Need Some Urgent Advice/Christmas

The thing is, 2 of her sons live abroad. One very recently moved to Asia and my husband to the US with me. She has 1 son who is married to someone from Europe. So yes, her not getting everyone all together at Christmas happens a lot and this was supposed to be a big deal. But as I told her, life happens and me and my husband do whats right for our family, meaning me and him, first and foremost. I said we decide what is best for our own reality at any given time.

Hmmm.... I wonder why her kids all cast such a wide net... 

Hey all, thanks again for all your comments here. They really helped a lot. We stood by our decision and although my stepmom lived longer than expected, she did pass a couple of weeks ago. After seeing how much it meant to my Dad that we were there and how much help he needed (of course) It has made me more mad at my in-laws. I think I will get over it in time but I'm not yet. And they want to come over next week to visit us (only for a day though) And honestly, I can't bear the thought. I thought their behavior was insane and if they weren't my in-laws, I'd honestly never speak to people like that again.

I'm debating whether or not to go. I want them to know I'm not ok with what they did and that behavior won't be tolerated. At the same time, if I don't go, it might look petty or childish? But it will be reeeeallly hard not to say what I mean to them.

They did apologize and MIL has been messaging my Dad with support and offering him to stay with them if he ever wants to visit. (My Dad doesn't know what happened and how they acted and watching him praise them for their messages and stuff twists my stomach as well) But this is just the latest thing in a series of bad behavior from them. I've honestly had it and don't know if can even look at them, let alone visit.

Should I skip meeting them or suck it up?

They are in the UK and you are in the USA, correct?  They are just seeing you for the day after travelling all that way?

What does your husband want?  If he wants to see them, I would go and play nice.  If they say anything, just say that you have no regrets and you did what was right for you and that this a tough time and appreciate their support and no criticism.

Yes, they are in the UK and we in the US. Husband wants to see them and is the type to let things roll off his back. He has said he completely fine going alone but he would like it if I went but completely understands if I wanted to skip.

They are in the UK and you are in the USA, correct?  They are just seeing you for the day after travelling all that way?

What does your husband want?  If he wants to see them, I would go and play nice.  If they say anything, just say that you have no regrets and you did what was right for you and that this a tough time and appreciate their support and no criticism.

Agree with this. I think it's important to be a united front in that I can appreciate going with him and playing nice BUT he needs to be on the same page as you that if comments are made, he won't just let it slide or treat it like it's okay.

But, just to caveat, I could also appreciate if you chose you didn't want to go...just know that this could have a knock on effect when/if you move over and your husband intends to have them in your life (so it's more of a "pick your battles" thing). I agree that what they did was beyond out of line, but I think because they've made steps to apologise and see the "error of their ways", it might be worth giving them the benefit of the doubt and trying to move forward and rebuild the relationship with them...however, I think that you both need to be united in shutting that sh*t down in future and your husband can't make excuses or let the crappy behaviour prevail next time.

Yeah I think I def need to be more united with my husband. FYI, we already tried living in the UK and it didn't work out. We moved away and I'm sooo much more happy because I'm away from dynamics like this. Husband has said he needs to be more blunt with them and now I'm seeing what he had to deal with growing up. I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt but when MIL messages my Mom complaining of us not coming over, I know she still doesn't get it. I just don't trust them at this point.

I don't blame you for feeling that way and you're totally entitled to feel that way. All I can say is to just keep remaining a united front. Once she sees she can't bully you into doing what she wants and that your husband will not longer allow it, hopefully she'll learn her lesson. It's all about whether or not this is the hill you're willing to fight and die on (pardon the expression as I don't mean to come across as insensitive given the situation). I think, for me, given the details you've given here, I would probably look to rebuild and repair the relationship unless any further drama happened and with the understanding that my husband had my back. If that changes or she hadn't apologised and realised what she did was so wrong and messed up, then I probably would fight on that hill...but then that will vary for every individual. There is no right or wrong answer, just what works best for you

Hey all, thanks again for all your comments here. They really helped a lot. We stood by our decision and although my stepmom lived longer than expected, she did pass a couple of weeks ago. After seeing how much it meant to my Dad that we were there and how much help he needed (of course) It has made me more mad at my in-laws. I think I will get over it in time but I'm not yet. And they want to come over next week to visit us (only for a day though) And honestly, I can't bear the thought. I thought their behavior was insane and if they weren't my in-laws, I'd honestly never speak to people like that again.

