The official UKY inlaw venting thread

My heart definitely goes out to you, too. Even if you won't understand it all, you get the idea of what is being said, and have clearly been through it enough to know the drill. I would hate to have to go through all of that. It would drive me insane. I'm glad I don't have to go through all that. I'd forget my manners.

As it is, I am struggling today with keeping my mouth shut. I have let a few deep sighs escape. Joey has been singing and happy, but not loud, since we arrived home from work. She keeps telling him he is noisy, calling him a noise box, and asking what all the noise is about. I felt so sorry for the little guy when he was right by her and sang out "I love you, gooooood moooorrrrnnnniiiiiing!" in his happy little sing song way, and she called him a noise box! Poor little guy was just telling his grandma he loved her, even if it wasn't morning. It is getting to where she is commenting on every little cheep and chirp, saying he is noisy. And still insisting on trying to get him to say 'cheeky boy', to the point of crooning it over and over while we are watching films.

I will miss her when she goes home  Saturday, but my poor little Joey shouldn't be shushed every five seconds when he is barely making noise, or singing to us because he is happy we are home.

:-( poor little guy! I'd be tempted to make a pointed remark to him, "oh my poor boy", something like that.

Also - she comments on the noises he makes but wants to get him to say something? Oy...!

:-( poor little guy! I'd be tempted to make a pointed remark to him, "oh my poor boy", something like that.

Also - she comments on the noises he makes but wants to get him to say something? Oy...!

I may have to try that. I did ask him earlier if he was a happy boy, when he was singing and she was saying something.

It strikes me as confusing too, the whole shut up and talk to me chaos.

By her next visit he will be a year older, and most likely more settled, since he is only 8 months old now.

Still. I am trying to focus on all the good from the visit, to keep myself from showing my frustration over this.

It strikes me as confusing too, the whole shut up and talk to me chaos.

It really sucks.  My MIL does the same crap with our dog.  It's one of the main reasons we'll never have kids-- I know she'd be the same with them, too!

Hubby gently, calmly made a couple comments, and the comments about him being noisy have really dropped in frequency in the past couple days. They still happen, but not as often.

On the other hand, with time to go drawing near, she's trying harder to teach him 'cheeky boy', and has reminded him a few times she expects him to know it by the time she gets back next year. For that to happen we'd have to keep working with him to remind him of it, and hubby has already said he doesn't want him to learn it.

Poor you, with yours doing it to your dog. I don't blame you for not wanting to have kids if she will do the same with them.

I couldn't begin to go into all the details...but my father in law wants us to buy a house with him despite the fact that we've never been able to all three coexist under the same roof for more than three days without an argument. Give it a week and we've had screaming matches that lead to us walking to the bus stop in the tiny village where we have to wait ages because it only comes every hour to take us into cambridge....

Last weekend we told him again that we can't live with him and it won't work and so he's said awful things about never wanting to see us again and that we're dead to him and as he's done on many previous occasions threatened to take his own life.

This began this past week of him calling my husband while he's at work and rehashing this same fight over and over...on to my husband going there this weekend where they again rehash it over and over. He calls me in tears and I tell him its not a healthy situation to be in but he can't just walk away because he's so scared his dad will actually act on his threats.

I'm so tired of crying and being stressed about this situation. I'm so scared that his dad will actually do something stupid...or even just never talk to my husband again. I'm worried that ultimately down the line my husband will blame me for this and resent me.

But I can't agree to live with him because then when it's miserable I'll have nowhere to go since I have no family here...and we could only afford to buy outside of London anyway so I'd be commuting an hour plus each way everyday just to go back to a house that doesn't feel like a home or even a safe place.

I'm sure my husband regrets marrying an American...at least if he had found himself a nice English girl she would have probably had parents or even friends to stay with when it all got a bit much and might have been willing to give the living situation a go.

I just needed to get some of this out there...another downside to being an expat...still working on making friends so don't really have anyone to vent to :/  Seriously considering looking into therapy for both my husband and I...I think we'll need it after this ordeal.

...he's said awful things about never wanting to see us again and that we're dead to him and as he's done on many previous occasions threatened to take his own life.

....calling my husband while he's at work and rehashing this same fight over and over...on to my husband going there this weekend where they again rehash it over and over. He calls me in tears and I tell him its not a healthy situation to be in but he can't just walk away because he's so scared his dad will actually act on his threats.

I'm so tired of crying and being stressed about this situation. I'm so scared that his dad will actually do something stupid...or even just never talk to my husband again. I'm worried that ultimately down the line my husband will blame me for this and resent me.
 
...Seriously considering looking into therapy for both my husband and I...I think we'll need it after this ordeal.

Honey, to me it doesn't sound like your husband and you need therapy, it sounds like your FIL does. I know he is stressing you out and making you feel anxious, but that is because something is going on with him...not necessarily you.  He is probably pushing so hard for you all to buy a house together because he is seeking something within himself that he is missing.

If you feel you need to speak to someone, by all means DO! But I would encourage your husband to talk to him to seek help as well.  Perhaps print out some literature on manic/depressive behaviours for him to read, and have your husband tell him that you are stressed and don't want to pursue  living together because of those behaviours.  If that's the problem, he will get defensive, but I've found that sometimes gently pointing these things out plants a seed in people, and the inquisitive ones will seek more information. He may not even be aware that he's got a problem, but threatening suicide should never be taken lightly.

