The official UKY inlaw venting thread

I agree with you Danielle, seems only fair that people help out when they are living with someone.  I think it would be OK if there was a period of time where the house owners would decline help as they still assume (even if you've moved in) that you are still a 'guest', but after awhile, it should be acceptable to help without having things hid on you 

The funny thing is, when my FIL hid the laundry - my hubby didn't believe me. But, the hamper was a communal hamper in the hallway and my hubby used to put his dirty clothes in there.  When I moved in I bought us a hamper for our room and he started using it.  Well, sometimes he'd still be in the habit of putting clothes in the hallway hamper after a shower. He didn't believe me the clothes were hidden (never mind the hall hamper was completely empty after almost a week since they were last washed) until I washed the clothes in our hamper and there were only two pairs of his underware in there. We had to wait until my FIL unhid the clothes and they were washed so we could get his underware back!  I have no idea where he could have hid the clothes and neither does hubby. Hubby checked their bedroom and the spare rooms.  I have an image in my head of FIL bagging up the dirty clothes in a garbage bag and hiding them in the boot of his car. 

*hugs back*

I honestly was gonna resort to drinking... I'd joke to my hubby about him making me a cocktail (he makes amazing cocktails), but i know drinking doesnt solve anything.

My husband and i are waiting to hear from the agency so badly and move out because i believe his mum and i would get along a lot better with a bit more distance between her and me.

Yesterday I was ill and my hubby told me in his mother's exact words about how she's afraid to speak for fear of upsetting me. Despite what's been happening betwen her and me, she baked a gorgeous chocolate birthday cake for me (no one has ever done that for me before). It was supposed to be a surprise, but i couldnt hold it in and i think i hugged her two or three times.

OK- need to get this out before this weekend

Our baby is almost 8 weeks old. The ILs have made ZERO effort to come see her.

DH is the only boy- his family name will die out with him if we don't produce an 'heir'. Before she was born, FIL "joked" he wouldn't care to meet the baby unless it was a boy.It doesn't look like much of a joke now.

They do not feel a 45min car ride is worth the effort, rather we should take a too-young-to-have-vaccinations newborn on a 2 hour journey on public transport.
They did manage to visit a friend in Surrey though, and we would have been a 30min detour (Still not worth the effort).

They don't call or skype to see or hear about her (though my 8yo niece does everyday while at their house and they can't bother to come to the computer, unless it is to ask my husband for help about finances, etc).

The only reason they are meeting her is because our friends are getting married in their town this weekend.
 
We were planning on moving back to the States in Sept or Oct and before she was born they gave my DH sh*t about raising our baby away from them. Now we are moving back the first week of August so they will probably only see her once before we leave. I am 100% positive they will use this against DH in the future (they are very 'woe is me').

My MIL has been sh*t talking my DH to other family members saying that she is not going to visit us in the States because she deserves a 'real' holiday (so hard working 3 hours 1 day a week!) but we better come back for 2 weeks at Xmas because that's what we did visiting my family while we lived here.

Um, lady, that's because we actually ENJOY spending time with my family and they don't give us the silent treatment for imagined slights. Oh, and not to mention we had 4 weeks holiday in the UK with no baby, things are different now.

Plus last year at xmas MIL hid in her room and had a screaming fit because my 7 yo niece got a present from a family member that MIL was mad at for whatever reason and it was UNFAIR that a 7 year old child would want to open a gift on xmas . Like hell I want to spend my child's first christmas with a woman in her mid-50's having a temper tantrum.

And I just feel so bad for my husband because he is ecstatic about being a father and just loves showing her off, and he can't do that with his own parents. He deserves to have had parents who are supportive and loving. The best my ILs can manage is indifferent.

I have nothing to do with my ILs, generally. DH calls them bi-weekly and they might call him if they need something from him but that is it. But now that LO is here and DH wants to introduce her to them, I have to be there as well. No way am I leaving her around verbally abusive, narcissistic, hoarding assholes. DH tends to try to ignore it (like he had to do his whole childhood) so I need to be there to say "time to go!" when they start acting up. Even a 2 month old doesn't deserve to be around that.

So yeah, just need a vent to get it out before I expose my postpartum, hormonal self to them. I am just 2 weeks from my citizenship ceremony so it would be a bit inconvenient to be arrested for choking a b*tch this weekend.

