Your partner will see the absolute worst side of you in the first few months after you move; the one that's clingy and needy and confused and frustrated and dependent and quite possibly a bit depressed.  Any doubts you have about moving or about being together will be magnified.  My husband and I had been together for two years and lived together in Japan for one before we got married and moved to the UK, but we still went through a tough transition period, mostly because it took me six months to find a job.  You seem to be pretty sure of what you want, but I would join some of the other posters in encouraging you to visit the UK for at least a month or so before you get married, particularly if you've never visited before.  That way, the new-country stress will be lessened somewhat, and that will help the new-marriage stress to be less of a factor.  But whatever you decide to do, good luck! 

I think my grandmother actually does have some hint.  We've discussed immigration laws in theory (she's a bit conservative politically and I took it upon myself to discuss why people immigrate to the US illegally, etc, that it's not an easy process and is impossible for most people) and while we did that, I mentioned that the only way for my college roommate to be with her now-husband was for them to marry.  She seemed surprised at that; I think that there's an assumption among a lot of people that it's "easy" for people to move from one rich, English-speaking country to another.  At a different point, she asked me if BF was thinking about trying to get a (work-based) green card here and I reminded her that that wasn't possible (it isn't; UK citizens can't do the lottery and he doesn't have a degree needed for the H1-B).  And then, while he was here, she said a few things that made me think that she suspects I'm planning to go over there.  Like, she mails my brother a special birthday cake to California, where he's in uni, every year (seriously, she's insane, in a very loving way).  She told me, in front of BF, that I had to be in the US for her to do that.  There were a few other dropped hints in there.  

My mom, I don't know.  I half expected her to straight up ask what our plans were while he was here and we were having one of our late-night staying up and talking and drinking sessions.  But she didn't.  She's definitely not the type to book venues or anything.  My parents had a slightly more traditional wedding--in a church, with a ring--but only had a real (backyard) reception because my grandparents insisted on it (and paid for it).   And I was 2 when it happened.  

One other thing you should consder, though, is that moving to another country can be a very stressful transition, and unless you're absolutely certain that your relationship is rock-solid, it might not be the best idea to combine moving-to-a-new-country stress with brand-new-marriage stress.  Your partner will see the absolute worst side of you in the first few months after you move; the one that's clingy and needy and confused and frustrated and dependent and quite possibly a bit depressed.  Any doubts you have about moving or about being together will be magnified.  My husband and I had been together for two years and lived together in Japan for one before we got married and moved to the UK, but we still went through a tough transition period, mostly because it took me six months to find a job.  You seem to be pretty sure of what you want, but I would join some of the other posters in encouraging you to visit the UK for at least a month or so before you get married, particularly if you've never visited before.  That way, the new-country stress will be lessened somewhat, and that will help the new-marriage stress to be less of a factor.  But whatever you decide to do, good luck! 

I have visited the UK before, both before I was with BF and after (we actually met 7 years ago on vacation but weren't in touch for most of the intervening time).  I plan to visit at least once more between now and January, although probably for only a week or two again.  I've lived abroad before, and in countries where I wasn't a native speaker of the language, and really?  I was fine.  I've generally found I'm pretty adaptable to new things.  Having new things to "figure out" on a daily basis actually kind of makes me happy.  I also don't mind taking "just a job," even a relatively menial one, at first, both for income and so I'm not sitting around at home all the time bored and depressed.  I'm a bit more worried about making new "real" friends but I hope that having a job will help me meet people, even if it's relatively superficial.  I see where you're coming from, and it does worry me a bit, but there's not really a way to not combine the "new marriage" stress with the "new country" stress. 

First, I wanted to say good luck and congratulations! Second, as someone who had also lived abroad where I didn't speak the language and just *moved*, in general, over 15 times--yeah, this is something completely different.
I was a little different than you in that I dated DH for about five years (and knew him for six) before getting married and moving over, but we STILL had adjustment issues--and I had lived with him for months at a time over the years in between.  Most of our issues centred around jobs (as others have mentioned) because the job-market here is...well, just as bad as anywhere else! It took me ten months to find a job. Any job. At all. Luckily, I love it and am well qualified for it, but, yeah, ten months--which was stressful (I am quite independent and HATED having to ask him for "house money" each month to do shopping and etc) and also just...morally depressing.  I hadn't had a break from working since I was 15, and it was tough.  I leant, a lot, on DH and while he was amazing the entire time, I know that it was less than fun to have a partner who didn't know how to turn the effing oven on! (Although I figured that bit out on my own!) or how to format a UK CV or exactly how to navigate the NHS (or Tesco...)
Is there a reason why a short amount of time as a long-distance couple is so distasteful?  As far as building a career goes, it was my experience in the US that got me the job I wanted here, so the time I spent doing that was certainly not wasted, and I *know* that the time we spent slogging through the separations and flights and phone calls has made us stronger and more together than I would have ever imagined I would be with anyone.
Just something to think about--but, again, good luck! and congrats! And definitely keep asking questions here, it's an amazing resource.

I've lived abroad before, and in countries where I wasn't a native speaker of the language, and really?  I was fine.  I've generally found I'm pretty adaptable to new things. 

I could have written that two years ago.  I lived in France, Japan, and Prague, with no trouble whatsoever, but it's surprisingly different when you know it's permanent.  When it's building a life rather than just living, it's different.  And you may find that "just a job" is as difficult to get as a job you want.  The market here is a nightmare.  Every time I've moved abroad before, I had a job or school set up ahead of time, and I found that being unemployed in a new country is a lot more stressful than being employed in one.  I'm really not trying to discourage you, in general I think my transition was easier than most people's (based on reading UKY), and the experience of living abroad will definitely help.  But don't forget that this time will be different.