I'm debating whether or not to go. I want them to know I'm not ok with what they did and that behavior won't be tolerated. At the same time, if I don't go, it might look petty or childish? But it will be reeeeallly hard not to say what I mean to them.

They did apologize and MIL has been messaging my Dad with support and offering him to stay with them if he ever wants to visit. (My Dad doesn't know what happened and how they acted and watching him praise them for their messages and stuff twists my stomach as well) But this is just the latest thing in a series of bad behavior from them. I've honestly had it and don't know if can even look at them, let alone visit.

Should I skip meeting them or suck it up?

You obviously have a huge amount of resentment against your in-laws. This is going to continue to eat away at you unless you can manage to let it go. For yourself, not for them.  Ultimately, unless you can do this, you are the one who is going to suffer the most. 

@larrabee I definitely agree. I know I hold grudges and this is a hard one to let go. I think I will get over it in time but only 2 weeks isn't enough. I need space and need it to be on my terms and not theirs. I know I can't keep up avoiding them (nor do I want to) but since they caused a month long drama, I need a break from them. Yes, I simply do not like them but I'm so angry right now I starting to realize more and more I need time. But I know realistically they will never change and I need to find a way to make peace with it within myself.

Now how I do that...I do not know.

Is it a bit strange that they are coming all the way from the UK and only want to see their son for one day?  Perhaps they have already limited the visit significantly because they want to show their dissatisfaction.

I would grin and bear it for a few hours until they leave.  Ignore any invitations to fight.  Maybe if you want to send a message you could make a hair appointment or something and cut the visit short to go to that.

Is it a bit strange that they are coming all the way from the UK and only want to see their son for one day?  Perhaps they have already limited the visit significantly because they want to show their dissatisfaction.

I would grin and bear it for a few hours until they leave.  Ignore any invitations to fight.  Maybe if you want to send a message you could make a hair appointment or something and cut the visit short to go to that.

Yeah it is odd...it’s a long, expensive way to go for 1 day... seems more like a vacation already planned but wanted to tack on a day to see them


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I'm just seeing the whole post now with the update and your in-laws' egregious behaviour. What they did was inexcusable, but if I were in your shoes, I'd probably suck it up and go with my partner to spend the day with them. Unfortunately, unless your partner cuts off contact with his family, you'll have to see them again, and it'll be easier to do for a day than a longer trip. My MIL and I have never gotten along very well, and I actually look forward to opportunities where we see her briefly by 'passing through' in some form for a day or two. It's so much easier for everyone to be polite and acting at their best when the trip is short and structured.
 
I also agree with the posts above that you guys need to be united - either both or neither of you should see his parents. Given the recent events, if he comes without you it might look to them like he's siding with them over you. It also might helpful for your partner to prepare responses that show a united front if they try any weird behaviour, especially behind your back. For example, something along the lines of "It was important for us to be there for Lala's father over Christmas. We appreciate your understanding during this family emergency and are looking forward to spending the day with you in February." etc...

Re: The short trip. They've done this before. MIL used to work for an airline and gets discounted flights. It is odd that they make it so short sometimes but honestly I don't mind

I'm still not sure. If I go, I feel like I'm brushing everything under the rug for their sakes. And why should they get to feel normal and like everything is ok when I don't? I feel like I need to show them it's not ok. Plus, I'm just so angry I can barely contain it. I think what they did was a big deal. It was really really low. And I'm just not ready to tell them it's all ok yet.

Unfortunately, I didn't realize I felt like this until the time came closer for them to visit. As the time draws nearer, the more antsy I get. They've already booked their hotel so I think at least DH has to go.

You're not going to be able to effectively communicate to your in-laws what they did is not ok unless you have it out with them.  If your in-laws didn't get it before, not showing up and giving them the chance to spend the day alone with their son is not going to suddenly make them see the light and realise the error of their ways.  They may or may not realise what they did was wrong, see your point of view, or try this again.  If you show them that it's not ok by not showing up, how are you expecting them to acknowledge this?  What are you looking for from them?  Your in laws don't have the same values you do.  This is not to say that I think you should or should not see your in-laws, that's up to you guys. 

I think you and your husband should present a united front on how to spend your holidays and deal with family illnesses and emergencies, but it sounds like you're already doing that.