HEEEELLPP!!! (Child Custody)

I have such little regard for the legal system lately...hoping to get the "right" judge is so similar to hoping to get the "right" immigration officer!

As a mom, and one who "stopped" my own life TWICE (when my first three were little, then with the twins) in order to be a stay at home mom, I am an advocate for small children being with their moms until they are in high school and can make a more informed choice. This does not mean that ALL moms are the better full-time caregivers based on their gender...or that ALL dads would do a crappy job...it is just been my observation all these years (some as a middle school teacher, where you see some horrible family situations) that most moms go out of their way to make sure their kid's welfare comes first. There are always exceptions to the rule; sounds like your situation is not one of them!

Hopefully the judge will see that. I am in the same boat, sort of. My ex has threatened court, but then backs down as he has no money AND no real desire to be a full time parent...which is apparent since he won't work full time, doesn't pay child support most of the time, and is too busy with his social life to see his children on a regular basis. (He saw them for five short visits last year, an hour or so each time, which I initiated.) Even with those factors I would have to be worried about going before a judge because there has been such a big push for "father's rights" lately. I have told my ex that the twins deserve to be in a stable (emotional and financial) relationship...and SO DO I! He says I am being cold by taking his children away from him. I say, "You don't see them anyway." He replies, "Well, but you're taking away my opportunity to do so when you take them away." Hopefully that will sound just as stupid to a judge, based on evidence, as it does to me! But, I am 99% sure he won't go to court...he just has so little control over himself that he likes to sound like he has control over me. Believe me, he is all talk no action!

So, in some ways your ex sounds as "selfish" as mine. I think a lot of it could be he just doesn't want you to be happy and move on, and he is using your child as a means of control. Good luck. I wish for you a speedy resolution. I know how horrible it can be to be caught in a legal matter that drags on and on while you put your life on hold.

Will your ex agree to extended visits? Like having your son stay with him for the whole summer etc?

The visitation plan that I offered was for Elijah to be with his dad every sping break, every summer and every other christmas and he said no...he wants to keep Elijah full time and have him visit me every summer and every other Christmas.

Danielle,

I am very sorry to hear about your situation.  I will not pretend to know how you must be feeling at this very moment, however, I know my mother did when I was 10.  I think this may cheer you up a bit.    When I was 10 my mother decided she wanted to move to South Africa with her new boyfriend at the time.  My birth father was determined it would never happened.  And much like your situation my birth father was not the most desirable ex husband or dad one could hope for.  After a few months of court dates, and many hours of late night screaming on the phone by both mom and dad, the court found that my mom had the right to leave the country with me.  The court ruled that until my Father maintained regular child support, as ordered by a previous court arrangement, and began to support his child "emotionally" he had not right to stop the move.  Six months later we moved to South Africa!  Of course mom and the new boyfriend broke up and we returned to the US, but the point is we got to go.   

Hang in there,
Aubrey

Uuummm, OK! 

No, I'm just kidding. That was a great story to wake up to.  It lifted my spirits.

I'm hoping that since he was too cheap to get a lawyer, has a brand new baby, and supposively only makes $18000 a year. Once he sees that this evaluation is going to cost thousands of dollars. He'll just back down. But on the other hand, I know how bullheaded and vindictive he is and he's rather have his family starve just to prove a point. What an ass!  (can I say that on here?  )

As always ladies. Thanks for the support.

xoxo
alz

p.s. On a brighter note, Al is coming for my birthday in less than 3 weeks  So, I'll have something to take my mind of court for awhile.

Hello All,

 For all of you who left your children in the the US, what are some of the visition schedules that you have arranged with the other parent?

 I just keeping my options open, but I don't know what the courts will consider to be realistic.

thanks,
alz

Have you heard anything concrete as to whether or not they will be able to move with you?

No...we have to get this called a "child custody evaluation". It's cost about $2200 and you have put $1000 to get it started. I just paid them yesterday (even thougth we're suppose to split the cost 60/40. i had to pay because who knows when he'll have the money), so i won't be contacted until about early october. The evaluator will write a recommendation and they judge will make a ruling. We don't have court again until Feb 7. It's sucks because everything is running so close together. Al and I were hoping to get married in March so I could relocate by July  I'm goin' crazy!!!

So sorry you're having to go through with this. You're lucky that you were able to come up with the money to get it started. We'll be thinking of you over the next few months. Try to stay positive!

Good Evening and Good Morning to the UK! Well, we FINALLY got our evaluation date it will be at the end of this month. I'm a little nervous. Especially since we have to meet together and it's really hard for me to control my temper around Nelson.

Anyway, I have to go with an idea for a visitation schedule, so I came to you beautiful bright ladies to pick your brains. So far this is what I have:

-every easter
-every summer
-every other xmas
-pay for 100% travel
-after i get a steady income 1 week of every winter *so instead of 2x a year it will be 3x a year
-we both pay for child care when Elijah is with us
-i will purchase web cams for both of them
-send copies of all report cards and medical records
-i will initiate/pay for phone calls 3-4 times a week

I think this is way more than he deserves, but at least it will show that im not trying to harm their relationship, right?

Also, a side note about 2 weeks ago Nelson left Elijah at school and did not tell me he was not picking him up. This is the second time he's done this. Even after the school called me, my mother left him a message asking why he left Elijah and he never called back and has not apologized or said anything to me about it since. So, i had the director of the after school program write a letter stating that Elijah was left and Nelson did not call. Hopefully, that will help show how irresponsible he is.

