Uk love is making no promises, but it's not over--confusing me

I just know what I want now and I want a guy from England.  It's just a type I have in mind.

I wonder if you fully realise how absurd that sounds to us all? I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is really not want you want to base a relationship on.

Either go visit the UK and treat it as a holiday and see where things go, or you might just have to cut off the strings a bit. If he's not willing to make it work, or at least be honest with you and let you move on, you have to make the decision for him and not waste your time

This is exactly what I'd advise. If you seriously want to visit the UK, you need to be independent. Travel around, see the sights, work out if you really like it or not, and build in a couple of days with him as part of your trip - but do not make it the focus of your trip. And, as Tams says, be prepared for the fact that it might not work out. He may decide it's not worth the effort or you may decide you aren't that crazy about him in person.

It may not be the most popular answer, but it sounds like he's being pretty reasonable to me.  Really, think about it.  You guys only even met a handful of weeks ago.  A month is nothing in the scheme of things and you are pushing him to marry you.  I don't think that means he has a fear of commitment, it may well work, but I think you need to take a closer look at your motivations.  He may not be the guy for you, but you are trying to force a forever relationship after only a few weeks.  I'd be freaked out too if I were him.

You have this huge fantasy about English life and English men.  Do you hear that it's all of us who are married to English men who are telling you they aren't a "type?"  If anyone should get where you're coming from, shouldn't it be those of us who love life in this country and came over here to marry our Brits?  Notice that we aren't saying anything of the sort though.  Trust us, you don't even hear the accent after a while.  

Sure, there's an initial charm, but they are individuals just like American men.  It's easy enough to say, but really, guys here can be just as full of BS or can be jerks like back home.  There are some cultural differences, but those make for more adjustment in making sure we understand each other.  

I just know what I want now and I want a guy from England.  It's just a type I have in mind.

It isn't a "type" you have in mind, it's a stereotype.  Pure and simple.

Do you think he might be feeling your intense desire to be with an English guy and move to England and be wondering if it's really him you love or if it's the idea of him bringing you to England.  If I were in his shoes, I'd be really worried that you were pushing him and don't even really know him yet, and your motivations, although you feel them strongly, may not be based in any kind of reality.

If you want to be pursued, then you need to let him have the chance to do it. So far you haven't even given him that opportunity. Chill out, don't book any flights anywhere (until he invites you over). You said earlier that this site gives you hope that LDRs do work, but there are MANY people who have been on here over the years who had an LDR that didn't work.

Years ago I was set up with this guy who lived about 2 hours from me. We would talk on the phone for hours, we had seen pictures of each other, it was really great and I started thinking he could be 'the one'. After a few weeks we finally had the chance to meet up in person. OMG, I could barely stand to be with him for a couple of hours. I can't even imagine if I had planned to stay with him for a couple of WEEKS!

Personally, I think this guy is trying to let you down easy and without hurting your feelings. I'm sorry, but you shouldn't have this much drama in the first month of your relationship. This is supposed to be the fun time! 

Well, it'd be easier to drop him, honestly. He doesn't seem like he wants to be into you.  That said, since he's being "wishy-washy"-  if you think it will some how continue- give him space. See if he comes back to you, see if he asks you to come, see if he randomly emails you, calls,etc... Chill, lay low...  

Tell you what though- I dated a few people off match.co.uk (I was already living here though, trying to meet new people, not trying to meet Brits specifically, but trying to meet anyone new to date)-

Its not a LDR thing- its a dating thing in general!! I had a few  "we were into each other and it was all good and all that" but then guess what, it fizzled about a month in...  One that kept messing me around - missing dates and "wasn't sure" - so I said "SEE YA! I'm worth more than that!" and one who we met in person within a week (now, granted, it was much easier, given we lived in the same place)- and he couldn't stop texting/emailing/calling/sending me flowers/driving me up a wall   and we've been through ups and downs and everything in between, but we just hit 2 years.  

