Feeling defeated....when am I going to go over to England?

Hey all,

Im just feeling a little defeated lately. 

Im beginning to really wonder when I am going to get to come over to England and finally start my life with my fiance.  It is supposed to be Sept. 3rd...but I just dont think that date is going to happen.

Background: My fiance doesnt have a job, he lost it and is currently seeking a new one.  He is currently living with his mom, and I have this sneaking suspicion he is getting too comfortable there (not working and getting his mom to buy him his food etc).  He goes to the jobcentre regularly and says he applies for jobs, but I never see him apply for any...or look for that matter while we cam.  (We cam a lot and chat so you would think he would at some point).  I send him jobs that I find while I am looking for me and he turns them all down with the excuse that they are too boring, or he isnt qualified, or its too far and cant get there etc.  I think he has this idea that the perfect job will fall right into his lap...but it wont.

I recently had an interview in England, but I didnt get it.  I think he has this idea that I am going to get this job we need and I will be able to come over (ONCE ONE OF US GETS A JOB THEN I WILL MOVE OVER) I can move over anytime, I dont have to wait for a visa...which is more frustrating.

Anyways lately I feel like he isnt trying, and maybe he likes this arrangement how it is...me visiting occassionally, this cyber relationship, having his mom take care of things.  He says he wants me to move there, and misses me, wants our own place, but wouldnt he take ANY job to get me over?  I dont want to get a job first and them he get the idea that I will support us both.

Im just feeling down, because I feel like we are in limbo, and I am going to not be with him on my birthday next week, and we arent going to make our original deadline for Sept.  Ive sold all my stuff...and feel like my fiance isnt trying.  And if I mention to him to try harder or ask him about jobs, he gets all defensive.

Is this normal to feel like this?

Just spoke to my fiance, and i told him i was worried and wanted a plan, and he suggested I quit my job here go over there and live (not at his moms because there is no room) but to live in a hostel or council home (try and get one) and try to make it..that will get me more urgent to get a job.  He says I cant live at his moms since there is no room, and that I should take this chance.

Then he says that we should make a deadline and if we reach it and neither of us has gotten a job (which he admits I wont being over in the USA) then I should take the plunge and move.

Am I going insane?  I thought that we agreed on the plan that he would get a job, Id move over and live for a couple of weeks with him and his mom and find a job myself....then we would get a place.  He thinks Im getting too cushy over here in a job living with family.

I just dont understand.

Just spoke to my fiance, and i told him i was worried and wanted a plan, and he suggested I quit my job here go over there and live (not at his moms because there is no room) but to live in a hostel or council home (try and get one) and try to make it

Good luck with everything! I just wanted to say that getting a council house is probably out of the question. In most locations, the waiting lists are 5-10 years long and only certain people have priority (sick, single moms, etc.)

...but to live in a hostel or council home (try and get one) and try to make it..that will get me more urgent to get a job. 

That doesn't sound like a very sensible plan to me.  Living in a hostel will cost you some money & there are waiting lists (sometimes long ones) for council housing.

He thinks I'm getting too cushy over here in a job living with family.  

To be completely honest, he sounds more like the comfortable one to me.  Jobless and living with his family.  At least you are working.  

Hiya katrinacov,
Feel free to flame me but i'll be honest in what i think..
 I think he is the one that is lazy.
He is the one that has become comfy living with mum and not having to move his ars* to do anything. Seems to me if he really loved you and wanted YOU to MOVE from one country to another he would be doing ANYTHING in his power to get it accomplished.
Sorry its soo blunt but its just what i think from what you have posted. Also only my opinion ... so there it tis..

I agree with Kaylesh 100%. It's really lame that he expects you to do basically everything (moving, finding a job, etc...). Also, it's annoying that he says there isn't enough room at his mom's when the plan was that you were both going to stay at his moms. I imagine he's got a room in her house, surely you can both share a room? I've known people that want to be together so desperately that the British partner would find a job doing anything regardless of whether or not he/she was too qualified for the position or the pay/job was crap.

Agreed that he's the one getting a little too comfortable.  He's not being very mature about it either.  Does he really expect you to just up and move there to be with him with no money and no place to stay?

Since you're a dual citizen, would it be safe to assume you would be trying to move over here even if he wasn't in the picture?  If so, you might want to treat your move the same way as someone who was coming over with no connections, since it doesn't seem like you can depend on him to help.  You know, save up a bunch of money so that you have a cushion for the job search when you get here. 