Quick Update:

Hey ladies (and any gentlemen)!!! I just wanted to let you know the status of the custody BATTLE. Well, we had our evaluation, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. We actually had to meet with her separately at her office, and then she came and did an "in-home" at each of our houses with Elijah. After my in-home evaluation I was a little discouraged because the evaluator was telling me how custody cases can take years, and I don't years!!! BUT THEN, after she talked to Nelson she called me the next day and said that based on my journal, that I've been keeping she, does not feel that Nelson has a relationship with Elijah. She also, said "I'm not saying this means the judge is going to rule in your favor, but this journal is very important information." She said that she could also tell that Elijah doesn't get a lot of attention because of the new born and 2 year old that Nelson has.

 So, this doesn't mean that I'm going to win but it definitely put a smile on my face.  I still haven't decided what to do if it all goes wrong, but I'll cross that bridge when it's time.

 Oh, and Elijah and I were suppose to go to England together this holiday and I notified Nelson in July. He said that we never had any such conversation and that Elijah needed to be with his brothers for Christmas. But then told the evaluator that he would not let Elijah go because he scared that I might kidnap him. He's so dumb and knows nothing about the Hague Convention. If I were a kidnapper I would have just done it and not spent $5000 on court cost or told him about it. But I'm still going to come to England and I'm looking forward to it.

Thanks for your ears(eyes).

-Alz

Well... glad to hear things seem to be going smoothly -well as can be expected.  You know we have our fingers crossed for you!  Have a safe trip here and back!

Have a very enjoyable trip and best of luck!

I have been searching for international custody sites...Where are they? Lawyer says daughter cant go with me(she will be 16 in July) cause our court system cant find any way of keeping a safety rope on her. They are more concerned about their territory right  to my child, then what is in her best interests.  Andrea

another update!!!

Nelson and I  talked AGAIN about the relocation. I presented him with some new ideas and he seems to be budging a bit. I typed up a whole new agreement:

Proposed Visitaion


•   I, Danielle Pilgrim will obtain sole physical custody of the minor Elijah Pilgrim-Duque (legal custody will remain 50/50).

•   Elijah Pilgrim-Duque will permanently relocate with Danielle Pilgrim to the UK before during the summer of 2006. Danielle Pilgrim will give Mr. Duque at least 30 days notice of the relocation.


•   If Mr. Duque is in the UK during his non scheduled visitation time, Mr. Duque will be allowed to visit with Elijah Pilgrim-Duque for a minimum of 3 days and a maximum of 5 days uninterrupted.

•   When in our care, Mr. Duque and Danielle Pilgrim will each be fully financially responsible for Elijah, including childcare expenses.


•   Neither Mr. Duque nor Danielle Pilgrim will be responsible for child support at any time.

•   Danielle Pilgrim will purchase web cams for both Elijah Pilgrim-Duque and Mr. Duque so that they will be able to communicate via the internet.


•   Danielle Pilgrim will initiate and pay for phone calls between Elijah Pilgrim-Duque in UK and Mr. Duque in Los Angeles, at least 3 times a week on average.

•   Danielle Pilgrim will provide Mr. Duque with school and health records on a regular basis, but no less than once every quarter upon request.


•   Danielle Pilgrim will supply Mr. Duque with new photos of Elijah Pilgrim-Duque on a regular and frequent basis, not less than four times per year.

•   Elijah Pilgrim-Duque will visit Mr. Duque every Easter break (1 week), ever summer break (about 10 weeks), and every Christmas (about 2-3 weeks).


•   Danielle Pilgrim will pay for 100% of the transportation cost for Elijah Pilgrim-Duque to travel from the UK to Los Angeles.

•   If Mr. Duque decides to relocate out of Los Angeles, different payment arrangements will be made depending on the location.


•   If any additional transportation fees occur due to Elijah Pilgrim-Duque missing any of his flights back to the UK, Mr. Duque will be 100% financially responsible and Elijah Pilgrim-Duque must be returned to the UK within one week.

•   If any additional transportation fees occur due to Elijah Pilgrim-Duque missing any of his flights back to Los Angeles, Danielle Pilgrim will be 100% financially responsible and Elijah must be returned to Los Angeles within one week.


•   At the age of 12, Elijah Pilgrim-Duque will permanently relocate to Los Angeles and sole physical custody will be switched to Mr. Duque (legal custody will remain 50/50).


•   If Danielle Pilgrim is in Los Angeles during one of Elijah’s scheduled visitation with Mr. Duque, Danielle Pilgrim will be allowed to visit with Elijah for a minimum of 3 days and a maximum of 5 days uninterrupted.

•   If/When Elijah Pilgrim-Duque relocates with Mr. Duque to Los Angeles the above mentioned custody schedule will be reversed.

He said it all seems to very even and fair.  The only thing he seems to have a problem with is me having Elijah until he's 12. He said he'd rather it be reversed because Elijah's brothers (his kids) are so young (9 months and 3). He thinks this is a more important time for their bond to form. I also think it's because he has to say the opposite of everything I say But honestly, I think it's a great idea. If Elijah stays here initially that'll give me sometime to get a job and settle. It will also give me and Al a few years to save up and buy a house. Nothing is definite, he said he'll get back to me and let me know. If he says yes, I'm going to have my lawyer type up the agreement, we'll sign it and then she'll file it with the courts. I hope this works out.

Keep me in your prayers ladies!

thanks,
Alz

Sounds like you have all the details in place. I am happy to see you are making progress and wish you the best of luck!!