I've also done the LDR (across the US, not across the pond) and that takes an incredible amount of trust, work and time and effort- (and money!!!!) and sacrifices...  you've got to be committed to each other for that.  And mine started on a whim and was long distance for several years before we finally lived together (and it did turn into a disaster in the end after 6 years together)

So my point is, stop reading into the relationship so much and overanalysing.  It will work if its supposed to. Otherwise, date whoever, whomever, local, long distance, workmates, whoever -but put yourself first. You are worthy. Someone will fall head over heels for you and want to never leave you alone!!  They're the ones you want to be with it!!      

 

As for a roadtrip, I don't have the money for that. I have the money for a flight and spending money.

I can understand that. Perhaps you ought to postpone your trip so you can save up more money until you come over? In addition to having more money, you'll also have a better idea then of where, if anywhere, the relationship is headed.

If you want to simplify your life, get off match.co.uk PRONTO! You should be on match.com! Why put yourself through this?!!?

As for a roadtrip, I don't have the money for that. I have the money for a flight and spending money.

If you don't have the money for a hotel/B&B then you don't have enough money to make this trip.

One thing that is true about on-line relationships is that it is SO easy to make someone into your perfect partner.  You haven't met him yet, so he has no flaws, and you have a tendency to make up the parts you don't know about him so that they fit in with your ideal.  You have built this guy up in your mind so much that it is little wonder you are so desperate to cling to him.

My advice would be to channel your energies into planning a trip to England for YOU.  Save up the money so you can stay in a hotel.  What do you like to do? Why are you an Anglophile?  Do you like Jane Austen or James Herriot?  Dickens or Shakespeare?  Does Queen Victoria  or maybe Henry VIII fascinate you?  Half the fun of a vacation is figuring out what is there and what you want to do.  Focus on a plan, and it will help you move on.    Because this guy is telling you to move on.  He really is.

I can't offer any help with the long distance internet dating, but I think the previous posters have been on target.

I have met loads of British men in the US accidentally in tourist bars of major cities while traveling. Especially in Times Square area. Another place to meet Brits in NYC is in the West Village at Tea & Sympathy http://www.teaandsympathynewyork.com/home.php as I met a few expats there picking up British goodies. That whole block is full of other British stores, too.

If you want to simplify your life, get off match.co.uk PRONTO! You should be on match.com! Why put yourself through this?!!?

THIS!  

inloveuk, first of all - you are not "in love", you are in love with the idea of being in love with a fantasy you have. And IMO, one cannot base anything on that alone.  

Take it from me and many others who have been through it - you have no idea how hard it is to be in a REAL LDR (which you are not really).  Why someone would go out of their way to find someone who lives thousands of (every expensive) miles away is beyond me. You are setting yourself up for heartache much worse than what you are experiencing right now.  

As for this particular guy - if his interest has wained in just a month, imagine how uninterested he will be in 6 months...  

Also, I am sure you dont see it like this, but as far as I am concerned what you are doing is very unfair to any man you might meet on Match.co.uk or even Brits that you happen to meet in the US.  You are essentially using them to fulfill a dream of having a sterotypical English boyfriend and when you realize that they are not Hugh Grant's characters in movies (cause sorry darling, no one is), you will drop them like a fly.  No one should have to live up to those standards.

I'm confused by people saying he is somehow being a jerk. It's been a month, online, without even webcams. If a person I met IN REAL LIFE said they wanted to marry me and move thousands of miles to be with me after that short a time, I would run for the freakin' hills! That is just crazy, obsessive behaviour, and I think he's being way nicer than most normal guys would be about it. I think you need to chill out and back off, try to get to know him as friends and not rush in so much. Don't book your tickets until he has ASKED you to; it's not enough for him to acquiesce to badgering, he needs to WANT you to come, otherwise it's just a continuation of you pursuing him. I don't doubt that he went into it quickly and deeply as well just from the excitement of the thing, but unlike you he has actually come back to reality and realised that this is insane. Sit down and think about it objectively, imagine how you would really feel if this had happened in real life instead of the internet, and I think you'll understand where he's coming from.

Sorry, but I haven't had time to read all the other posts, just skim them quickly, so excuse me if I've missed anything.

