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Topic: UK Husband Hates the South  (Read 4201 times)

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UK Husband Hates the South
« Reply #30 on: December 04, 2015, 11:46:36 AM »
Interesting thread.  I'm always a bit leery when I hear people base their likelihood for happiness on a place or region.  This is especially paradoxical when they are in a relationship with someone from a different country.  I've moved my entire life and have lived in both conservative and liberal places.  You can't pity yourself for being an outsider or 'other'.  You simply get on, find likeminded groups of people and learn to agree to disagree with the others.  My partner is from the Deep South, so I can relate to some of this, but there many aspects of culture there that are positive as well.  Conversely, after living in the UK as long as I have, many here are much more insular and fixed then they hold themselves up to be. 

Besides, having an accent from the UK will carry you much further in the US.  It's an asset in many ways.  The same cannot be said for the reverse though, lol. 

I know it sounds trite, but happiness comes from within.   You might get an initial high from moving places, but odds are if you're unhappy and unfulfilled in one location,  you're going to carry that mind-set with you regardless of where you live.    Good luck.


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« Last Edit: December 04, 2015, 11:50:16 AM by scrumfan »


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Re: UK Husband Hates the South
« Reply #31 on: December 04, 2015, 11:54:33 AM »
I just get sort of wrankled with people who sort of promote themselves.
...
Or with Larissa...


You're putting words into my mouth.  Describing the breakdown of my relationship on a very public forum was done far from the purpose of promoting myself.  Sympathising in that way you described would have added even less value to the thread than spilling part of my story did.

Look, it's a knee jerk reaction of mine. If somebody calls somebody lazy, or like when the couple on here keep getting bashed for trying to game the system....I at least put up a token complaint.

I don't like struggling people being bashed. If I come around a corner and three big guys are beating up a little guy, I'll yell "STOP". Maybe I find out he just knocked over an old lady and took her purse......then I might give him a kick or two myself.....but off-the-bat, my urge is to yell "STOP". 

When the guy in question is an immigrant, I yell "STOP" louder, because I am an immigrant, and he is my brother.

The OP is an immigrant as well, and she's struggling.  She seems to be having a hard time with reserve culture shock, living with close family she doesn't necessarily share views with, and that's made harder by the situation that she's in with regards to finances and her husband out of work at the moment.

Again, we're expressing sympathy for a situation which is incredibly difficult.  But her husband is no more the little guy in this situation than the OP herself is.  Please quit looking for fault and take things at face value.  If I met the guy I wouldn't kick him, I wouldn't bash him, just as I'm not doing now.  The entire situation sucks and it appears OP is a bit stuck.

And no, I wouldn't tell my story as you did about my marriage.  How is saying the, "we struggled through" lie and glossing over it better than the truth in your mind?  Because you see your version as self-deprecating?  Your story of how it'd be better way for me to tell it was so far from the truth, I can only assume that you mis-read or mis-understood.  And I tell that story knowing that I have met, and will met others on UKY in the future and no one will hold it against us, because as above, we're all immigrants, brothers or whatever, and we've all had our struggles.  But those struggles don't mean glossing over the sh1t.
« Last Edit: December 04, 2015, 12:37:25 PM by Larissa »


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Re: UK Husband Hates the South
« Reply #32 on: December 04, 2015, 12:04:12 PM »
Totally off topic but McDonald's can be a pretty amazing place to work.

My aunt started working there (not really sure why) for the breakfast shift many many years ago.  When my eldest cousin was old enough for a job, she started working at the same one.  She worked there during holidays and summers home from college and got a fancy schmancy degree in a musical instrument.  My middle cousin did the same, as did the youngest.  My eldest cousin still works at the same McDonald's now and is the general manager and does very well.  The middle cousin is now a nurse.  And the youngest an accountant.  My aunt still works the breakfast shift, has no desire to move into management, and loves her job.  McDonald's can be a great place to start a new path in life!


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Re: UK Husband Hates the South
« Reply #33 on: December 04, 2015, 12:27:52 PM »
Totally off topic but McDonald's can be a pretty amazing place to work.
McDonald's can be a great place to start a new path in life!

Absolutely agree. I don't eat at these places much anymore.....not that I eat well.....just too cheap to pay that much for food. We stopped at a McD's a couple of weeks ago in York....I unfortunately love greasy food. Fish+chips....doner kabab.....vindaloo......mmmmm.
Fred


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Re: UK Husband Hates the South
« Reply #34 on: December 04, 2015, 03:11:32 PM »
You're putting words into my mouth. 