(PS- is justifiable homicide legal in the UK?  )

So yeah, just need a vent to get it out before I expose my postpartum, hormonal self to them. I am just 2 weeks from my citizenship ceremony so it would be a bit inconvenient to be arrested for choking a b*tch this weekend.

 

Yeah, they sound like lovely people.  I don't blame you for being stressed about this and wanting to get far, far away. It seems like they are holding a grudge against you for moving back to the UK and are being awkward about meeting your daughter because of it. You and your DH have my deepest sympathies. I can't imagine my parents being indifferent towards their (hypothetical) grandchild. 

They sound rotten Danielle! Your baby deserves to be around family that love her and support her!

Glad you are aiming to be near more positive family. !"£$&^$ with family can be really tough. Hugs.

I'm really sorry Danielle. I can kind of commiserate, my husbands family is no fun at all. While his mum did make it to the hospital a few days after our son was born, and once when he was about 6 weeks old (he's 2.5 now), the only time she sees him is when we make the trip to her house, which is only a half hour's drive away, but when DS was born I still hadn't sorted my license out so she wanted us to take the train much like your husband's family.

Whenever we do see her at family gatherings all she does is complain (mostly to SIL's IL's) about how little she gets to see our son but has never actually made an effort to see him. She's never offered to babysit, or just spend time with us as a family or anything. It is really frustrating because if she made any attempt to spend time with us we would bend over backwards for it to happen but she just wants to be able to complain I guess, not actually see him.

I hope you have a great time and a supportive family when you get back to the states! I'm sure it will be a welcome change!

They do not feel a 45min car ride is worth the effort, rather we should take a too-young-to-have-vaccinations newborn on a 2 hour journey on public transport.
They did manage to visit a friend in Surrey though, and we would have been a 30min detour (Still not worth the effort).

They don't call or skype to see or hear about her (though my 8yo niece does everyday while at their house and they can't bother to come to the computer, unless it is to ask my husband for help about finances, etc).

The only reason they are meeting her is because our friends are getting married in their town this weekend.
 
My MIL has been sh*t talking my DH to other family members saying that she is not going to visit us in the States because she deserves a 'real' holiday (so hard working 3 hours 1 day a week!) but we better come back for 2 weeks at Xmas because that's what we did visiting my family while we lived here.

And I just feel so bad for my husband because he is ecstatic about being a father and just loves showing her off, and he can't do that with his own parents. He deserves to have had parents who are supportive and loving. The best my ILs can manage is indifferent.

I can relate to this.  It's funny, because at first I thought I'd get on well with my FIL and his wife and secretly kill my MIL in her sleep, but now I'm really close with my MIL and 'Those folk down in Barry' can bite my shiny metal @$$!  They are perfectly nice and friendly, but are EXTREMELY selfish and NEVER call us or make any effort. I thought my SIL was crazy for not talking to her dad, as he seemed very nice and friendly and eager to hear from her, but now I know better.  We haven't spoken to him in almost three years.

They came over for our US wedding and even had us down to visit a few times before children, but after our kids were born, they made absolutely no effort.  We brought our oldest over to visit them when she was six months old, and they had us down, but limited our visit to just one night [even though it was a VERY long drive down from Coventry]. 

Then, when our next child was born we were struggling to make the flight [due to the very high cost of tickets], and asked them to contribute just a little to help us come over so they could meet her. My MIL contributed quite a lot to the trip even though she's on a limited income, and THEY both work and make plenty of money, on top of both being retired RAF.  Well, he informed us that they'd be ON HOLIDAY for half the time we were there and that we 'needed to sort out our priorities and not take holidays if we couldn't afford it'!

It really upset my husband because he was always close to his dad before this and he was looking forward to introducing his new daughter to him. I was FURIOUS.  To me, family is absolutely my number one priority and always will be, and now that I am married, that includes my husband's family as well.  No questions asked, no exceptions.  I was floored that my initial impression of him was so far from the reality, and my husband is still sulking almost three years later.

I wish I could say he'd get his when he's old and alone, but his wife is much younger than him and her parents, brothers and sisters all live nearby.  He regularly sees his nieces and nephews and their children, so I would imagine they will look after him :/

In the last year and a half my FIL's sister, his brother, a brother in law, and his mother have all died and he only  made it up for his Mum's funeral. Since I've known them, I've seen all of them more often than he has, and they are his immediate family.  I just don't understand AT ALL.  They all saw each other often, and my husband's grandmother saw all of them all the time before she passed, but he rarely invited her down to his house. They were/are a very tight knit family and I just can't understand how THIS MAN could have come from them.  I get invited to come see all of them when we visit, and I see our christmas card pictures displayed proudly in their houses.