I know it means changing your time line, and that it's not ideal, but it looks like the only person you can rely on to get over there at the moment is yourself.  I'm sorry you have to go through this, but if he's not going to put in any effort he doesn't deserve your contribution or support if you do get a job.

I hope for you that he realizes it's a partnership and that he needs to be responsible for his end of the bargain.

Good luck!

Well now he is saying that I should stay with him at his moms in his room, so that will help us be together and help me be over there to get interviews etc. 

So his idea is that we set a date then after that date I move there with him and his mom.
 

Another one you can be angry with, but I think his idea is the pits. Aren't you also leaving your daughter in the US to move over there to be with him? You'd think he would be trying to make it a smooth transition for you since you're leaving so much (a job, your family, some stability). You're not really in a position that you can just 'take the plunge' as he seems to want you to do. He needs to be a lot more proactive with all of this. 

Seems like the sacrifices are all on your side here.

I agree with chary. It seems you are the one doing everything and really do you want to move into a room with your bf and no one bringing in any money whatsoever? 

I know how you are feeling.  It was ages before I moved over, and it did feel at times like my husband didn't want me to.  But, he wanted it to be perfect for me - not living with his friend, he wanted to have enough money to take care of me. 

Still, it does sound like your fiance is a bit to comfy at his mothers.

Is he getting benefits while living with his mum?  I ask because when I first moved over, my husband was in a house share with one of his friends and was getting housing benefit paid to a private landlord (who was his friend).  Has he looked at this as an option?  There are plenty of places that will take housing benefit and they don't have to be council or housing association.

Plus, since you don't have the visa situation to worry about, there is no reason for him not to do this.  Have you also looked into YOU being eligible for housing benefit as a citizen?  I'm not sure how it would work with you just moving over, but if you are eligible I'd look into it.

To be fair to him, he's probably gotten very down-hearted if he's applied for jobs but had no luck. That doesn't mean he shouldn't be trying everyone that comes up, but it is a very depressing thing to do.

 Have you also looked into YOU being eligible for housing benefit as a citizen?  I'm not sure how it would work with you just moving over, but if you are eligible I'd look into it.

Is it morally right to claim housing benefit in this case, even if allowable by law? The OP has a job and somewhere to live, to move to another country where she's not contributed taxes to claim benefits seems...wrong, but that's just my opinion.

Another one you can be mad at here!

If I were you Katrinacov I've get on with my life in the US, I'd spend as much time as possible with my daughter, my family and friends, I'd work three jobs to save money, and I'd try to snap out of the mental attitude of "waiting to move over", you need to live your life wherever you are. Yes you've sold your stuff and could move over if you needed, that's great but your actual life, your friends, your family etc shouldn't be put on hold, you're not gone yet so should be out living your life before it changes.

You had a set idea of what criteria you'd require before you moved over, if your fiancee is unwilling to do his bit to contribute then you'll either need to compromise on your own feelings go with one of his plans and move over (which seem like madness to me) or end your relationship with him.

Hopefully he'll see your position soon and change his ways, but
if he doesn't then you need to seriously think about what you're giving up vs. what he's giving up and if that's tenable in the long term.
Loving someone does not give them carte blanche to let them take everything they want from you without compromise.

Is it morally right to claim housing benefit in this case, even if allowable by law? The OP has a job and somewhere to live, to move to another country where she's not contributed taxes to claim benefits seems...wrong, but that's just my opinion.

I made no suggestions about morality, just wondering if it was possible.  Plus, people who were born here do it all the time.  A friend's mother has never worked a day in her life, neither have 2 of his brothers, even though they are all capable, and they all get benefits.

I made no suggestions about morality, just wondering if it was possible.  Plus, people who were born here do it all the time.  A friend's mother has never worked a day in her life, neither have 2 of his brothers, even though they are all capable, and they all get benefits.

Oh, I wasn't saying you did sorry if it came off that way, was just a random thought of mine. I'm not big on the suggestion that K's fiancee could move out and claim benefits, when he's turning down work because "it's too boring".

In the case of your friend's mother, I don't think that would be morally right either, but then I have quite strong views on only claiming benefits if you absolutely need to. I think benefits are fabulous, but they shouldn't be a longterm lifestyle choice imo.

I would really worry about a couple moving to begin their lives together with no real financial plan or back up plan, it would make much more sense to stabilise their situation before anyone makes any big changes that could put them in further debt. Love waits