Good luck!  I know it's hard. I have the same problem with my Bi-polar brother. We are the best of friends, but every attempt to live together has failed epically, especially since I'm prone to OCD and anxiety, and things get radically out of control.

I agree that it sounds like your FIL needs the therapy. You and your hubby need a nice, relaxing getaway, when you can reconnect and just be.

I doubt your hubby is regretting marrying an American. The things that are wrong with the relationship between him and his father wouldn't have just started recently if things are as bad as they are. These things generally go way back, maybe even their whole life together.

I've worried over people acting on threats of taking their own life, but it is generally emotional blackmail if they only bring it up when not getting their own way. When a person is serious about it, it won't be mentioned to give anyone a chance to try to stop it.

I don't know what the answer might be, but there has to be a way to resolve this peacefully without you and hubby having to live where you are constantly walking on eggshells, or worrying what he might do if you don't move it with him. All of you living together isn't the answer.

I lived with my in laws  for  8 months and it was hell.. never never  do it!

I will start this post by just stating that my in-laws are absolutely wonderful and I love being a part of their family.  That being said, they baby my sister-in-law to the point that I'm not sure how well adapted she is to being an adult.

My husband's grandmother, she's 86, has been admitted to the hospital.  My in-laws did not want to tell my sister-in-law that her grandmother was in the hospital but had to because she works in the A&E department in the local hospital!  The grandmother was hospitalized earlier this year, as well, and we were told not to tell SIL (who was off at university at this time) under any circumstances.  WHAT?!?!?!  I can understand not worrying her while she's working her shift but not tell her at all?  Her nan is in the hospital!  Nope, nan was in the hospital for a week and a half and SIL was never told.  They have no problem texting the information to my husband while he's at work but mustn't worry SIL.  I love them but it drives me bonkers!

They are doing her a great harm by babying her to the point where she isn't getting to learn emotional coping skills. I remember the worry each time one of my grandparents was hospitalized. However, it will be worse on her when the time comes she loses her grandmother or any other family member, because she hasn't been allowed to learn to cope with things.

I'm not sure if I was surprised, relieved, or both to see this thread! I'm recently married to my British hubby and the in-laws are awful! I'm not sure if it's unique to them or a culture clash or a combination.

To start with, when I met his family they were reserved - which I chalked up to them being British. But we spent three days in their town and the mother said nary 5 words to me the whole time! Then when it came time for our wedding she asked to borrow several thousand dollars to pay for the trip to America for the wedding. In the end, she didn't come. She also completely ignored emails from me trying to build a relationship and just didn't respond to the wedding invite.

The worst part though, has been my husband's sister in law (his brother's wife) who has maliciously tried to sabotage our wedding and marriage from the start! She tried to wear white to the wedding several times, pled poor a dozen times and made us rent the tux for his brother to be the Best Man or else she said he'd just wear some other suit he owns. Then bragged about staying at the Four Seasons. She made rude comments about immigrants and how she thinks they need to close the border. She lied to us several times about hotels and wedding travel, sent an email the week of the wedding asking what her and the best man "absolutely have" to attend, and to top it off...

She stomped out of our ceremony in heels on wooden floors because she was "hungover and needed to throw up." Right in the middle of our vows. No apology.

After the ceremony his whole family sat outside away from everyone. They wouldn't talk to anyone. She didn't apologize. And when I voiced that I thought it was rude I was told she's wonderful and lovely and did nothing wrong and I was the bad guy for targeting her.

In the 7 years my husband has lived in London they've never once visited him, they never call him, and he only sees them when he takes the time to visit them. I think they're awful and rude and cold. I just thank God that we won't be living near them.

So my question is - is this just cultural? Are the British just naturally cold and impolite? They wouldn't acknowledge my family, say thank you for anything from welcome baskets to gifts, and they thought being a 32 year old woman so hungover at 5pm totally warranted stomping out of a 6pm ceremony. Even his friends who were invited just didn't respond. None of his friends nor his family sent/gave us a card or present (save his Aunt who is lovely) or even responded to my e-mails throughout the process.

The worst part is that thought we try not to let it affect us, this has affected our relationship at times. I feel completely unwelcome and disrespected - meanwhile my friends and family have all welcomed my husband and sent him cards, emails, messages, friended him on FB, and communicate with him regularly.

I guess I'm just confused because by American social standards this behavior is beyond uncouth, it's unacceptable! 

Wow!  Sounds like you've married a nightmare of a family.

No, this is not normal or indicative of the culture.  My inlaws are warm and lovely.  My English friends are warm and lovely.  I'm sorry that they think such rude behavior is acceptable.

So my question is - is this just cultural? Are the British just naturally cold and impolite? 

  Are you being serious?

Oh, Bella, that sounds horrid.  I hope things improve.  The Brits I know are a bit more reserved but I wouldn't equate that to being cold and downright rude. 

TamaMoo, sorry for the late response!  I totally agree with you.  Fortunately she has a job now and, while I doubt that she'll move out any time soon (not that I'm one to talk), hopefully they will begin to treat her like the young adult that she is.