Recently I have hinted to my husband that he should call his dad.  I'm not one to hold grudges, but I've had similar issues with my own father [although we are close now and he even lives with us].  I will probably regret this, but I would like for him to finally meet my youngest daughter and to see how they've grown, if for no other reason than to show him what he's missing.

Hang in there.

I could write a book on how difficult my in laws can be, but I will keep it relatively brief and only go into today's BS. My parents and sister are visiting from the US. They got in yesterday and came over to our house (we live with his parents) this afternoon.

When we got married we were told we could have two people designated to take photos during the ceremony. It was decided just before the ceremony that FIL and his best friend would do it. There was no conversation about this, the registrar came down five minutes before the ceremony and asked if it was okay with me and I just went "uh, I guess". And they both filmed it. No still photos, just video. We didn't want one, let alone TWO. And we don't even really have the second one, FIL's friend never gave us a copy of his video.

So FIL didn't finish editing it until July (the wedding was in February), and by then my parents had decided they were going to visit in October. FIL kept badgering me to send them a copy by post. I didn't see the point in wasting money on postage to America for a DVD that they may very well not be able to play over there when they were coming for a visit in just a few months. And I politely explained this. Well over a dozen times.

Fast forward to today, and someone mentions the DVD, and when MIL realises I didn't send it she just will not let it go. And I had kept it on my computer desk, but it wasn't there, it was on the bookshelf in the living room. MIL keeps coming in and cleaning my desk, throwing things out that don't need to be thrown out. Thankfully she hasn't thrown out anything important yet, but there is no reason for her to mess around with anything there in the first place. So we find it watch it, she makes a few more comments about me being too lazy to send it, but seems to let it go. It stung, but I just let it pass. And then when the video was over and taken out of the player she goes "somebody responsible needs to keep hold of it, we know Hilda can't be trusted".

I haven't had any time alone with my family yet, and I know they won't bring it up in front of Mr. Ice. I don't know if they just think it's British "taking the piss" teasing or if they realised just how hurtful she was being. But ugh, I was worried she would try to make me look bad in front of my family, but she doesn't normally do it in front of me.

Whelp, we are officially going to family therapy with my FIL. It's a last-ditch effort before we're allowed to just give up on trying to have a relationship with him.

I think I'd rather spend the £ on a nice dinner out because I can't see any change coming, but I suppose it'll be closure at least? But, seriously. It's such an awful lot of money for a man I reeeeeeally can't stand.

Um, I came on this thread to express my dread of my BIL's upcoming overnight visit on Christmas Eve, because he is very messy and trashes my bathroom several times during his stay.

Reading these awful posts, though, I think I'll just back out slowly and keep my mouth shut!   

Sheesh, I sure feel very sorry for you folks. Some of your ILs are just dreadful! My BIL is the only IL I have. I guess I should consider myself lucky.

When I was In Scotland with my the fiance his mother wanted nothing to do with me. She told him he is going to be sorry if he marries an American an that he needs to marry a proper British woman.

I can't wait for Christmas this year lol This American was born an raised in the south. She starts I'm gonna finish it

In cases like SaraS' I sometimes think that our in-laws (or in-laws-to-be) latch onto the Americanness as the most obvious thing they can object to. Chances are they'd not like anyone their kids picked, but we have this obvious, inbuilt, "fault."

Anyway, I hope she behaves for Christmas and everything turns around for you!

When I was In Scotland with my the fiance his mother wanted nothing to do with me. She told him he is going to be sorry if he marries an American an that he needs to marry a proper British woman.

I can't wait for Christmas this year lol This American was born an raised in the south. She starts I'm gonna finish it

My mother in law wasn't thrilled with me either when she first met me, she thought because I was American that I would take her son back to America and she would never see him again  to be honest, now that my son is grown, if he came home with a girlfriend from another country I would be less then thrilled too! I would be afraid of the same thing, that I would never see him because of her  try and be patient with your future MIL, she might be going through the same thing? Good luck at Christmas!

My MIL has a haterd again Americans. She believes we are all ignorant fat lazy slobs.