Parents flying over for birth or visiting later?

My husband and I are expecting our first baby in May. Even though May is months away, I am dealing with the dilemma of when my parents (who are in the States) should fly over.

I have a great relationship with my parents, but due to financial limitations they haven't been able to visit us in Scotland since I moved here three+ years ago. With the baby coming, they are scrapping together everything they can to afford to visit and they want to know when we'd like them to come.

This is my first baby, so my first thought was that I wanted my mom there for the birth, so they starting looking into flights around my due date. But then I started to realise that they wouldn't get much of a holiday- basically spending the whole time in and around our flat/the hospital (They will be staying with us). Plus babies don't come 'on time', so there is a chance they could plan to be there and still miss the birth. With that in mind I suggested that my parents plan to come later in the summer, when we know the baby will be here and when things have settled down enough that we can do things together.

My mom has made it clear that this isn't about a holiday for her, but her coming to support us in whatever way we need. She doesn't want me to be on my own (obviously my husband will be there too) unless that is what I really want. But I've not done this before, so I really don't know what I will want/need on the day (or the day after for that matter!).

Any thoughts? Did anyone else have their mom fly in for their child's birth? Will I regret her not being there? Or is it better to wait to have visitors until we've bonded and settled into life as parents?

Will your husband be taking leave from his job to help you after the birth? It's really a personal choice.  I had my mother fly out when my son was born, and I really, really needed her - and my husband was home as well.  Moms are good at things like making meals, doing laundry, holding baby while you shower, and things like that.  I don't think I could have managed without her, to be honest.

My husband will be taking leave- he'll get two weeks paternity leave and likely take a some of his annual leave dates as necessary too.

I definitely think my folks will be a big help- I just feel bad about the expense and sacrifice on their part. (Flights are expensive. My mom still works full-time and will be using all her vacation time to come.) Maybe I just need to thank my lucky stars that I have parents willing to be so giving and accept their help!

My parents planned their trip for about a week after my due date and it was a week long trip.  I had asked the midwife what the latest date was that they would let me go over and she had said 10 days.  So we figured at best, baby was a week old and they got a full week with her and at worst, they were here for the birth and only got 4 days with her.  They too were limited on vacation time and needed to book in advance. 

As it was, I went 6 days early, so when they got here the baby was almost two weeks old.  It worked out really well because it was just about the time my DH's paternity leave was coming to an end, so they were around to help me during the day etc. 

Don't worry too much about them not getting a touristy experience.  They truly do just want to see you and the new grand baby.  The tourist places will be around for another 10 years or more!

Well, when my first was born I had my parents book for my actual due date and I was 11 days late in the end and it was a miserable long wait with two extra bodies in the house adding to the stress. With my second, I asked them to come about 3 weeks after she was born, and it was sooooooo much better. So much easier, we got along better, it wasn't too stressful. I didn't find my mother to be helpful with the baby, especially when I was breastfeeding, my husband was plenty helpful with food etc. So personally, if I was to do it again, which I will never ever do! I would just have them come over after baby is born, makes life easier. Good luck and congratulations!

Although it is lovely to have your parents (especially your Mum!) around at the birthday, unless you are being induced/having a planned c-section it is really difficult to plan.

Just to give you two examples: I was 3.5 weeks early with my first child and 2 weeks late with my second!

I'd plump for having them visit when you are home with the baby. Its such a shame when being an ocean away, (or two, in our case), makes things so difficult, but Skype is wonderful in the interim.

My parents came over for six weeks when our daughter was born, arriving 2 weeks before my due date.  They drove us nuts.  When I was pregnant with our son we decided to have them come after, think he was a few weeks old, and it was sooooooo much less stress!

When we had DD here my mom insisted on coming later so we could bond/ adjust to life with a baby.  Her thoughts were mostly down the line of " you should get used to life with no help- then when I come its a bonus" -tough love I guess .  She came when DD was about 8 or 10 weeks old and stayed for 2 weeks.  DH took his 2 weeks paternity and a little extra.  It worked out fine for us because he could deal with most of the extra stuff for the 2 weeks and things started settling into place.  When she came it was nice because we were into a routine already and she just sort of helped out and I could do extra stuff I'd been wanting to do for awhile (i.e. get my haircut or something) we did also go out around town some but no "big" trips".  I think it was the right thing for us in the end because everyone could enjoy the time without out any added stress.

This time we are hoping to have her and MIL come at different times because DH has some work trips he needs to take so we will try and work out visits so I have some help while he is gone.  Baby is due beginning of April and we're hoping to get someone to visit mid- May.  He will also take his 2 weeks plus a little extra depending on how things go.

Geeta's right on it being a personal choice.  It depends on so many factors--space, relationship, expectations.  With DD1 I was in a tiny one-bedroom flat, and my mother really wanted to come to the birth.  I love my mom very much, but this would have been disastrous for us.  Our space was so small, and my mother does NOT know the meaning of travelling light.  She then spreads out, and to be honest, things become all about her while she is there.  I felt like I wouldn't have the breathing space to just enjoy my time with my husband and our new baby.  I'd have felt I needed to take care of her too.

