safely back in Florida (ramblings)

But, that's not a real relationship....its the easy way out of dealing with the truth, which is...for them to have a REAL life relationship, they'll need to get married.  If he isn't interested in that, then she needs to find someone else, because there is no way around it (unless she wants to go to uni there and have a lot of debt).

I think it's a bit harsh to say a long-distance relationship isn't a REAL relationship.  I agree that of course it can't persist indefinitely and there needs to be a plan (tentative though it may be) to get together in the future, but nothing's wrong with saying, "hey, let's just keep dating long distance and see if marriage is something we want to do." Isn't that the situation of most of the people on this forum who had no other immigration options except marriage?

I think it's a bit harsh to say a long-distance relationship isn't a REAL relationship. 

Not to get in the middle of your guys convo...but i'd have to agree with amarylis on that one. My relationship along with many others started out as long distance relationships and they are real as ever. You still have the same issues, needs, wants and everything else that goes along with having a relationship...just not together 100% of the time.

But I think I also get what she's saying...it can't be a long distance relationship for forever. It would never work...

[Global Mod hat on]

OK, everybody.  Let's remember that we're talking to a real person here. 

Up4tea.  When you're posting on a public forum you're going to get all sorts of opinions and advise whether you want it or not.  Maybe think about starting a blog on Livejournal or something similar if you're just looking for somewhere to 'think out loud'

Happy Easter Everybody.  There aren't many moderators around so try to keep everything friendly and supportive.  Thanks.

I think the thing is it seems like a step backwards rather than forwards....from living together, to a long distance relationship.  It doesn't seem conducive to marriage.  Of course long distance relationships and internet relationships are real-the thing is, they take a great deal more work and commitment from the parties involved than do a local relationship, and it seems like commitment and work is what your man is trying to avoid.  In reading this whole thing, that was my first thought-it's hard to hack it as a regular relationship, having a long distance one is not going to be easy by any stretch of the imagination.  I really think you would be better off re-evaluating where this relationship stands and whether you really, honestly, and truly believe your man has what it takes to commit to the work and sometimes frustration and heartache involved in being part of a long distance relationship.

I think that some people know right away that they want to get married, and some people really need more time to make sure that they are ready and compatible.  Some people date for years before marriage is even discussed.  I don't know up4tea's boyfriend or her, but I can definately imagine how unbelievably stressful on the relationship and their emotions it must have been to have/be a sudden dependent (especially so soon after getting into the relationship). 

up4tea - I'm a huge fan of thinking out loud - if you ever want to do it more privately in the future feel free to PM me.

I think it's a bit harsh to say a long-distance relationship isn't a REAL relationship.  I agree that of course it can't persist indefinitely and there needs to be a plan (tentative though it may be) to get together in the future, but nothing's wrong with saying, "hey, let's just keep dating long distance and see if marriage is something we want to do." Isn't that the situation of most of the people on this forum who had no other immigration options except marriage?

I never said a long distance relationship isn't a real relationship (I quoted the incorrect post).  What I'm saying is, in her case, saying you will still date someone who is 3,000 miles away and doesn't really know if they want to be with you is NOT a real relationship.  Long distance relationships (and I am in one until May and have been for three years, so I know!) take COMMITTMENT, which this guy doesn't seem to want to give her.  That's why I'm saying for her, to continue dating someone who wants to be on a break and doesn't want to marry her (and she doesn't make it seem like he EVER wants to marry) is just prolonging the inevitable.
Plus, look at what happened when she was with him....he wanted her to go home early because she was "crying" all the time.  What kind of boyfriend is that!?!?!?!
Also, my husband and I dated for almost three years before we married, because he was not ready for marriage.  But, he KNEW we would need to get married for us to be together and he wanted us to marry, just not right away.  Knowing that, and the fact that he was dedicated to our relationship, is the reason why we stayed together.  If you are in a long distance relationship with someone who does not know if they would every marry you and there is no other way (financially, etc..) for you to move to be with them, what is the point of staying together???

I never said a long distance relationship isn't a real relationship (I quoted the incorrect post).  What I'm saying is, in her case, saying you will still date someone who is 3,000 miles away and doesn't really know if they want to be with you is NOT a real relationship.  Long distance relationships (and I am in one until May and have been for three years, so I know!) take COMMITTMENT, which this guy doesn't seem to want to give her.  That's why I'm saying for her, to continue dating someone who wants to be on a break and doesn't want to marry her (and she doesn't make it seem like he EVER wants to marry) is just prolonging the inevitable.
Plus, look at what happened when she was with him....he wanted her to go home early because she was "crying" all the time.  What kind of boyfriend is that!?!?!?!
Also, my husband and I dated for almost three years before we married, because he was not ready for marriage.  But, he KNEW we would need to get married for us to be together and he wanted us to marry, just not right away.  Knowing that, and the fact that he was dedicated to our relationship, is the reason why we stayed together.  If you are in a long distance relationship with someone who does not know if they would every marry you and there is no other way (financially, etc..) for you to move to be with them, what is the point of staying together???

