I skipped my own wedding this morning:(

I knew my first marriage wasn't right and went a head with it as well. So when my ex ended it by cheating and then running off with the girl it was horrifying and also a relief! I wish I would have had the courage like Danger Face and walked away before! BUT it all worked out in the end the way it was supposed to. I never would have met my current amazing husband otherwise!

Updates Danger!! How are things going for you?

DC Girl, I'm sorry to hear of your trouble! I wish you the best of luck on your journey!!

DC Girl, you know Evilshell does make a good point! Would it be worth it just to at least talk to him and tell him what you want to do? You never know his reaction to it (maybe he would agree that things aren't working and be helpful to your change, or vice versa, maybe he has a good solution to working things out...at least either way things would be a little more amicable maybe?). I just know that being on the receiving end of something so drastic can be extremely hurtful and hard to handle and maybe there is another solution that won't be so heart wrenching and dramatic to the both of you guys? (not that you will avoid heart break, but maybe it will make things go smoother? I'm not quite sure how to word it!)

Anyways, I hope you both find a good solution. ((Hugs!))

@Bmore_2_UK, Thank you so much -- it pains me to even write this but I need a place to vent and maybe have a couple of shoulders to cry on.

@evilshell, You are so right.  I know either way its done it will be painful.  I don't want to do it that way but I'm so bad with emotional scenes.  Bottom line I don't want to hurt him and talking to him would lessen the blow but when we discuss our issues he likes to pretend nothing is wrong.  When we argue the truth and lots of nasty things comes out.  I know he's miserable but he seems to fear being alone or he thinks things will change between us.  And I'm just more and more miserable and I know he is too. 

@Amberelle11, I'm so happy things worked out for you.  I was under such a delusion when we married.  I know leaving him while he is at work is not only cruel but admittedly selfish.  I just don't know what to do or how to do it. 

He has expressed how he had an aunt and uncle who had a sham of a marriage.  That they were more like friends than spouses and that he always feared a situation like it.  Well, guess what?  That's what we have and he knows it. 

I'm still rolling things around in my head and heart as to what to do. 

Updates Danger!! How are things going for you?

Looks like things are going OK for dangerface:
http://talk.uk-yankee.com/index.php?topic=67364.0

DC_Girl, I'm very sorry to hear about your marriage breakdown. 

Looks like things are going OK for dangerface:
http://talk.uk-yankee.com/index.php?topic=67364.0

DC_Girl, I'm very sorry to hear about your marriage breakdown. 

I'm so happy for dangerface and thanks so much phatbeetle. 

I'm so happy for dangerface and thanks so much phatbeetle. 

Just to add, Danger is still doing well and planning a trip over in June.  I'm looking forward to having a drink with her and raising heck down on the South Coast. 

DC_Girl- very sorry to hear you're having a rough time.  There's a lot of support here, and I'm always a friendly ear if you need to vent.   

DC_Girl- very sorry to hear you're having a rough time.  There's a lot of support here, and I'm always a friendly ear if you need to vent.   

Thank you so much!! 

DC - if you're that unhappy, walk away. There's no shame in it. I am 26 and living with the 'rents until I get over to the UK shortly.
Why is there shame in wanting to be happy?

Take it from someone who waited 3 years (for what reason??!?!?!) - just pack up and leave.

I have a ton of financial debt from it but guess what... I'm happy.

But I have a feeling you'll leave when you want to. You haven't left because you're not ready whether you want to admit that or not is irrelevant, that's all.

I didn't see this before, but I'm sorry your marriage is ending DC girl.  All the very best for the future. 

We were together for 5 years, then I left my ex while he was at work......

He worked out at sea for 3 months at a time so I figured it was better to just go before he got back. I thought seeing him would make me change my mind OR that he would make a big scene, try and keep my stuff or stop me (physically). It was the best way for me. He did call me a week before I had it planned so he did know what he was coming home to. He begged me to stay and I said no, then he begged me to at least wait until he got back (so he could help me pack, yeah right! ) but I stuck to it. I'm not saying it was easy, in fact it was one of the worst times of my life. I think back on it now and I just don't think there was any other way! I am one of those people that believe EVERYTHING happens for a reason. If I hadn't of gone through that I never would have met my husband (along with the many other great things that came into my life after the ex was out of it!).

DC_Girl, I know how hard it can be but you have to do what is best you! Big hugs to you and I hope what every way you decide will bring you happiness! 

Everyone thank you so very much --- true words of wisdom.

My fears are having to start my life all over again.  Feeling like a failure.  Hurting him.  I did finally open up to him (not like he didn't know our marriage is comatose).  He did what I figured he would do.  Denied anything was wrong.  Basically he said when he gets full time hours and when I get a job things will be better.  Sure, things will be better financially but that's not a cure all for our marriage.