For us, it came down to my husband's feelings.  He was happy to support whatever I wanted, but he also worried he'd be brushed aside and not properly be able to get to know his new baby until she left.  He wanted to savour that precious time without someone staring over his shoulder.  I completely supported that and felt the same way.  It was hard for my mother to understand, but we got past it.

On the other hand, when DD2 came along, my father had booked a trip in for about two weeks after my due date.  He actually arrived while I was still in the hospital after giving birth the day before (both my girls were late).  Now, having my Dad there was a godsend.  He was thrilled to just sit in a corner and cuddle his new grandbaby whenever I'd let him or cook some meals for us when we were tired.  He kept DD1 entertained and plied her with treats from the States (she loved that!).  He did not expect me to get out and do anything (which was good since we got snowed in, and I was too tired anyway), and he picked up around the house so I could sleep as I needed it.  My husband also loved having him here and felt he was a support and strength to us.  It also helped that we were in a three bedroom house by that time  

Dad's temperament and calmness around my husband made it a joy to have him with us.  He just built on things he thought we were doing well and rarely made suggestions for things that could be better.  When he did, they were well thought out and we would usually take suggestions on board.  My mom, when she visits, is repeatedly telling us how to do everything differently, which she feels is helpful.  It wears thin after a while.

I would suggest writing down all of your options and the different factors that could impact it.  Have a good long talk with your husband and search out his feelings.  Make sure you're getting the real feelings, not just what he thinks he should say because you're the one having the baby. 

Personally, if your family has limited leave time I don't think trying to plan to be there for the actual birth is always wise. I just remembered that with DD1 my husband got called to Brussells for an important job interview very near my due date.  I panicked that I would be all alone and called my best friend, who had planned on seeing us after the baby was born.  She came out, and used all her annual leave to be with me, but still missed the birth. DD1 was induced two weeks late, and my dearest friend didn't get to see her until she was one year old, despite having flown out for the birth.  You could look at a middle ground--booking tickets for a week and a half or so after the due date, then you know they'll still see the baby no matter when they come, but if having them there for the actual birth is what is important, then you will all need to have some flexibility and be prepared that things may not go at all to plan.

I remember thinking with #1 birth "I can do this -- I don't need my mother". But my mum insisted on coming for the birth and I was sooo glad she was there to help out and hold me together during the "blues". (I think it was only an option for husbands to be there for the actual birth so it never occurred to me to have my mother there). You just never know how you're going to be feeling those first few weeks after the birth. And I'm sure the last thing your mum is thinking about is having a holiday 

My mum came for #2 birth as well and that time we needed a sitter for #1. As you say, babies never come when they're expected so she almost didn't make it in time. She was very good at helping DD get over the horrors of a little brother!

My two cents:

Giving birth to your first child will only happen once and your mom being there to experience it with you is a once in a life time experience for her! I vote your mom can be with you. However, how long can she stay? Is it possible for you mom to come in advance of your dad so her visit could be longer?  Maybe come two weeks then dad joins for another two weeks?  I just know as a mom, it is an experience she will always treasure and will regret if she isn't there. the bonding will last a lifetime!

My mom came over for the birth of my first lo last december.  I was due on the 20th and she came a few days before that planning to stay a month.  In the days before baby when I was too tired and huge to do much she cooked my favorite meals (freezing large portions!), and went to my antenatal appts with me, marveling at the more natural (and imo better) approach practiced here.  Whilst I was actually in labor I'm not sure that having her there was that helpful bc my husband did most of the coaching, etc (on the other hand when my sister had her little boy my mom was pretty much her birthing partner as my BIL was greatly overwhelmed!). 

My daughter was born on xmas but due to a few unforeseen hitches we had to stay in the hospital a few extra days and my mom looked after our dog for us and brought me things from home I needed.  It was such a relief to have her there when I found out I wouldn't be able to breastfeed my daughter (hubby could never grasp how devastating this was though he did try) and it was just helpful in general that she knew what I was going through hormone-wise (next time I'm going to encapsulate the placenta and avoid that roller coaster!).  She was able to extend her trip by a couple of weeks (her boss was very flexible about it but she did do some work remotely) but for the middle portion of the trip she was cat-sitting at our neighbor's house.  This was absolutely perfect - she was just there if I needed her but had her own space.  She had us "over" for dinner at night so we could get out of the house for a couple of hours. 

Overall I am very grateful that my mom was able to come for the birth of my daughter as we'll always share those memories (some of them hard albeit).  Hopefully they will be able to get the timing as close as possible but regardless good luck!!

(next time I'm going to encapsulate the placenta and avoid that roller coaster!). 

   WHAT??!! 

  WHAT??!! 

People dehydrate it, grind it up, and stick it in little pills. It's supposed to help with the "baby blues" and increasing your milk supply, but I don't think I could ever do it!

People dehydrate it, grind it up, and stick it in little pills. It's supposed to help with the "baby blues" and increasing your milk supply, but I don't think I could ever do it!

I've heard of women eating it straight--that's one I don't think I'd stomach.