Family making jokes about how fat I am all the time :(

When I first moved to the UK, I was a size 8/10 and now it's been almost 3.5 years and I'm a size 14-18 (depending on the clothing).

I've gained a lot of weight because we went through a time when DH and I had no money for anything and had to eat on the total cheap. I was going through some really nasty depression so food was my comfort. I didn't eat a lot of it but I never excercised and I have very slow metabolism. I've also lately been adivsed to check for any thyroid problems because I've been on a pretty restrictive diet (with a tiny bit of excercise) for several months and only lost 10 lbs.

Anyways, DH's family always make jokes about how big I've gotten and always give me tips on how I can lose the weight (I don't ask for tips). It really hurts my feelings but I don't want to show it so I laugh along. I just cry a lot when I come home or they leave. They also always do it when DH isn't there so there's no one to stick up for me. He's told them many times that he loves the way I look and that the jokes hurt my feelings and that they should stop.

My family is no better! My mom is literally angry at me for getting "so big" and looks at me with disgust sometimes. When I confront her, she says she's just disappointed in me. 

Does anyone else in a similar situation get comments regarding weight? what do you do about them? I don't want to fall out with people but I'm tired of crying. I'm doing my best here and I get no credit for being on a diet and losing weight (even though it's not a lot).

Some advice would be much appreciated but this was mostly for a vent because I've just seen my neice who I haven't seen in three years and she looked at me really shocked and said "wow, you look so...different". Which I realize could mean anything but I automatically assumed she meant my weight.

Your family is not very supportive, GG, to say the least!  It doesn't help to have them poking fun or nagging.  My son has gained a lot of weight since college -- due to depression and medication.  It does make me very worried for his long term health but I try not to say anything (especially as I'm not exactly skinny myself!)  I can only try to have healthy food in the house.

I think all you can do is quietly point out that you are trying to lose and have in fact lost some of it. I think I would be likely to tell them (not so politely) to back off if that didn't work!  Anyway, do keep trying to get on top of the weight problem -- but for yourself -- NOT your family!

That's really horrible.  Especially when your husband has specifically asked them to stop.  I don't know how your relationship with them is the rest of the time, but what they are saying is totally not on.  I would be tempted to tell them how hurtful their comments are next time they say something.

Does your husband support you with your weight loss?  By that I mean, does he make an effort to cook/eat healthy food alongside you, offer to go for a walk/run with you?  People's lifestyles and eating habits are often intertwined with the people they live with.  I think it is often hard to do it without the spouse changing their habits too (although it sounds like you are doing great).

It sounds like you want to lose weight, so I would focus on that and feel positive about the steps you are taking.  If you're a comfort eater, then it's going to be really hard to keep going with it if people are making horrible comments that lower your self-esteem.  That's why I would consider telling them (or having your husband tell them again) exactly how you feel.

Ps.  10 lbs is great.  Losing weight slowly is the best way to do it, and the most important thing in the end is whether you can keep it off.

thanks guys. I'm lovin' all this support!

Hobnob, yeah my husband and I have completely changed our eating habits and he especially loves to go running and walking. It's painful for me to walk though because my back starts to give up on me just a few blocks down so I don't excercise as often as he does. Because we changed our dieting habits, he's lost about 18 lbs and he's very thin as it is so it's very very noticable on him. So that doesn't help with the whole family situation because his side think that I'm somehow starving him and eating all the food (which they've joked about). So not only is my self esteem low, but I feel guilty that he's changed his eating habits because he's trying to support me. 

Aww, he sounds awesome!  He's a grown up and I'm sure he can determine if he needs to eat more.  Remember that what we think looks skinny, and what is actually medically underweight aren't necessarily the same things.  But if he still isn't eating enough, then how about him eating a big lunch when he's at work and/or having a bigger portion size at dinner?  But I would steer away from him eating unhealthy snacks etc in your company.

I'm so sorry Gibby. 

I have to say that if I had family getting down on me about something I am sensitive about, whether they're joking or not, and it bothered me that much, I would consider saying something. It would appear that your DH saying something to them about it has had no effect, so hearing it straight from the horse's mouth might be more effective.

You having laughed along before may have made them think that it doesn't bother you that much. Next time they mention it, you could gently say "Listen, I am trying to lose weight, but it's a very difficult issue for me, and your comments hurt me even if they aren't meant that way."

Or, if you're just not quite that confrontational, next time they say something about it you can actively not engage with it. If they shout something to you from the kitchen or the living room, pretend you didn't hear. If you're all sitting around the table or on the couch, change the topic, or smile and say nothing then make like you need to leave the room to go to the bathroom. They'll probably sense something has changed and there's no discussion if you don't play along.

I'm not saying to be passive aggressive, but there is certainly nothing wrong with being a certain kind of passive. We all say things because we want a reaction, whether it's laughter, connecting with someone, to hurt someone, anything. If they don't get a reaction, or get one they don't want or weren't expecting, they're less likely to try it again.