On Skype tonight, he is telling me that he would still be happy to see me in January, but not for as long as I wanted to originally come over which was for a month because he says that he doesn't really know me that well to have me come over for a month as he doesn't know how well we will get on in person. (kind of a bummer for me really to hear him say it's like having someone you don't really know too well living in your flat!) It's honest I grant him that.

His viewpoint sounds totally normal and sensible.

You say you have never webcammed? I assumed that when you Skyped each other, you were using webcams.  Are you saying that you've never even seen each other live?

I did push the relocation and the marriage thing on him too fast because that was the only option I have in relocating to England to be with him!

In your mind, you already have yourself relocating to England and you haven't even met him!  People on UKY usually come here for immigration advice because they've already been in a face-to-face relationship with someone for a while, gotten engaged, and now want to know how to stay together legally.

I wanted to let him know early that there were ways of me relocating to be with him and he was not wasting his time on me.

Dating someone to get to know them and see if the relationship could progress further in a healthy way is not wasting time.

So he gave me a possibility tonight.  He says it could very well be that we meet, get on very well, we have visits and it could progress more naturally to where there could be a marriage as some point but he cannot guarantee anything to me now.

Once again, he sounds like he has a good deal of common sense.

So do I book a flight out to meet him and take the risk?

His suggestions were good ones.

There is always a risk in  a relationship. You can't assume that the person you date is the person you are going to want to spend your life with.

For those of you who fell in love online, how did it work for you?  Did your guy/gal have coping issues, ambivalence, before you met in person and did they make no promises like what I am describing?  Is this a normal response on his part?

I met DH on a forum for fans of a popular British author. We were friendly on the forum for a couple of years - we were friendly with other people as well - before we started communicating privately via private messages, emails and phone conversations. The first time I came to visit him, I came as a friend, with the possiblity that there could be a romantic/sexual attraction -there was, but we weren't sure that that there would be before we actually met. We would have been happy if we just stayed good friends at that was all.

My first visit was for about two weeks.

So we already had a pretty strong online friendship before we'd met. We got engaged on my first visit, and it wasn't until then that we started thinking about visas.

It seems your goal is to move to England. Full Stop.

I would never tell someone I was just talking to "I am going to marry you" ever.  It seems you have a goal and any British man will fill those shoes as long as you can marry and move here.  I suggest emailing match.co.uk and switch to the .com and explore you closer options and in the profile put "wants to explore England" as you may find a man who wants to do it with you.

Let this one go or be friends but stop pursuing someone who is putting you off as all it does is cause heart ache.  You are ignoring a whole country of men who you could love and they could love you - don't do this.  You prefer British men? how b/c you met some on match.co.uk? Really? The accident fades and you no longer hear it so don't get caught up on that but go about your life.  Date, go to dinner, get educated, work or do whatever makes you happy and if you are meant to be in England, you will end up here.

Side note: even if you found a man to marry you and get you here, the laws are strict.  If the marriage breaks down during your visa - you go home.  So you want it to be real and do it for the right reasons.

I wish you luck.

inloveuk, first of all - you are not "in love", you are in love with the idea of being in love with a fantasy you have. And IMO, one cannot base anything on that alone.  

This exactly. No offense, but it sounds like a fanciful, childish obsession to me. And this guy simply isn't interested. If you want to come to the UK and meet him, okay, but don't plan your trip around him. Give yourself a proper holiday over here: visit a few sights and meet him once or twice to see if you get along before even discussing if you have a relationship with him. I liked my BF for a year and a half before we met but would never have said I had anything more than a friendship with him, even when I knew he was interested, too. This guy you're talking to has a lot of common sense, and it's worrying you're more upset about not having a boyfriend than recognising the validity of his points.

You need to stop looking for someone and get on with your life. You need to realise that there can be serious miscommunications through text chats and you could have interpreted a lot of things he said the wrong way, allowing yourself to "fall" for him even more. He's not interested and you need to accept that. Keep talking to him if you want, but don't plan your day around him and don't expect him to do the same for you.

