Depression - is it real and does it pass?

My brit boyfriend and I have only been dating for 2 months and we have had a few visits between the two countries, however, we can't keep that up for the next 9 months and keep our jobs!

Any suggestion for how to keep from getting so depressed while not together? We talk all the time over im, texting and on the phone and videophone. Lately, it just feels all too real how down I am while he's so far away. Everyone keeps saying to cheer up and that 3-5 weeks isn't that bad, but it is!

I almost forgot to add that he has a "surprise" setup for me and had been teasing me about it all weekend. I thought he was surprising me with a visit and he hasn't. Just makes it that much harder.

Thanks in advance.

oh boy, have i been there!

we were apart for almost 2 years.  we saw each other every 4-6 weeks.  It was usually every 4 weeks, only once did we go 6 and it was HELL.  Terrible.

I'd like to tell you it gets easier, but i think you get used to the pain.  But the distance never got easier.  We did small things, sent each other things, emailed and called all the time.  I cried all the time.  i got so sad at one point i went on medication because i was SO depressed. 

And oh my, i was so convinced mine would just show up and suprise me.  Well, he didn't until he suprised me and proposed in my office.  that was sweet and shocking. 

Being in a LDR cross atlantic is hard.  It takes patience (which i don't always have) and also love.  For 2 people to begin a LDR both have to be comitted, no half way here.  And if you both are there, you WILL get through this.

I never not trusted my hubs for a second.  I never wanted to break it off because it was too hard.  We always talked about the future, as that was our 'end' to all the pain.

And i'm happy to say that it really does end once you're together.  it's an adjustment, no mistakes there.  but the pain is away and all i feel is normalness and happiness!

MANY of us know what you're going through-you're not alone.

Not only is the depression real and very valid, but it changes, from manageable to unmanageable but the thing I think is important to remember, this is also a very valuable learning curve for a relationship - this kind of enforced separation will make you both stronger in ways that you cannot begin to fathom at this point in time and at the end of it you know there is a real prize.

There are many positive things to focus on these days that were very difficult when I was in this kind of situation for example, in '96, the nature of the internet has grown so much and is used so widely, e-mails, photo's and instant conversations when you can match the time difference and "he" pops up online! Text messaging, but best of all, much cheaper flights and certainly for Brits, more vacation times to make the trip (and you WILL believe me, I have been to NYC and back for one day!) and I know I am not the only one. MY telephone bills were sometimes the cost of plane tickets!

The most important thing to remember is to keep communicating, don't have any unrealistic expectations  and keep talking, keep sharing, keep discussing, remain as 'open" as possible and remember that things can be very different in person to e-mail/text etc without it being intended that way.

Make LOTS of plans, keep dreaming and spend your time doing practical things for when you can be together one day, learn about the Immigration process, where you might work and live one day, so that you have a goal and as much of a cliche as I know it is, try hard to focus on the positives, instead of looking at it like your love is so far away, how about looking at like, aren't you lucky to have someone from another country who can offer you a different kind of relationship and without going into tooooo much detail, this is the kind of thing that keeps a relationship hot! Without putting too fine a point on it, absence makes more than ones heart grow fonder

I don't want this to detract from a depression that is real, so if you feel the sadness is spilling out into something unbearable that begins to affect your life, then do see someone professional and surround yourself with good friends who will support you during those times.

Good Luck to you both, such a new fresh relationship- it's the best place to be in girl!

Hugs
Sheril
~x~

Thank you both so much. Sometimes all I need to know is that what I am feeling is valid and that I'm not being unreasonable. I appreciate both of your posts and will take all of it to heart. We are both very committed and look only forward. I will continue learning as much as possible. I really hope medication isn't necessary, but after today, i felt it might be!

Thanks again!   

Andrea

Andrea,

I hope you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone, and that your feelings of sadness or depression are natural under the circumstances. Distance is so hard, somedays harder than others, and I think over the holidays it's just naturally harder  not being with the one you love. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night wondering just what I have gotten myself into. But the heart doesn't lie, so your feelings can't be wrong. I believe all things happen for a reason, and although it may be hard now I know someday I will be with him, as you will be with your love. Best of luck to you, and keep looking for support here, with friends, and professionally if need be.

 

I well understand the feeling of 'want it NOW!', but as has been expressed so well by others, this time is unique...so different from other relationships that it teaches us a lot. It makes us more appreciative of what we have, makes us savor the time together...and when you've passed that hurdle and have been together a while, you take your disagreements less seriously/try harder to make it work.

It also teaches you independance. This is especially important when you come over here and realize that there are things you just have to close your eyes and jump straight in to. If you've not had to do things on your own, you might not be prepared for that.

Perhaps you can think of it this way: If someone told you that you would have the very best of <whatever>, the only thing you had to do was wait for it just a little bit longer than usual, wouldn't you choose the wait over the 'settling for just the standard'?

I think for anyone who has ever been in your situation, me included, the wait is soon forgotten, the time together is all that much more appreciated, and the relationship means so so so much more.

i must say that everyone has some great valid ideas on this thread....i read all of them and said 'it's so true'

and i was very anti medication.  it got to the point where i *needed* it.  I was becoming totally unstable.

I had to shift my focus on being unable to be physically together to being able to talk to him every day on the phone to get through our seperation.  It is really hard but it is worth it.  We still value our time together since we had so much apart and it has been 4 years.

