Depression - is it real and does it pass?

Jim,

I disagree with your wife on the green-card point. Years ago, I dated a Brit, living in Arlington and in the process of a divorce, who drunkenly told me one night that the only reason he'd married his American wife was to be able to stay and work in the States. (He subsequently slept with her best friend, she filed for divorce, but he'd been in the States long enough to stay permanently by then.) I saw my first-generation Indian roommate in college get engaged to a screw-around guy from India who was in the States on a student visa, which expired once he graduated, UNLESS he got married to an American. I watched one of my brothers go through an agonizing four-year relationship with a German wanna-be model who took him for a lot of money, although it was clear to everyone in my family, and to all his friends, that she didn't love him. He let her fiancee visa expire when he finally wised up.

It's not "laughable" to suggest that people use Americans in search of a green card/spouse visa. It happens all the time (yes, even BRITS, not to mention citizens of other Western countries, do it). If Andrea's mother has raised the point, it's valid. I know, after what I've witnessed in my OWN life, that I would forever be on the lookout about that.

Suzanne

Thank you for your insight, everyone. I am dealing with everything quite well now. My parents will be meeting Steve in a few weeks and I'm really looking forward to that. They are cautious about what was mentioned by Suzanne, however, Steve and I are truly in love and I am going to live there before he lives here and before we even marry. There will be plenty of time for friends and family to get to know him meanwhile. I trust him and know these things do happen, but I have my eyes and ears wide open and know this is the real thing.

I'm no expert on these things, but it seems to me that such a relationship suits people of an independent but loyal temperament. This sort of relationship is only for the guy who is by nature a "one-woman man."
Jim

Spot on Jim.

PittPanther, sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders....just be happy you get to see each other often (i was lucky too every month) and pass the time until you can be together. 

It's not "laughable" to suggest that people use Americans in search of a green card/spouse visa. It happens all the time (yes, even BRITS, not to mention citizens of other Western countries, do it). If Andrea's mother has raised the point, it's valid. I know, after what I've witnessed in my OWN life, that I would forever be on the lookout about that.

Suzanne,

This is a bit of a simplistic view on the world, I agree that people do use Americans to gain access to the US and become citizens, however I think you would be surprised to learn that a vast number of these cases are actually organised by organised gangs and the "American" is in full knowledge of the situation.  You way also be surprised to learn that people use citizens of the UK become UK citizens - even Americans!?!?!?

I fully agree with you that these thing do go on, however the vast majority of trans Atlantic marriages are between honest couples who just love each other and want to be together in what ever country they both feel more comfortable in.

Regards

Steve

I know a lot of mixed nationality relationships, but none personally that are specifically for anything other than true love. However, it happens enough to make a lot of red tape for us folks wanting to move to our beloved's homeland.

And, it happens enough that it makes our families nervous. Mine questioned my sanity. Not because they felt I was looking to become British in an easy way. But, they *could* have wondered if he was marrying me to get easy entry in the US. I know my sister in particular put my then future husband through a proverbial meat grinder!

Our families are concerned, and rightly so. I mean, look at what we're doing! For many of us, we have sold or given away an entire life up until the move. Quit our jobs, left behind loved ones. Darn right our families should question our sanity! And, yes, I think they should bring up some difficult questions we might be refusing to face ourselves because, to be honest, love *is* blind.

It is equally exasperating to have to explain, "no, he's not out for just a green card," and "yes, I do know what I'm doing and have thought it all through." But honestly, the questions do need to be asked. We do need to be asked about our sanity. It's part of what families do for each other. It's showing care, concern and love.

Just would be nice if the papers would tell some nice stories about people moving countries instead of all the sensational ones. Maybe there would be a better balance. And maybe our families would understand a bit more.

Pitt,

I wasn't suggesting that your future husband was using you. You do seem to have your head on your shoulders. I was just responding to what Jim wrote about its (yes, possessive "its" is correct here) being laughable that someone would use an American to live and work in the States. Anyway, you're very lucky to have seen him as frequently as you have. I don't know how much time you spend together during any given visit, but at least you probably haven't romanticized things, which is easy to do if you're away from each other for prolonged periods.