No "self promotion" was a poor choice on my part. And I understand that you were offering advice in a "what worked for me" kind of way. Again, I think I've stated my poor advice giving abilities.

I mean, "Perhaps your husband should try and take an anthropological view" may be like advising to brush your teeth when the house is on fire.


I just hope that more people will ignore the fatalism of the argument that we are beyond repair. We are not beyond repair. We are never beyond repair. - AOC


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UK Husband Hates the South
« Reply #35 on: December 04, 2015, 03:53:18 PM »
Oh man, that alternate wording for my SF story was bizarre.  It wasn't any more self deprecating or less self promoting, just told with a funny accent.  I'm not sure whether I should be offended or what.  I certainly didn't tell that story to make myself appear cooler although driving across the country with girls in a VW bus really was the apex of my coolness.  I told the story to make the same point as Scrumfan, happiness comes from you and your own outlook, not from where you are.  Going back to England is not going to solve that problem.

By the way , I massively disagree with Scrumfan.  I have the thickest American accent ever and get nothing but love from the English for it.  Not a day goes by when somebody is not nice to me because of my accent.  Sure, people take the piss but that's Ok as well.   One group of friends called me Hank for years, I thought they couldn't remember my name.  Turn out it was rhyming slang for Yank.


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« Last Edit: December 04, 2015, 04:00:12 PM by jimbocz »


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Re: UK Husband Hates the South
« Reply #36 on: December 05, 2015, 12:32:48 AM »
Wow...

Ok, so when I first posted this message, I was a little angry with my husband because he just started an argument with one of my family members at Thanksgiving.  I was also upset because the US wasn't what I thought it would be and it was easy to blame everything on him.  I feel that I have apparently given a very bad impression of him, which couldn't be more far from the truth...

We had an amazing three years in the UK, and before that a wonderful year in Spain.  Yes my husband has had trouble finding work, but it has more to do with the fact that we both destroyed our resumes when we were first together because we hopped from one country to the next, so we wouldn't have to be apart.  Also, we both resorted to taking a lot of jobs we didn't want, so our career paths became non-existent and we both were looking to change careers.

Before living in Europe, we met and lived together in Orlando and it was incredible.  We expected it to be the same coming back, but were both disappointed to find that we have grown to love the European way of life so much that the US does seem like a major culture shock.  The last time we were in Orlando, he was on a post-uni work abroad program, so he had a great network of British mates and I already had a strong group of friends.  However, that was seven years ago and we were in our early 20s.  Now, we have different interests and dreams, which don't seem to be fulfilled here.

It's the little things... like the fact that our main hobby is walking, we are obsessed with curry, British shops and supermarkets that carry what we like, having a small car and not being afraid that someone will run us over, again...being able to go on three or four mile walks without worrying about spiders or snakes or bears or having to practically take survival gear, being able to walk to the shops, good public transport, feeling free to go see a doctor without worrying about the bill first, being able to go out and do a great free activity like museums or walking (of course), and being able to drive less than 30 minutes and getting to a whole new town.

My husband is an amazing person and what causes us more trouble than anything is that we simply like staying home everyday and enjoying each other's company.  To be honest, I have had just as many holes in my employment as my husband.  And he hasn't been unemployed for three years, he's just switched jobs quite a lot and had a few lapses in between.  The main reason for not taking the job in Orlando is he knew we'd be unhappy there and struggle to make rent... and he was right.

I am sorry if I was a little dramatic from my emotions at the time, but my husband is the most amazing person in the world.  Yes, he has been through a tough time with work, but who hasn't these days?  I've had a tricky time too.

The bottom line is, we should have stayed in the UK.  We didn't realize how different the US is and how different we've become.  There are some core things here that will just never be ok with us.  I spent the first few weeks trying to make it work because I didn't want to disappoint my family, but now I see that I would be just as unhappy here too.  It's just too much of a stretch for us.

I know it's a little hard to explain an entire situation in a post and I really hate that I gave such a bad impression of my husband.  I can't even begin to say how incredibly far from the truth that is.  Having a job isn't everything.

We've just gotten jobs in my hometown (both of us).  We hate the jobs, but we're saving up to escape back to England in the summer.  I disagree with the people who say that you shouldn't base your happiness on work or where you live.  I think that is such a huge part of life...  Maybe we may not have much money, or stable jobs, or make major moves on a whim,...but we are more in love with each other than any romance I have ever read or seen.  I would take that over a stable career any day.

Again, apologies for my overly dramatic initial post.


