What to do now?

I am new to this site and appreciate it more than you know.  I've been reading over the different threads, and am really quite concerned about my situation. 

I am a USC with a UKC fiance.  We have started the Visa process to bring him here, but it is looking rather doubtful that he qualifies for a Visa to the US.  We hadn't considered me moving to the UK until these things came to light.  That means there would be a finality to the move, so it's not like if I wasn't happy we could just up and change our minds and move to the US. In fact, the things that have come to light may make it very difficult for him to travel to the US with me.  I'm, quite frankly, not sure I can make the move.  I'm scared half out of my mind.  It's giving me panic attacks just thinking about it. 

I love my fiance dearly and do not want to give up on our relationship, however, there are things that I'm noticing with more regularity than I care to admit which make me question if marrying him is even the right thing to do.  He drinks quite a lot, especially on the weekends.  I've told him many times that I am concerned about this.  He tends to downplay it.  He tells me that this is British culture.  Should I be concerned about this?  Or is it really British culture to drink this much?

I feel very lost and don't know what to do.

It sounds like whatever it is that does not allow him to qualify for a visa to move to the US is making you question your relationship.

I'm so sorry for you 
It must feel really awful to realise that you have agreed to marry someone that you now find you don't really know well enough.

Can I just say as someone who was once married to an alcoholic... if you are having even the slightest doubt or worry about his drinking, do not marry him!  Yes, it is British culture to drink alot, and if your fiance stays in his current environment, he is probably not going to change.  If his drinking, or the drinking culture is something that bothers you,  you are probably not going to be happy here.

Look out for yourself. x

What about the fiance visa?  That would mean you'd have to get married within three months of him arriving in the US.  Or is there something bigger that precludes him getting *any* kind of visa?

As for drinking in the UK, I would say that they do drink a lot more here, but that doesn't necessarily make it healthy.  One time I went out with my work friends and one of the girls was going to have "only" four drinks because she was going out the night after.  Four drinks for me is wasted, for her is taking it easy.  

However, I've noticed this capacity to imbibe mammoth amounts of booze isn't always destructive, or even very often.  Most people maybe have a drink or two on weeknights and then get really boozy on the weekend.  It's a problem when it starts to impede on your work, your relationships, and so on.  

Are you both young, by any chance?  Like early to mid twenties?  It might just be a typical guy in his 20s thing.  I don't mean to minimize what you're saying, but without more data it's hard to tell if he has a problem or if the reality of the stress of an international move has started to show the cracks in your relationship.

I don't drink very much, maybe once or twice a month and neither does my husband. 

I would say more older people drink here in the same way that college students do in the US, but it totally depends on the person.

He doesn't go out with friends, preferring to spend time with me.  He drinks alone at home.  When he's had too much to drink he becomes argumentative.  Not abusive, mind you, but usually just taking the opposite of whatever I say to "argue" a point.  I've told him I don't particularly enjoy talking with him when he's been drinking.  I've also told him I think he's headed down a dangerous path with his drinking patterns and I have no intention of being married to a drunk.  To my knowledge he has called in "sick" to work on a Monday three times within the past year because he's had too much to drink over the weekend. 

He did come to visit me a couple of months ago for two weeks.  During the time that he was here he drank a twelve-pack a day.  He woke up wanting a drink. 

I don't think drinking a twelve-pack a day and waking up wanting a drink is normal behavior.  I'm guessing you think that as well.

Wow. I think you need to go with your gut on this one. The drinking culture in the UK is different, but I think he's using that as an excuse.

He said he was just enjoying his holiday, but since he's been back in the UK he's drinking more and more on the weekends.  I don't think he drinks during the week.

We are both in our forties.  I also meant to say the he is the kindest, gentlest, most loving person I've met.  We've both been married before.  

I feel like such a horrible person for feeling the way that I do about this.  I don't want to appear judgemental or anything of the sort.  I just don't want to make a huge mistake.  I am concerned that this has become an unhealthy relationship for him.  He says that he drinks so much because he's unhappy and he can't be happy until we are together.  This also scares me because in my former marriage I was responsible for my husband's happiness and that is too much responsibility for a person to shoulder.

Drinking that much alone is not normal either.

I think you already know your answer.  You can't be responsible for his happiness that is too much to ask of one person.

He was there for me when I needed someone and I don't know how I can just break it off with him now.  Not that I'm obligated to be in a relationship, but I truly love him. 

So many people let their love for a person blind them to reality only to wake up down the road miserable.  I don't want to be that person.

Maybe see if he will talk to someone about the drinking? 

I think you already know your answer.  

Yep.  Run far away, and by that I mean, do not marry this person unless something drastically changes.

This past weekend I encouraged him to make some friends, get out of the four walls of his flat.  I told him that if he isn't happy with himself, I can't possibly make him happy.  He said that he sees building relationships when he's planning to be gone shortly a waste of time.  That will not cure his drinking, only being with me will do that.  My response:  "What about when you were on holiday with me?"  And then told him he could continue to drink himself silly on the weekends if he wants to, but it will be at the expense of being with me, EVER, in any location.  

I'm not a prude.  I don't mind him have a couple of beers on a Saturday afternoon.  I just want him to be able to carry on a coherent conversation and I told him as much.

Hi

A guys view on this. I know many of you ladies can offer really good advice with difficult stuff like this, so I'll try my best!

Anyone who wakes up wanting a drink, is an alcoholic. At that level of physical dependency, there does as already been said, need to be a drastic change in order to come to terms/deal with/ reduce and remove the dependency. It sounds as though he is a nice person from what you've described when he does talk nicely with you. However it seems to go out the window once the alcohol flows. It's a very very weak argument to say 'it's the british culture' and that's why he drinks to the levels he does. That is nothing short of a copout.

I know it' easy to say from an outsider's point of view, but I'd say perhaps give him 3 or 6 months to change his ways or at least seriously attempt to change his drinking/alcoholism in order for you to keep considering a relationship with him. I know that might cause arguments or tension, but surely, it'd be worth it to see how he reacts to it all and that will in turn help you evaluate if it is indeed worthwhile for you to pour energy into this relationship. You've got to the level of discussing marriage which makes it a little more problematic. Reading between the lines, if he's not able to travel to or within the US, it suggests things he's done/involved with in the past which is relatively serious.

You do have some thinking to do for sure.

Just to give you an example of something similar - a very good friend of mine, she was just 2.5 weeks away from her wedding to a guy - and in Indian circles/weddings that isn't just cutting it fine, it's REALLY cutting it fine.. She called it off and when I heard why, myself and all her friends gathered to support her. It took her well over 3 years to finally move on and she's now very happily married - I distinctly remember her words "but I was so sure he'd change after I married him" - I and the rest of us are really glad she 'woke up' in time. I'm not saying its the same as your situation, however it is very close.

Good luck with whichever way you go eventually go!

Cheers! DtM! West London & Slough UK!