I can see the possibility of medication if it was longer than 8-9months until we are together in the same country. Thankfully, I think I can handle that with the help of today's technology, of course. I would never trade him in for anyone else to have it "now". I am a bit impatient having been single for 4 yrs and then finding him, seems a bit ironic that I found the "one" and then have to wait for it all to happen. We talked about it and he agrees this board is invaluable and talking about the future is keeping me going.

Thank you so much everyone!

Think on the "thankful" side... when you can... you have a man who loves you AND can instantly communicate with you... HOW cool is THAT? In the good ole days, you'd have to wait a few weeks for a letter to arrive. 
PitterPat

what kind of jobs do you both have  to be able to afford  such frequent trips?  you are very lucky..

 the shortest time  we  were  apart was 2.5 months and the longest was  about 7  monoths.  felt like forever.. but yes.. along with what everyone  else  wrote..  the  daily im ing and  phone calls  and gift giving..even  audio tapes..where  you can hear the daily 'grind' of life.. plus their laugh..    good old fashioned cards.. especially for holidays that are important  to you in the states  that may not be for him.. 

I agree that it helped me grow as a person as well.  there was  huge comfort in knowing I had  my guy and  I felt super confident about our relationship.. i was able  to be social and  be with my freinds  and just be  'me'..  there was a great  'growing up'  time  where i  was able  to  prioritze and  think what was important..  I may have missed a lot saving for our big day  to be together ..but I know  I gained  a lot too..

surround yourself with positive people.. there are a  lot of naysayers  out there...even in your  'circle'  and yes.. you are lucky to find this site   .. we  'get it'...     (((hugs)))

With his job in Leeds - he gets 5 weeks vacation

I work for the federal government as a contract specialist - so I get 13 vacation and 13 sick days, plus I get an alternative work schedule where I work 9hr days and get 1 day off every other week. I am allowed to shift that extra day around within the two week period - so I can make a 4 day weekend w/o taking any time off! It's the only way it works. I am also blessed with a supervisor that doesn't question how or why we use our leave, including sick time, so I have been known to use that to "take care of my mom" from time to time. I make sure I have enough for when I am really sick saved up and only do that on the rare occasion.

I do have naysayers - mostly family members unfortunately. Particularly my mom and oldest sister. My mom thinks he just wants a green card here (so far from the truth considering I might stay there after going to grad school there) and my sister thinks he's going to just break my heart.  All looking after my best interest, but not trusting my instincts. Quite frustrating, but I have friends all over that are supportive.

I don't know how you did it so many months apart - I give you kudos! I am grateful now more than ever for the technology. I am going on a 5-day cruise over the new year and can't contact him so I plan on writing a journal just for him as if we were talking everyday. I know that will make me appreciate what we have now too.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!

Thanks again,

Andrea

(Back ground:  we met while I was living in Scotland, only seperated for my visits home (some longer than others).  We got engaged, then my work visa expired, and now we are doing the ldr thing until he moves here in the spring)

We manage time apart by NOT talking too much.  No dailiy emails, no daily or weekly IM chats...I don't want to know every detail of someone's day when I am not there to share some of them, and thankfully, my DF is the same way.

We have found that I'll write an email, he will respond in a week or there abouts, and in another week or so, I will write again.  Emails are less frequent, but more meaningful that way.  Phone calls are "rare" though have become more frequent now that we are planning our wedding.

On occasion, one of us will surprise the other with some little "thing" in the post, but not often.  If he wrote, IMed and called all the time, I think I would be sick of him.  It's a great way for us to have independance in the relationship.

It helps that we are 30 and 43, so not exactly teenagers in love, but it is the first marriage for both of us.  We are just looking at the long term--and while the short-term sucks at times, it is just that.  Short term.  Use the time to reflect on who you are, and what the relationship means to you...and if all else fails, take up a hobby to distract you.  You'll know he's the "one" when he loves some awful-looking scarf that you knitted for him at the senior center activty hour ;-)

My boyfriend and I only get to see each other every 2 months or so.  For 3 weeks out of each month, he works 7 days/week.  We still manage to keep in touch daily by video-IM, emailing, the occasional phone call, the occasional card in the mail, etc.  (Although emailing from work got squashed when we were both reprimanded for it --ouch-- as we work for the same company.)  But that was our own fault and we should have been more mature and responsible about "keeping in touch."  Anyway....

We stay positive by talking about the great times we have spent together and the next time we'll see each other, etc.  I definitely have my fits of sadness and despair when I'm missing him.  I call him Mr. Brightside because he always reminds me that we have "forever" waiting for us down the road.

One of the other members on the board has a great quote at the bottom of her posts:  "Absence is to love what wind is to fire.  It extinguishes the small, it inflames the great."

One day at a time.  Keep it positive.
   Jeannie

Andrea,

At the risk of answering a Venutian question in Martian (you know, Men Are from Mars...), can I just contribute that my wife and I managed a courtship largely by pen and paper in the 1970's.  Our transatlantic marriage is very solid after more than 26 years of two households and long separations.  I call it an episodic marriage.

I'm no expert on these things, but it seems to me that such a relationship suits people of an independent but loyal temperament.   This sort of relationship is only for the guy who is by nature a "one-woman man."  Hope that fits the description of your intended.  But of course you can't be expected to know after only two months.

My wife chimes in to say that the idea of a Brit having to marry in order to get a green card is laughable.

Jim