And these Londoners you dated, did you ever meet them in person? I think you're putting yourself through a vicious cycle trying to realise some fantasy, and this is something you'll have to break out of if you ever want to be happy. It's fine to have a "type" and think that English men are your type, but I think when you actually find someone you'll find that he probably doesn't fit your type at all. I had a "type" at one point in life, I probably even made a list of requirements when I was 14. Needless to say, my BF probably wouldn't fit that list, and I think that's all the better.

Stop fawning over men and spend a bit of time on yourself. When you can be completely happy on your own, then you'll be ready for a relationship when and if one comes along, and you won't have to look for it. You need to learn how to be happy without depending on someone else to make you happy.

I'm sorry if this is all harsh, but you're the one hurting yourself in this situation.

I do actually FEEL like chilling out, in a way that skype call last night was a bit of closure for me, so at least I know "he doesn't know" which is a bit 'wishy washy' for my taste and it actually kinda makes me a bit angry.... I really don't want to run to my email or my blackberry to email him now.  I'll just see if he wants to say hello by email by himself.  I was usually the one emailing him first asking him all the questions. Lets see how many days that will be now before i hear from him. that will be telling

You're playing games.  

I had a "type" at one point in life, I probably even made a list of requirements when I was 14. Needless to say, my BF probably wouldn't fit that list, and I think that's all the better.

I made a list when I was 16.  I remember doing it vividly.  I found this list when I was packing up to move to England and it was so embarassing!  Like you, elle, my husband only ticked very few of those boxes.  The truth is that you never know what you're really looking for until you find it.  So often what you think you want is painfully off the mark.   Do yourself a favour and throw your "type" out the window.  Meet people (lots of different people!) and appreciate them for who they really are.  The person (not idea) you really fall for may surprise you.

I'm confused by people saying he is somehow being a jerk. It's been a month, online, without even webcams. If a person I met IN REAL LIFE said they wanted to marry me and move thousands of miles to be with me after that short a time, I would run for the freakin' hills! That is just crazy, obsessive behaviour, and I think he's being way nicer than most normal guys would be about it.

I agree with this. This guy seems very reasonable and he seems to be doing what he can to try avoid hurting the OP's feelings.

I agree with this. This guy seems very reasonable and he seems to be doing what he can to try avoid hurting the OP's feelings.

This. I certainly don't disagree with where he's coming from. It sounds like a case of too fast, too soon, and he's a bit in over his head and wants to stop it before it goes any further. Not unreasonable really, and it beats him lying to you, pretending everything is rosey when it's not 

And it does sound slightly silly, to be worrying about whether he'll text you first, or you text him first, or whatever. That sort of stuff is quite unecessary for a relationship between two adults; it's one thing to be concerned about gauging someone's interest in you, but it's another thing to 'test' them by seeing how long it takes them to talk to you first. Isn't it easier to just let it go really then go through all this for someone who really doesn't seem to be that into it?

While I didn't have a 'list' when I was a teenager, I certainly had a type of guy I'd be interested it. British certainly wasn't on the list, but it just clicked between me and my husband. It was chance (or fate, or whatever you want to believe in), and it sounds like a good portion of those who find their UK spouse do it that way. Maybe it wasn't meant to work out by trying to force the issue (i.e. specifically dating and wanting to marry a Brit). Things might work better in the future if they're just allowed to take their own course really.

It doesn't mean you're a bad person, or that someone couldn't fancy you, but you may have given him the impression that you're needy, or desperate or whatever--NOT saying that you are, but that could of been the idea he has of you. The talk of marriage early on could of easily scared him off, and he's just trying to avoid being a jerk about the whole thing; he might of convinced himself in the beginning of the relationship that it'd be alright, but it obviously isn't working on his end at least.

I say plan a trip to the UK--like others said, find those things about Britain that fascinate you. See some sights, take plenty of pictures, and if you two are still interested in meeting up, go out for lunch or dinner and see where things go in-person. But it may end up being that this isn't mean to be, and that it really isn't worth all the upset you're obvously having. I don't really know many people who would volunteer for a LDR, and go out of their way to be in one--normally it *just* happens, so you might want to get rid of the .co.uk profile and stick closer to home to avoid these sorts of dramas.