How to Please Everyone?

Um, no they don't.  They just want the best for you.  They might not always go about saying or doing it the right way but that is pretty much what they are about. 

I'd agree that's true for the majority of mothers, but it's not true for all. Mine doesn't care about me, or what I want, she wants my wedding to be something she can brag and show off about, she doesn't mind crying, manipulating or getting others involved to get what she wants. This whole thing is all about her and her friends, and one upping one of my cousins, and is not at all about me and my happiness.

For instance, she's not catholic but I was raised catholic (as my dad is catholic) and my DF was raised catholic (we're both atheists), so she was going on and on about a church wedding and the reason why? It would look better in photos when she shows her family in asia. So it's okay to lie to a priest in front of all our friends and family and start our life together just for that ridiculous reason? (tears upon tears with that one)

The wedding dress conversation I just shut her down with "I've already picked my dress, it's a huge 50s prom dress, it's not white" She hung up on me, didn't speak for 3 days then got my sister to call me (luckily my sister told me to just ignore her)

I don't see how any of this is about wanting the best for me, she's been competitive, attention seeking and selfish my entire life.

She just doesn't get that I don't want a wedding, I want a marriage. I want everyday with my DF for the rest of our lives, the wedding is just a hoop we jump through to get to that. We just want to make that hoop a bit fun and sparkly

It's 50s, it's retro bowling alley, it's fun, it's ours.

I suggest you take the same stance Becca!

I want everyday with my DF for the rest of our lives, the wedding is just a hoop we jump through to get to that. We just want to make that hoop a bit fun and sparkly

It's 50s, it's retro bowling alley, it's fun, it's ours.

I suggest you take the same stance Becca!

That sounds soooo awesome, CB!!!!!  That's so unique!

That sounds soooo awesome, CB!!!!!  That's so unique!

We're trying to do it fun and 50s-ish, without it being themed




My mum also hated the menu - which included -

Mini beef burgers.
Southern fried chicken skewers with BBQ dipping sauce
Mini hot dog served with onions
Mini chicken quesadilla with guacamole
Marshmallow chocolate cup
Mini pecan pie

yay! Can't wait, silliest wedding ever!

WOW! That place is gorgeous!  Man, that menu sounds great, too! I'm sure it will be the perfect day for you both.  I bet your mom will have a great time and everyone will be talking about how fun and unique it was. Then you can say "IN YOUR FACE!" (Or maybe just quietly whisper it to yourself.... lol).

just try to compromise where you can.

I think this is the key. It's your day and it should make you happy, but at the same time nobody likes a bridezilla.

She just doesn't get that I don't want a wedding, I want a marriage. I want everyday with my DF for the rest of our lives, the wedding is just a hoop we jump through to get to that. We just want to make that hoop a bit fun and sparkly

Yes, yes, yes! that's exactly how Tim and I feel about it!

I think I might have smoothed things over with Tim's mum via texting....I got her email address so I can send her updates on things so she doesn't feel left out.  If I wind up squeeing on FB about something, she'll get a copy in her email box so she doesn't hear about it via her daughter reading my FB page.

I agree with Jewlz as well--it's definitely for Tim and you to sort out the details and all that jazz, but if there's something small that would make your mom happy, and it isn't a huge deal/offensive to either of you, it might be worth including. And I'd bet the 10 quid in my pocket she'll turn around once the wedding day comes--the chances are pretty good that she'll be happy and proud and all that good stuff, once all the wedding BS is out of the way.

It's good that you're working to at least keep his parents and your mom up to date with how things are going, since they're gonna be nosy like that. It's also good to set boundaries with the parents as well, and hopefully any people on either side of the pond who choose to act like children grow up. They need to learn that sure, it's not the most ideal situation with one family in one country and the other in another country, but it doesn't help to add more stress onto you and Tim by reading too much into things that are (or aren't) said or whatever. If they love you guys like they say they do, they'll learn to live with whatever details you want to add to your ceremonies, and just focus on the actual act of joining your lives together, since once all the sparkle and glitter is gone, that's what will remain

I'd agree that's true for the majority of mothers, but it's not true for all.

And it's also not true that all Moms suck, either.

Most mothers just want what best for you. I'll stand by that.

I'll offer my opinion on this by saying that we didn't think of other people at all when we got married and we ended up really hurting people's feelings and caused some upset that was needless and long lasting.
 
I know it's your day and I get that, but over all it is just one day in your life.  There's nothing wrong with letting them have some input and a little bit of control. You have to go on dealing with the parents and the in-laws long after the wedding is over.

I agree with Mindy. I also feel for your future MIL in this instance, to be honest. A mother who has a good relationship with her son should not find out about his engagement via facebook. I think I'd feel really hurt if this happened to me too.

CB that venue looks awesome, you're going to have so much fun!! Is it Bloomsbury Bowl or maybe All Star Lanes, by any chance?

I also feel for your future MIL in this instance, to be honest. A mother who has a good relationship with her son should not find out about his engagement via facebook. I think I'd feel really hurt if this happened to me too.

She didn't find out about the engagement via facebook.  We're not that stupid. What she saw was a note directed at my friends who wanted to know details, and I told them there were no details because we were waiting to see what kind of leave Tim still had for 2009, specifically if he could take 2 weeks off in November.  She misinterpreted things to mean that we had made solid plans without telling her.

I didn't announce it to my FB friends until several hours after Tim and I told our parents on Sunday, even though we had been engaged for a few days by then.

We're trying to do it fun and 50s-ish, without it being themed

It's a great place!!  I loved going there when I lived in London!

And it's also not true that all Moms suck, either.

Most mothers just want what best for you. I'll stand by that.

I'll offer my opinion on this by saying that we didn't think of other people at all when we got married and we ended up really hurting people's feelings and caused some upset that was needless and long lasting.
 
I know it's your day and I get that, but over all it is just one day in your life.  There's nothing wrong with letting them have some input and a little bit of control. You have to go on dealing with the parents and the in-laws long after the wedding is over.

Sorry, I actually meant that "It's not true that all mothers suck, but some definitely do and don't actually want the best for you" - That may have been badly phrased and I apologise

I'm basically compartmentalising my mother's role in  the wedding and giving her small tasks to decide on, like she's doing wedding favours and Save the Date stuff. I've given her a small number of invites and told her to invite whomever she wants BUT I think the big stuff, like what I wear and what sort of ceremony it is (religious) is something I need to put my foot down about. You should be able to have "your day" without being a bridezilla!

Yah - it's all star lanes I love where you're having yours as well SP -did I read in the paper that it was getting loads of grant money?

Yah - it's all star lanes

it looks brilliant!

BUT I think the big stuff, like what I wear and what sort of ceremony it is (religious) is something I need to put my foot down about. You should be able to have "your day" without being a bridezilla!

I completely agree with this. My whole family is very religious and DH and I are not, so we chose to have a secular ceremony in a garden. Fortunately, no one really said much about it  but I think it's because I have made it clear for a long time that I am not religious, so no one was surprised by the choice. At any rate, if you aren't religious, I think it's actually an insult to those who are if you have a religious ceremony, if that makes any sense. Also, DH would've been highly uncomfortable having a religious ceremony as his family isn't religious at all, either, and he has never had to experience that sort of thing. It was the one thing we most certainly insisted upon. But, when choosing a cake, I went with something I thought everyone would like (my grandmother hates chocolate, even though DH and I both love chocolate cake) and I tried to take other things like that into consideration. I guess you have to choose your battles, really. You don't want to cause huge rifts, but at the same time, you don't want to compromise your own beliefs and desires too much, either.