HEEEELLPP!!! (Child Custody)

heys Alz,
I think your agreement is great in so many ways........something to think about, and I hate to be bearer of bad tidings, but, no matter where your son is, the summer visitation might be an issue for you won't it?
Only reason I ask is because, even though you usually get 2nd week June until 1st week September off in USA for summer break, they only give you until 2nd week July till 1st week September off in UK for summer respite.......
Will that conflict with your schedule, or have you taken that into account?
GAWD I hate to put any sort of possible damper on an already hideous n drawn out process, but you might run into problems in the future, if that's the case, where the UK summer break is concerned anyhow
Great, however, to see that he is finally budging and actually considering this.
Many good vibes and prayers sent your way.
Hugs,
Abby

Yeah, I know that the scheduling might be a bit off, but I think as long as he has him the entire summer vacation...he won’t mind too much. Even though he's a bit off, he knows that I don't have any control over the school schedule. Or maybe he thinks I do, hahaha 

The thing that makes me the happiest about the schedule is when I explained it to Elijah and asked him how he'd feel if it happened he said "i think it sounds very fair". It kind of threw me off that he would be able to comprehend what i was explaining, I don't ever really talk to him about moving to England (unlike his father).

I have already decided that I'm going to move even if Nelson says no, but if he’s willing to try to come to some sort of agreement regarding the move...that will make it easier for me. But if he's difficult…based on the court decision I'll still have Elijah for all of the holidays and his dad will have to pay for half of the travel. I think what I came up with is much better. Hopefully he’ll be able to see that.

I want to caution you, Are you sure you want to make custody automatic at 12? I mean you have no idea where the kid's head will be at that time. His father doesn't have a relationship with him now, suddenly being with him at 12 will not make it happen. Your son will have friends and school and all sorts of things going on by then and to send him back to a virtual stranger is not very happy.

I am in the same boat as you in a way and I refused to agree to anything in the future like that because you never know what will happen.

I do have full custody and will be, moving in June. I am in Oregon and we are quite progressive on these issues. The only way my X could have stopped me was to file and win custody for himself. I was told that this would be true even if we had joint custody. And he would have to prove I was an unfit mother.
In the end he was a turd about the whole thing bt when he relized he wouldn;t win he played hard ball with me on a new parenting plan. In the end he got:
5 weeks in summer
every Easter holiday
half of Christmas one year, all of it the next year.
Each of these holidays requires that he return to the UK 3 days before
the start of school.
and up to 2 half terms if he wants to visit in the UK.
we split transport costs, my son is to have his own phone, and we have to have a computer with instant messaging and camera.
My son is 12.
I wouldn't agree to anything dealing with future circumstances,m except that we would retuen to the present plan if my X moved to the UK.(fat chance!)

It was a long hard slog, and the X has control issues, but in the end I (we) get to move, I get to marry my Beloved, and start a new life out of the wreck and ashes of the one my X left me with.

I wish all the luck in the world, and do hope you don;t throw the baby out with the bathwater.
My lawyer told me once that the state wouldn't punish me for having a child with this man.  Be careful, maybe California wouldn't either...

Danielle, you have to consider your son's educational situation as well.  If he's here in the UK first, then he'll probably have taken the 11+ exams and possibly qualified for a grammar school place (as my youngest just has!) - and then you'd be sending him off to the US to finish his education.  Blech.

If he's there first and he doesn't move here until he's 12, he'll have missed the 11+ exams and it's quite possible he won't have had the background with a US education to get into a grammar school on his own merit.  (Which is what happened to my very bright "gifted US classes" older son.)

It's my very humble opinion that you have to decide where he's going to live and stick with it.  Personally, from everything you've told us, I think it's in your son's best interest to move with you to the UK.  His father has proven himself to be unreliable at best - whereas here in the UK he'll have stability.

I really feel for you on this.  You know that.  I wish I could hop a plane to California and have a little "talk" with your ex...    

As an aside,
My lawyer mentioned the other day that I may want to consider apping to have jusidiction changed fron Oregon to England when I move over. I don't think I will because they almost always order joint custody in England (not sure about Scotland)  and I don't want to risk losing my sole custody.
But in you case, because you already have joint it might be a good idea to look into when you get there. It would mean that child support is determined by the Scottish rules that take into account cost of living. It might also mean that when your son is 12 and the deadline is looming they courts would take into consideration the child's wishes.  I bet he would vote to remain with you instead of changing countries, friends and schools for a virtual stranger who already has a family that doesn't include him.
There might be other considerations too. Look into in, it might be a good thing for you in this circumstance...
Or for anyone here for that matter, I know we are not the only one's with X problems...

Danielle, you have to consider your son's educational situation as well.  If he's here in the UK first, then he'll probably have taken the 11+ exams and possibly qualified for a grammar school place (as my youngest just has!) - and then you'd be sending him off to the US to finish his education.  Blech.

If he's there first and he doesn't move here until he's 12, he'll have missed the 11+ exams and it's quite possible he won't have had the background with a US education to get into a grammar school on his own merit.  (Which is what happened to my very bright "gifted US classes" older son.)

Just to clarify the situation (and congratulations to your bright sons!), only a very few areas of the UK, Kent being the largest, still operate an  11+ system, although I agree that changing schools and countries at age 12 could be very traumatic either way.

Just to clarify the situation (and congratulations to your bright sons!), only a very few areas of the UK, Kent being the largest, still operate an 11+ system, although I agree that changing schools and countries at age 12 could be very traumatic either way.

I should have specified - I know we're in a "special" area, Medway being even different from the rest of Kent!

Thanks Ladies for all of the feed back and thank you for your concern. But unfortunately, this is as good as a spot that I can be in. My future lies in the hands of Elijah's evil father. The courts have already told me that I cannot relocate without his permission. Even if I take him to court over and over again, until the law changes (or Nelson becomes a drug addict) the outcome is going to be the same. California really frowns upon relocating young children, especially since Nelson and I have always had joint custody.

I know that 5 years is a long time and Elijah may not want to move to the UK, but we'll have to cross that bridge when we get to it.  As of right now, I feel that this is the best arrangement. I get to move to Elijah and eventually have Elijah join me, Elijah gets to spend more time forming a bond with his brothers, and Nelson gets to feel like it was all his idea. Everyone wins. But as I said…nothing is definite. Nelson is still thinking about it.


Thanks again,

ALZ