Lisa made a good point about relatives' concern about a future spouse's motives--it really is just because they love you and don't want you to get hurt. In my case, my family thought I was crazy to just go to England (on what they thought was a whim) to meet someone whom I'd previously talked to only on the net or phone. One of my brothers went so far as to tell my mom I'd probably end up dead in a ditch ("What do we know about this guy?" and all that). Now he's much loved by the entire family. Just goes to show.

Best of luck to you!

Suzanne

I have not read through all your replies- I am assuming he is here in UK & you are in US. I had the same thing 3-4 years ago & then made the really big decision to move to UK to be with boyfriend - now husband. If you both plan to be together eventually & YOU are the one moving to UK. Then enjoy your family, friends & lifestyle, because once you are over here it will change to being homesickf or your family, friends etc....

The one thing I can say for sure is life is alot easier when you marry the boy next door & everything you care about & love is within 60 miles.

Lori,

Andrew and I have both joked (partially) about that. "Why couldn't you be British?" "Why couldn't you be American?"

S

I was away for vacation (cruise to Mexico!) and just returned. These past 4.5 weeks have been torture, but I have only one week more to go. I spent 5 days without being able to communicate with my brit boyfriend and it wasn't easy, but being on vacation made it a bit easier than I thought.

I can say there are highs and lows. Since I work for the Gov't, I am quite lucky to spend about 75% of the time of his visits actually with him. This next one he'll be here for 8 days and I work only 2 of those days. It is easy to romanticize situations, but I have been grounded by my family and friends. My family cannot comprehend how I fell in love so quickly and how much I feel for him. That will take time. Until then, my friends support me the most and my gut tells me I am doing the right thing, without a doubt.

Looks like plans are underway...almost have my application ready for grad school in Leeds! That will ease the pain of our distance in only 8mts if all goes well

PS: We joked about our parents raising us in the wrong countries too - we blame them!

My best advice since I went through exactly what you are going through is to hold fast to your hope. Your "means to an end". That was what kept us going. We talked every day for at a minimum of an hour. It was never "too hard" for us. If its meant to be and your love is true, it will be enough. You have survived this long so I see your love as true and complete.
Yes it feels like some days your sinking in a black hole, im not gonna lie, but then there are other days which give you just enough incentive to be hopeful and a bit less sad. Other days are wonderful and you get to talk for hours. The point is the days vary. No you are not the first and I doubt very much, the last to experience depression with a LDR. If you are anything like me, spring is right about to happen and that always cheers me up a bit. It means its the season that I will move over, the time that we always have been thinking and dreaming and hoping about, I think the sunlight  helps too

trasatlantic dateing and depression have been horrible for me and my bloke....
when you love someone you take turns cheering one another up and being the stronger partner to make it through.
and of course remembering that you are a reflection of one another so if you allow yourself to get too down you allow him to get down as well.
little silly presents and signs from one another that there is a light at the end of the tunnel help.
crying down the phone to a british man never helps.
at least that's what i've found.
or very very rarely.
my fiance and i broke up multiple times trying to sort out where and how we would live and a lot of it had to do with the stress and loneliness of being apart.
looking back i regret everyday i wasn't strong for him and us.