Hope that helps at least a little. Family stuff and relationships are so complicated. But go you for losing 10 lbs! A result is a result, no matter how big or small. 

I’m really sorry, GibbyGab. 


I don’t know if this makes you feel any better, but I used to have a really bad acne problem. I don’t mean I had a few pimples. I mean my face was covered, so that it was pretty much impossible to tell that I even had skin and the dermatologists gave me everything to try but nothing was working. So, I was making an effort to improve my appearance and seriously had people say to me “well, maybe if you just washed you face” or “well, maybe if you ate better” and “you should just drink some more water.” Other people said it was clearly something that I was doing that was making me look that way and those were the nice people! I was once asked not step aside when someone was taking a picture, so it could be a “nice” one.

Ultimately, the dermatologists recommended Accutane as my course of treatment. It was probably one of the most humiliating experiences of my life and also very painful. Initially, it did more harm than good. I looked terrible and my face burned, peeled and was bright red. My lips were always chapped. My nose bled quite often and I had to go in monthly for blood work. People got especially cruel then. I eventually put my foot down and said that I was trying to improve the health of my skin, but that it was out of my control. I said I felt depressed about the situation as it was, but having them treat me so cruelly wasn't helping matters. That helped somewhat, but I also had to shoosh people and be like "if you're going to make a comment about my skin, save it. You're not a dermatologist. If you want to tell me how I can have clear skin, then I'm going to ask you to leave."

I don’t know why some people think it’s ok to tease and ridicule people about their weight or general appearance, but you certainly don’t have to put up with it. I would definitely speak up. You’ve taken responsibility for your weight and you’re making an effort. I would state this quite clearly. Yeah, it’s not healthy to be overweight, but neither is being in the business of destroying people’s self esteem for sport. They're just being bullies! Stand up for yourself, GibbyGab! 

Thanks guys.

NoseOverTail, I'm not confrontational at all. I like your tips. That's exactly what I was looking for. I just can't get myself to say "that really hurts". I lack assertive skills and I wish I had more courage to tell people they're bothering me.

PlainPearl, I'm so sorry that you had acne issues. I did as well all through my teens. I don't understand why peoples' advice is always "you should wash your face". As if people with acne are some kind of dirty,lazy freaks!

Ouch! Hugs to you for all the pain.

They need to be made aware that even if they see it as joking it is a form of emotional abuse and it is unfair to you. I'm not assertive either, but I have sent messages to people from time to time if I needed to confront them. You can let them know they are hurting you, and the fact you are trying AND losing and they are still picking at you hurts even more. If that seems like an option for you, you could write a note or write it in a card and leave it where they will find it after a visit.

If not being around them for a while is an option, you could try that too. If they want to know why, a simple, straightforward statement of a few words letting them know it is too painful would let them know without taking a lot of courage to get through.

Another option would be getting one of those 'Mean People Suck' t-shirts and wearing it around them.

Whatever option you find works for you from all the suggestions people have listed, one of the best things to do is stop laughing along. They are seeing that as your permission to keep going, even though it is a coping technique to keep from crying. Letting your emotions show will get the point across. You can tell them you have been trying to pretend it doesn't hurt but it does.

When people feel the need to pick at someone else, it is because they have their own insecurities and focusing on someone else makes them feel better about themselves. It doesn't make it any less painful. I have struggled with weight since childhood, and have had my fair share of comments from people. I've been fortunate in that they haven't been from family.

Awww (((hugs))) to you.  As someone who's been fat her whole life,  comments like that just hurt and dig in so much.

Anyways, usually I just go with a 'yup' when comments are issued and change the subject.    Or will say 'I'm working on it.'  Not great advice really, just wanted to commiserate.  Come and join us in the Shrinkers board if you want, you'll need to PM vnicepeeps to get in, but its nice and supportive  

Would it be helpful if the next time they joked around you said something like "I know you joke because you care about me and am concerned with my health, however your comments are not constructive on my weight loss journey and I'd appreciate it if the only time my weight is brought up is when I talk about it myself."

On a different note of the same song, I get it quite often from one family member here over shoe size. She takes any chance she can to point out how much bigger my feet are than hers. She also refers to shoes in my size as massive. Sure I wear a UK 5 or 6 depending on the shoe and she wears a 2 or a 3 depending on the shoe, but I am also 5 ft 6 to her 4 ft 8. Interestingly enough, another female in the family wears an 8 and she never says a word about that.

I've never really thought anything of a person's foot size.. or body size for that matter. What is inside is far more important. People will figure it out one day.

5 is "massive"!!??? 

5 or 6 is completely average.  If anything she's the outlier 

5 or 6 is completely average.  If anything she's the outlier 

Yeah, size 5 is average, but size 2 or 3 is pretty tiny (although maybe not for someone who is 4'8"). I've only ever met one person with feet that small - most women I know are size 5 or 6 or bigger.

I'm a size 5 and I actually have pretty small feet compared to a lot of my friends (I'm 5'2")... my mum is 2 inches shorter than me and she wears a size 6.