I completely agree with you, but all of that didn't come across in your initial post so thanks for clarifying   And I wasn't commenting on up4tea's situation specifically, just on the idea of LDR's in general.

Sorry, sometimes I have to tendancy to think other people know what's going on in my brain, when in reality they don't!

I am just going to stay out of the debate I've sparked about what comprises a REAL long distance relationship and get to the next phase of this story...

he did call me this afternoon, and I did make the mistake of asking him how he is feeling about things
he said he knew it would hurt my feelings but that altho he misses me, he's relieved to have his house back to himself!  He said he was glad to feel that the pressure of a live in relationship was off him
etc

(we talked about many aspects of our, and all, relats. in general...)

To cut a long story short, I ended up telling him that having phone contact with him isn't going to work for me right now.  I also told him that I didn't really want to keep getting emails from him if the only reason for them was "to keep in touch".

It is going to be AMAZINGLY difficult for me to not contact him.
But right now I need to get this stupid pent up sobbing crying b-s out of my system and get on with life one way or the other

oddly enough, the psychic neighbor I mentioned earlier showed up soon after we all got home (was out w/housemates) and said she knew I'd had a bad day and also told me to cut off all contact for now, but that he would still be coming to the States to see me, and that I would have a final answer by September (and "get my wish")

however, what I'll be wishing for at that time is another question!

I really hope that you get what you are looking for, which is exactly how your life should be   Good luck

Aw hon, sounds like it was a difficult but probably necessary day.  For what it's worth, I think you're doing the right thing by giving yourself a little space to work things out in your own mind.  I hope that you get what you're looking for as well...give yourself some time to figure it out, though....you don't have to know right now.  Hang in there...

Wow!  That was incredibly brave of you.  I'm so sorry for your pain, but as others have said this is probably for the best.  Good luck, and thinking out loud can always be amazingly helpful for sorting through everything you feel and think, as you know.  My thoughts are with you.

I'm sure you're worth more than this ...

totally, worth more than this!!

ever hear of that book... He's Just Not That Into You ?? after the famed Sex and the City episode where Miranda is enlightened about men's thoughts and actions.

anyhow, someone gave it to a friend, she gave it to me, I passed it to my sis and then to a friend and hopefully it is on to some other woman who deserves to know she is worth being loved and shouldn't waste time from meeting that special person because they are hung up on someone who is not appreciating every once of her.

it is a cheesy self help book, but an amusing insight on men and hopefully will empower you to feel like the desirable woman you are!

find a copy! I met another woman who bought this book and got out of a relationship she was stuck in because she knew that guy would never come to fully appreciate her.

I do hope you find each other again or find the courage to take care of yourself first. You are an awesome woman and every man should recognize that.

Lots of happiness to you.

I never said a long distance relationship isn't a real relationship (I quoted the incorrect post).  What I'm saying is, in her case, saying you will still date someone who is 3,000 miles away and doesn't really know if they want to be with you is NOT a real relationship.  Long distance relationships (and I am in one until May and have been for three years, so I know!) take COMMITTMENT, which this guy doesn't seem to want to give her.  That's why I'm saying for her, to continue dating someone who wants to be on a break and doesn't want to marry her (and she doesn't make it seem like he EVER wants to marry) is just prolonging the inevitable.
Plus, look at what happened when she was with him....he wanted her to go home early because she was "crying" all the time.  What kind of boyfriend is that!?!?!?!
Also, my husband and I dated for almost three years before we married, because he was not ready for marriage.  But, he KNEW we would need to get married for us to be together and he wanted us to marry, just not right away.  Knowing that, and the fact that he was dedicated to our relationship, is the reason why we stayed together.  If you are in a long distance relationship with someone who does not know if they would every marry you and there is no other way (financially, etc..) for you to move to be with them, what is the point of staying together???

I 100% agree with you...I knew there was an underlying meaning to what you were saying! lol

That's very brave of you, up4tea.  Just take it day by day.  My ex before I met my husband kept doing that - texting and phoning and emailing.  Just to 'see how you're doing'.  I had to cease contact b/c that was what was best for me.

Hope it starts getting better for you soon.