We spend our days sitting in front of the computer.  He's on one side of the room and I'm on the other side.

Our discussion last week ended with me feeling hollow inside.  He did say he would help me get things together as far as going back to America.  But (get this) he said I should still look for a job here.  Work a few months, save up money, then go.  I'm thinking what?  I told him I was moving in with my parents and the little bit of money I would make over here would really do nothing to help finance wise.

My plan is to move in with my folks, get back in with the gov't (I checked with my old personnel office and fortunately I can be able to get the same pay salary that I once had).  Get my finances/debt in order, save up, then get my own place.

This is what he told me:

Your parents are getting old and won't be around for long.
Your sister has her own family and won't have time for you.
Your friends will all of forgotten you or won't care that you are back.
You will be lonely.

I know he said these things out of fear of losing me but it I thought what he said was rotten.  Right now he seems to think his 'warning' has me shaken and that I'm diligently looking for a job and sticking to 'his' plan.

Also, during our conversation I told him how at times he has scared me.  He didn't comment on that topic.  He has never hit me but his temper can go from 0 to 100 quick.  He's kicked things, thrown things.  Once when we were putting a table together apparently I did something wrong and he roared at me.  Later on I told him how I felt -- his response?  "You deserve to be yelled at for doing something so stupid."  And last week during a discussion he just point blank told me "you're not too educated."  I'm thinking I've owned two properties, worked in the gov't 20yrs, gotten promotions, and yet I'm not too educated?

We have good times, we laugh, can act silly, have similar interests but I know a marriage needs more than that. 

I know when the time is right to go I will.  And because I don't want drama I will do it when he's at work.  I just have to figure out how to move things out little at a time so he doesn't notice till I make the 'big move'.

Good for you, DC_Girl I think you're strong for being able to disregard the nasty things your partner has said to you. The whole "you deserve to be yelled at" REALLY disturbed me and has reminded me of a couple of situations that still ring a cord within me. You deserve better. Even if you have a tough time adjusting back in the US, it will get better in time and it will be better than staying in a crappy relationship. Best of luck to you!

Big hugs, DC_Girl.

I wouldn't presume to tell you what is best for you, but wanted to ask if you and your husband are at all interested in working on the relationship - through counselling, either individual or couples counselling or both?  If so, here is a link that might help with that:  Relate.

It definitely sounds like things aren't going to get better unless something changes.

Also, during our conversation I told him how at times he has scared me.  He didn't comment on that topic.  He has never hit me but his temper can go from 0 to 100 quick.  He's kicked things, thrown things.  

That sounds a lot like the way my second husband was - didn't hit me, but a really bad temper, verbally abusive, kicking things, throwing things, shouting & screaming & cursing, crazy wild eyes, spittle flying.  It was very frightening and intimidating.  He did put fingertip bruises on my arms once when he was holding me & trying to keep me from leaving, so things were escalating.

We were both willing to try both individual & joint therapy, but it didn't really go anywhere or improve anything.  Yet he was still shocked and couldn't understand why I was leaving him at the end - dumb ars*.  

I'm saying this just to let you know there are those of us who have been through similar & gone on to rebuild far happier lives after all was said and done.  If I hadn't had the courage to leave my second husband - when I went out into the world, moved away, met new people & did lots of new things, well if I hadn't done all those things I would not have met Mr Robinson (my excellent third husband of nearly 7 years) nor would I be living here in England now.

So don't worry about the starting over/failure - all that stuff.  The real failure would be in doing nothing to change it.  And yes, it may be hard to start over & you may be lonely at first - but if so, those things will pass, and you have the opportunity to get yourself into a better place.

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide.  Be brave & stay safe.

DC Girl, Good for you for trying to communicate your point of view with him! That took a lot of courage! I think from this point forth, you do what you think is best for you. If you feel that it's whether or not it's counseling, great! But you can at least walk with your head held high that you tried to communicate with him! You are a strong woman and don't let him make you feel any different!!xx

DC, congratulations on talking to him.

As for taking little things out - I did the same thing. Pictures, family heirlooms... anything VERY important I packed up. What you could do is box up stuff you can't be without and send it to the US well ahead of time. Just make a list of those things and put them in boxes in a closet or under the bed. When the time comes 90% of your important stuff will be gone and in the US already.

Before you know it you will just have a few small bags left that you can take on the plane with you. I'd also advise not overloading yourself with "things" to take back if that is a stressor for you. Just donate things to charity if you haven't used/worn them in 6 months to lighten your load.

Best of luck and let us know how everything turns out - EITHER way.