First, I wanted to say good luck and congratulations! Second, as someone who had also lived abroad where I didn't speak the language and just *moved*, in general, over 15 times--yeah, this is something completely different.
I was a little different than you in that I dated DH for about five years (and knew him for six) before getting married and moving over, but we STILL had adjustment issues--and I had lived with him for months at a time over the years in between.  Most of our issues centred around jobs (as others have mentioned) because the job-market here is...well, just as bad as anywhere else! It took me ten months to find a job. Any job. At all. Luckily, I love it and am well qualified for it, but, yeah, ten months--which was stressful (I am quite independent and HATED having to ask him for "house money" each month to do shopping and etc) and also just...morally depressing.  I hadn't had a break from working since I was 15, and it was tough.  I leant, a lot, on DH and while he was amazing the entire time, I know that it was less than fun to have a partner who didn't know how to turn the effing oven on! (Although I figured that bit out on my own!) or how to format a UK CV or exactly how to navigate the NHS (or Tesco...)

This! 

I could have written that two years ago.  I lived in France, Japan, and Prague, with no trouble whatsoever, but it's surprisingly different when you know it's permanent.  When it's building a life rather than just living, it's different.

I definitely agree with this.

When I was a kid, it was my dream to live in the US and as a student, I got the opportunity to do so twice:

- The first time I was a study abroad student for 10 months in 2003/04 and it was hands-down the best experience of my entire life. I made some amazing friends (none of them American though... they were British and Australian), I had a great time, I did a ton of travelling and at the end of the 10 months when I was getting a bit fed up with it all, I got to move back home to England to be with my family and catch up with my friends. However, I missed the US like crazy for the next few months.

- The second time, I went back to the same US university as a grad student in 2008. I moved on my own and was going to be living in the US for about 5 years and I'd left my family, my friends and my life back in England. However, I was completely miserable in the US: I had no friends (a few acquaintances, but nothing more), I felt depressed, I had no idea how to cook with US ingredients, I didn't like the food, I didn't even know how to write a check and I had no car so I couldn't even get to the movies or the shopping mall on my own. I quickly realised that it wasn't like the first time: if I was going to be there for 5 years, I had to settle there and make a life for myself... except I didn't want to; I wanted to live my life in England, not in the US. I eventually decided to move back to the UK after about 8 months and I haven't regretted it for a second... in fact, it was a big relief and right now, I have no desire to live in the US again.

And you may find that "just a job" is as difficult to get as a job you want.  The market here is a nightmare.

I'm with you on this too. After I left the US (August 2008), I started looking for a graduate job in science (I'm qualified to masters degree level). It's now almost 2 years later and I still haven't managed to secure a job. Instead, I've been stuck working in retail (just above minimum wage) since I got back and I'm extremely lucky to have that job as the company has not hired anyone in months (they can't afford it) - had they only put me on a temporary contract instead of a permanent one, I would have been made redundant 18 months ago.

I could have written that two years ago.  I lived in France, Japan, and Prague, with no trouble whatsoever, but it's surprisingly different when you know it's permanent.  When it's building a life rather than just living, it's different.  And you may find that "just a job" is as difficult to get as a job you want.  The market here is a nightmare.  Every time I've moved abroad before, I had a job or school set up ahead of time, and I found that being unemployed in a new country is a lot more stressful than being employed in one.  I'm really not trying to discourage you, in general I think my transition was easier than most people's (based on reading UKY), and the experience of living abroad will definitely help.  But don't forget that this time will be different.

This! I was fine in the UK while I was doing my MA, but as soon as I moved to be with my bf it all became so stressful! I was dealing with homesickness in a way that I hadn't in the year previous. Poor bf had to deal with one crazy gf!

Also, you can not rely on getting a job, even any job, quickly. I got lucky and found a temp job right away when I came to Norwich, but it took a month to start. Then when I couldn't continue in that job due to their ignorance about visas, it took one and a half months to get another job (which is in the any job category), and another month and half to get paid! My savings seriously dwindled in those three months although I was spending very little. I now have a good job, but even that took two months from the interview to the actual start date. Moral of the story - even if you get a job, it may take a lot longer than you would expect for it to actually start and your first paycheck to arrive.

Best of luck to you, but it might be good to prepare for the worst case scenario, just in case, when it comes to a job. I wish I had actually taken in account other people's warnings about how bureaucratic and slow UK business are in comparison to the one's I've encountered in the US. Also, I think I should have gone for a volunteering position as soon as I got to Norwich to have a UK reference right away. It might also be helpful for your fiance to scope out job opportunities before you come over, just so you know what the job market is like in that area and you can hit the ground running when you arrive.

I read what you wrote aimless about being adaptable to your surroundings and being able to settle for a menial job to begin with...but right now it isn't as easy as you think to get even a menial job over here..I have been here since Sept with a good CV and I have only been able to secure a seasonal job at sainsburys. I was there at christmas and back for the summer. I am lucky to have a part time job at spar only because my husband works there. My CV is good and I had an impressive job in the states but that isn't enough to even have anyone look at it. It won't be as easy as you think to get a job and the rejection is even worse...You can adapt over here but it is a lot different living over here then just visiting. It is nice that you have been here a few times but it will be completely different when you settle here..It isn't a romantic vacation anymore...and then the hardest thing is making new friends. You will meet lots of people but it will be harder to find real friends. Yes if you get a job you will meet more people. But most people over here are already settle and have thier lifelong friendships and aren't looking for new ones..I am not saying this to scare you I am just letting you know what I am going thru and what you will be going thru...the stress of a being newly married will be compounded by living here now and trying to adjust...we are'nt saying this stuff to scare you..we are just sharing our experiences and hope that you are sure that this is really want before you do it... I wish you all the luck..it is a tough road but it can be a good journey..there are just some big bumps along the way