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Re: UK Husband Hates the South
« Reply #37 on: December 05, 2015, 07:40:52 AM »
That's why when I was teaching I would tell parents....."If it's important....don't send me an email, come talk to me.....or I'll come talk to you". Either way.....getting your point across in a written message can be really difficult and easy to give a wrong impression.

I've never lived in the South of the US.....and don't really want to. That comment by itself could really irritate somebody who likes living in the South......and I'm sure there are plenty of people (duh!!) who do like living there.
Fred


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Re: UK Husband Hates the South
« Reply #38 on: December 05, 2015, 10:40:16 AM »
I believe in your husband. Stay strong!
I just hope that more people will ignore the fatalism of the argument that we are beyond repair. We are not beyond repair. We are never beyond repair. - AOC


Re: UK Husband Hates the South
« Reply #39 on: December 05, 2015, 11:40:27 AM »
I'm glad you've both found jobs and are making plans for the future. Do you mean that you're making a permanent return to the UK?

We'll be returning to the US for a couple of years soon, and I know that it will be a big wrench not being able to walk anywhere other than the mall after I've driven there!


Re: UK Husband Hates the South
« Reply #40 on: December 05, 2015, 02:02:19 PM »
Kathryn, does your hubby have a hobby that he is good at to make money from.

I am moving to the UK. My resume and applications have always had a UK address since I started applying in February 2015.... I get immediate rejections.  First off, they have no clue about my legal status (it's just now that my settlement visa was completed)... I haven't stepped foot in the UK, I have applied to over 100 job post applications and not one has come in for a face to face interview. I could have easily been there within a few days notice.... I know I can't just land there and find myself still looking for work another year.

I just started to build a photography portfolio ... I plan on having 5000 flyers printed from here, and as soon as I get there hit the ground running and leaving my photography services on door knobs.  In less than a week, I have a temporary webpage up. And already getting free clients, so I can use as content.

I am extremely discouraged to move to the UK. but now I finally see this as an opportunity to challenge all I have ever learned in life, and put it to use.

However..... Men, in my opinion, are idiots. They are lazy, they procrastinate, they are stubborn and selfish....... Just make sure you have one that has at least one less dent than the rest.


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Re: UK Husband Hates the South
« Reply #41 on: December 05, 2015, 02:06:20 PM »
Edit edit.... I just saw what you wrote a few hours ago, I only made it past 2 handful reads....

I'm glad things are sorted :) but most off all I am glad you don't see your hubby in dim light and both of you have a strong bond.  It's something I know my relationship lacks, and it hurts to see another female dealing with another jerk. But this wasn't the case for you.

Welcome bAck to Florida!!!!


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Re: UK Husband Hates the South
« Reply #42 on: December 05, 2015, 02:26:32 PM »
However..... Men, in my opinion, are idiots. They are lazy, they procrastinate, they are stubborn and selfish....... Just make sure you have one that has at least one less dent than the rest.

Just be aware that the validity of your visa is based solely on your relationship with your husband... it has to be continually genuine and subsisting in order for your visa to be valid and for you to continue living in the UK.

I know you have mentioned divorce and issues with your relationship, and I hope that once you are in the UK, you manage to work through them, but if your relationship does permanently break down while you are in the UK, your husband is legally obligated to inform UKVI of this and they will cancel your visa... meaning you will either have to qualify for a different type of visa to stay, or you will have to move back to the US within a certain number of days.


Re: UK Husband Hates the South
« Reply #43 on: December 05, 2015, 02:59:10 PM »
I am very well prepared to return to the US if be it.  Days, 1 month, 6 months 15 months or even the 30 months. Whenever I have to leave, I will leave. I don't want to be emotionally trapped by someones who shown me hurt nonstop.  The bad outweighs the good rare moments in quantity.  I'm just lucky to be out of the fog thinking he was something else. 

Funny thing is, his mom warned me how selfish and stubborn he is. 
A tiger never changes his stripes! And I kept buying into his words: "sorry" "will learn for next time" "oh but my ex girlfriend is my best friend" "oh but that's my 6th best friend and I can't sever my relationship with him" "I didn't know" "I thought" "leave it to me, I will take care of it"


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Re: UK Husband Hates the South
« Reply #44 on: December 05, 2015, 03:47:54 PM »

However..... Men, in my opinion, are idiots. They are lazy, they procrastinate, they are stubborn and selfish....... Just make sure you have one that has at least one less dent than the rest.


Ah hell.....this hits me to the quick.....but she likes me anyway. How lucky can a guy get? ;)  There are plenty of negative people out there.......I married a divorced woman with 4 kids and consider myself lucky.
Fred


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