anyhoo -
goodluck

well I didnt really know where to post this because its about depression but at the same time, my depression will not just pass - however it seemed the simplest option. lol.  anyways.
I've been back from the UK for two weeks, almost three and my depression hasnt 'passed' but only has become worse.  it has gotten so bad that I have picked three fights with my brit bf, saying "you dont care" "you dont talk to me" and so on and so forth - all of which is not true.  My bf is a quiet guy and I know this, but when I am depressed, I say some stupid stuff.  But, when I got home at first, I talked to him yet I cried, because I missed him...  the 2nd week, it got to the point that I was arguing with him and telling him that we needed to not talk because I couldn't talk to him w/o crying, yet if I didnt talk to him it hurt just as worse.  It seems that there is no solution. It got to the point that this past Sunday I told him that if he didnt talk to me and if he didnt make decisions that it was over because I was sick of it  :\\\'(- again, I totally confused him because I was talking crap  - poor guy, I'm surprised he puts up with it.  So I saw a psychiatrist Wednesday morning (a little background info here - i've been in out and of seeing Psych's for 5 years now and have been on several meds, but stopped taking the Prozac the last psych gave me because it wasnt working right before I left for England) ...and I was diagnosed as having major depression - however, the Psych I saw today told me that I am a rapid-cycler (a form of Bipolar Disorder) and says that I am more on the depressive side than the mania side, as I rarely have manias.  And it all made sense.  He put me on Lamictal - a mood stabilizer which is used to treat patients with seizures and those with Bipolar Disorder.. however the Psych didnt tell me I had it specifically.  So in two weeks when I see him again, I will ask him what his diagnoses is - today, I was just happy to get help and for someone to FINALLY understand.  But my mother was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder about 4 years ago, so I am at higher risk to have it myself.  I guess there really is no point to this post, but I guess I really wanted to say that depression is normal, but at the rate I was going, I could have totally wrecked our relationship, all because I'd seen Psychs in the past who thought one thing and changed their minds, and gave me meds that weren't working - and really, its a trial and error thing with meds, but...hopefully it will all get figurd out and I will be stable - and able to maintain the relationship I have with a guy who REALLY loves me.

I have not read through all your replies- I am assuming he is here in UK & you are in US. I had the same thing 3-4 years ago & then made the really big decision to move to UK to be with boyfriend - now husband. If you both plan to be together eventually & YOU are the one moving to UK. Then enjoy your family, friends & lifestyle, because once you are over here it will change to being homesickf or your family, friends etc....

The one thing I can say for sure is life is alot easier when you marry the boy next door & everything you care about & love is within 60 miles.

AMEN Lori!! 

I always vainly thought that having a high IQ should make me capable of thinking my way out of depression--it doesn't work that way. I finally acknowledged that no matter how smart I am, I couldn't "out-think" a chemical imbalance in my brain.

me too!  I am on 150 mg/day of Zoloft for PTSD, GAD, ETC.  I waited almost 10 years thinking that I could just work through it myself.  I nearly ruined my life.  I finally broke down and asked for help.

I still have down days and if I don't take my medicine I can really tell.  I don't know if I will always be on Zoloft, but I really don't mind.  It is one of many tools in my chest to help me live the happy, productive, fulfilling life that I never let myself have before.

Hang in there, girlies! 

I'm experiencing the same type of situation right now....so trust me, there are plenty of people who have been there, I guess!  I met my brit boyfriend three years ago when he came over to the states.  Every year he comes over for two weeks to go skydiving where I go skydiving in Florida, and we didn't become a thing until this past march 2005.   From the first second we saw eachother when he got into the states we knew it was it.  Neither of us date much and we're very picky, but we both decided to endure the LDR because we think this so perfect that it's a once in a lifetime shot to get two people this perfect for each other together.  (it's very spooky how perfect together we are!) 

After he spent his two weeks here, he went back home to the UK and all we did was talk.  Every waking second we were texting/Im'ing/Emailing/talking on the cell.  Both of us would rush home from our daily lives (work and university) just to sit on our PC's and voicechat with eachother until it was really late in the UK and he had to go to bed. (like 5 hours a day!!....we don't have lives anymore!)  Basically we're dead to the world because all we do is come home and talk with ea. other after we're done work or school.  But talking a lot makes the pain of being away a little better.....  but MAN, is it hard!!  The first time we were away from eachother was the hardest....  I didn't think I could bear it.  Then he suprise vistited me five weeks after he first left the states, and then four weeks later here I am in the UK for the entire summer until I have to return for college in the fall.  This is the first man I've ever said 'I love you' to and emotionally one of the most difficult things I've ever been through.... loving somebody so much and not having them there to hug, kiss, and hold.  Talking about the future between us also makes it a little bit more bearable.  I guess when you know in your heart of hearts that two people were perfectly made for eachother, no matter what hardships you have to go through to get there you'll get there eventually.  I have to finish up my degree back in the states and he have a very very very distinguished job here in the UK that I won't ask him to give up.....  so, LDR, here I come for the next 2 years until graduation!   :\\\'(