In-Laws....about to crack

So just thought i'd start a new topic to follow up my epic vent about moving here. Since my last post, some things have gotten better but the in-laws have gotten worse. I feel like i'm going to crack. I could go on and on about the things that bother me but to sum up, MIL's biggest fear is her son moving away. Every time I see her, we get asked "if we are settling in" (even more than a year later) and "if we will stay in the UK." Last week, i got caught with her alone and she asked me again. I said I don't know and to be honest, it's expensive here and yeah, one day I might want to move home.

If you've read my last post, you know I dont care for it here. But I think a lot of my frustration comes from deep homesickness. I'm started to get really offended her asking me that every time I see her. I get she doesnt want her son to move but she has to deal with it, just like my friends and family have dealt with me leaving. This is someone who flipped when I took my husband to visit my family for christmas, even though we see them once a year and them at least once a month. i want to tell my husband to tell her to stop asking but she kind of also gets off on causing tension.

i'm honestly worried now how this affects my marriage. i really miss home and maybe i wont move right away but i definitely want to in the future. but of course, on the flip side, my husband is cut off from his family and i dont want him feeling the way i do. it seems either way, someone loses big time. i feel if we moved, i'd feel guilty but then again, i feel horrible here cut off from everyone and MIL's pressuring me to stay is not helping.

is it just me or is this really rude? what would you guys come back with? it's literally everytime I see her, even to the point if we mention other americans she asks "do they sty here for good or just stay temporarily." and i know she's asking not because she cares if I like it here, but because she doesn't want him to leave.

Ugh, I feel for you.  What is your MIL's fear do you think?  If you did move, would she travel and visit?  For instance, my FIL does not fly, so I know he would not visit us if we moved to the US.  Is your husband a mummy's boy?  Is he an only child?

that's the thing...she's a flight attendant! and flys to the US often. i'm not sure what the exact issue is, i just know she doesnt want him to move. he's not a mummy's boy, he's brother is (who i feel sorry for, because he does everything as she likes it and all she can see is my husband) but it's no secret within the family that my husband is her favorite. he's the first born.

i also think it's maybe its a sort of rejection? she's one of those people who has never left her hometown or had any sort of independence. she doesnt seem to realize that my husband hasn't gone the way in life that she has. i know that she compares her family to her friend's, whose kids are total mum's boys, who are always around and live nearby and some even at home.

How about this for your comeback:  "Why do you ask?"

So if she asks if you are settling in okay, you could say, "Yes, it's been a year now.  Why do you ask?"  Sweetly and quizzically, not accusingly...

@KFdancer

thanks, that's a good suggestion simple but effective

You know I have heard people give advice regarding this sort of thing along the lines of, being his mother he should step in and take care of these sorts of things.

You know I have heard people give advice regarding this sort of thing along the lines of, being his mother he should step in and take care of these sorts of things.

SoS, what do you think then?  It's great to have a man's perspective!  Should it be up to the man to resolve the awkwardness?  Or should the women try to talk?

I had an issue with my MIL last summer and my husband wanted me to talk to her.

SoS, what do you think then?  It's great to have a man's perspective!  Should it be up to the man to resolve the awkwardness?  Or should the women try to talk?

I had an issue with my MIL last summer and my husband wanted me to talk to her.

Well KF, every relationship is unique, and I don't think I have the background to give specific advice.

But with these mother-in-law/daughter-in-law things....there is always a guy just sort of bemusedly standing back out of the line of fire. "Good lord, here goes these women again....fighting over me."

Again (and I am no White Knight), these feminists may have a point. It may be that men do sort of opt out of a lot of the very real/crappy/unrewarding work of familial relationship maintenance.

But mothers do love their children. It's tricky.

SoS, what do you think then?  It's great to have a man's perspective!  Should it be up to the man to resolve the awkwardness?  Or should the women try to talk?

I had an issue with my MIL last summer and my husband wanted me to talk to her.

I think it'd depend on the relationship between the women involved, and the guy's relationship with both of them.  If everyone involved is a pretty reasonable person, and they have good relationships with each other, then I think the wife should try to resolve things with the MIL herself, because it's better if two people can work out a problem themselves without bringing in a third person.

If the wife and MIL don't have a good relationship, and if the guy and his mother do, then the guy should probably start the conversation with his mother, and possibly bring the wife in depending on how the MIL responds.

If none of them have a good enough relationship to have this conversation, they should all complain about each other to each other behind each others' backs, and attack each other in really petty, small ways that have nothing to do with the actual problem. 

This will allow the problem to fester for years and years until the mother rewrites her will to cut the son and his wife out of it completely.  This will make the son and wife very angry in spite of the fact that the MIL's estate consists mainly of crystal figurines bought at the seaside, and £34 in Tesco vouchers. 

then I think the wife should try to resolve things with the MIL herself, because it's better if two people can work out a problem themselves without bringing in a third person.

But that would be sort of the thing wouldn't it?

"Ladies, can't you take this out back and settle it? Why get me all balled up in it?"

But he is in it.

But that would be sort of the thing wouldn't it?

"Ladies, can't you take this out back and settle it? Why get me all balled up in it?"

Don't say it like that unless you want them both mad at you. 

Then again, getting both of them mad at you might bring them closer together, but that's an advanced move. 

But he is in it.

Yeah, in this case he's probably in it.

Then again, getting both of them mad at you might bring them closer together, but that's an advanced move. 

At what price victory?

If I did have to make some sort of analysis on this man's strategy.....it is just plain procrastination. Which is not bad necessarily. People always say procrastination is the thief of time and such...to me, I think we screw up an awful lot of stuff by just doing it.

Follow my thoughts...

There is a small leak in the roof and one morning you say, "Hang it all! Today is the day I fix it!" So you climb up there - full of manly vigour - and start tearing off the tiles and before it is over with you've had to call some guy around who knows what he's doing and he's charged you an arm and a leg to get it right. I posit that you would have actually been better off ordering a pizza and napping on the couch. Maybe just squirt some super roof goo up there around the chimney pipe and pray to the fickle gods of home repair. 

With Lala's family situation, here's his gambit...let it stew a bit. Perhaps Lala will start liking the UK and settle in and the problem solves itself. Perhaps Mom will come to some sort of epiphany and realize that a move to the US would be good....and the problem solves itself. So why try and pin it all down with some sort of binding agreement....let it simmer.

Now you and I, Camoscato, we know where this can end up....

If none of them have a good enough relationship to have this conversation, they should all complain about each other to each other behind each others' backs, and attack each other in really petty, small ways that have nothing to do with the actual problem. 

   Have you installed CCTV cameras in our house, or something?

@sonofasailor i'm torn on whether i actually want my husband to say anything or not. if it were me, i'd tell my family to back off but then again, we have that kind of relationship where we can say anything to each other (sometimes it's not always a good thing though...sometimes lots of yelling) but also, when you have someone like his mum, who wants to manipulate and play games with two people who are very much non-gameplayers, i feel like it's feeding into what she wants in way. i dont do well in these situations because i'm not that kind of person and don't know how to respond to these situations. my husband isnt very good on picking up when someone is being passive aggressive or making snide comments but the good thing is, when it is time to take a trip back or do something the way we want to do it, he is on my side and shuts her down, even if she protests. he's just not good at handling all the little "remarks."

@camoscato agree, it depends on the people involved. if i thought she was reasonable, i'd try to explain things but she isn't. she absolutely cannot see things beyond her own world.

Is it possible that maybe she does just genuinely want to know if you are getting on okay? I didn't read the previous post so I may just be asking things answered in the other thread or missing something big entirely - but it seems like maybe if she knows you have been unhappy here, which you admitted to in your first post, that she does just want you to settle down and be happy? Perhaps your husband has mentioned that you miss home, etc., to her in a private discussion before and she thinks she is being caring by asking and trying to start a dialogue when it's actually being perceived differently by you? Have you just tried replying with the way you are actually feeling and why you feel unhappy in the UK [like missing friends/family]?

Like I said, I could be completely wrong and just taking a stab in the dark but maybe she is just smothering you with these questions thinking she's showing she cares and wants to help by being a caring MIL and perhaps you are just perceiving it the wrong way because of how you feel about the situation? Just playing a bit of devil's advocate.