Deal Breakers

I'm not sure if this is in the right place, so I'll just put it here. Mods feel free to move if I'm in the wrong spot.

Has anyone experienced something that was a "deal breaker" with their SO? And how were you able to work through it?

I know that some people say religion or wanting/not wanting children are HUGE ones, but I'm sure there are others that people have had to work through as well.

ETA: The last little bit.

Living in York.  I love York, it's great, but I want to experience living somewhere else in the UK.  Currently we are compromising and when I finish my MA, we are hoping to move to a village near York and when we retire, we will look into moving somewhere else in the UK (or possibly Europe, but I'm still talking dh into looking beyond Britain).  Since dh is big on keeping us in York, I get to drive that move with dh having veto rights.  Unfortunately retirement is about 40 years away. 

For me, drugs or any other illegal activity is a deal breaker.   I also have silly ones like if a guy drove one of those trucks with enormous wheels

For me, drugs or any other illegal activity is a deal breaker.  

Yes!!

For me, drugs or any other illegal activity is a deal breaker.   I also have silly ones like if a guy drove one of those trucks with enormous wheels

Very true.
I'm struggling with the wanting kids/not wanting kids one. I wonder if people are able to get over this. It seems huge.

You're right, that's a biggie and for me it's a deal breaker. I never had to overcome that in a relationship because I would never date someone who didn't want them. That being said, I do have a friend who always said she didn't want kids, but her husband did. They did have a child a few years ago, but I'm not sure how/why she changed her mind. Good luck with this one!

Very true.
I'm struggling with the wanting kids/not wanting kids one. I wonder if people are able to get over this. It seems huge.

It is huge.  Hubby and I discussed it before we got married, and thankfully we were in agreement.

My ex and I got divorced because of this issue (and other reasons).

You're right, that's a biggie and for me it's a deal breaker. I never had to overcome that in a relationship because I would never date someone who didn't want them. That being said, I do have a friend who always said she didn't want kids, but her husband did. They did have a child a few years ago, but I'm not sure how/why she changed her mind. Good luck with this one!

Funny thing is that I've flip flopped on the issue myself.

You're right, that's a biggie and for me it's a deal breaker. I never had to overcome that in a relationship because I would never date someone who didn't want them. That being said, I do have a friend who always said she didn't want kids, but her husband did. They did have a child a few years ago, but I'm not sure how/why she changed her mind. Good luck with this one!

This is exactly how my parents were, so they had me.  I was the compromise child and honestly that's a really hard place to be in. 

Personally the kids thing would be a deal breaker for me.  I've always wanted kids and understand that some people can't have biological children, but there are other ways to have children (adoption).  Having a few kids has always been one of the most important things to me, so I'd want to partner with someone who felt the same way.  Having said that, I can understand why some people don't want kids...and believe they should partner with people who also don't want children.  

My hubby and I discussed all the deal breakers before we got married...but now that we are married there is an understanding that if a deal breaker issue came up (for example, drugs, alcoholism or other illegal activites), we would try to work through it together if the person affected agreed to get help and tried to change...we wouldn't just walk away automatically.  I've already been through this with my hubby in regards to verbal abuse (an issue I never foresaw being a problem prior to moving to the UK and realizing my hubby has extreme anxiety - which was fairly easily hidden from me prior to living together).  After I realized it was a problem, I explained it was a deal breaker and he could either get help and change (I would help him as much as possible) or we could get divorced.

The way I look at is like this:  if one person is going to regret a decision for the rest of their lives (which can lead to contempt and possibly cause you to resent - or hate - your SO for the rest of your life), that should be a deal breaker.  Yes relationships require some sacrifices and that's one thing, but giving up a life-long dream to appease the other person (or to avoid an argument or to make the other person happy - or for any other reason) is something different altogether.

The way I look at is like this:  if one person is going to regret a decision for the rest of their lives (which can lead to contempt and possibly cause you to resent - or hate - your SO for the rest of your life), that should be a deal breaker.  Yes relationships require some sacrifices and that's one thing, but giving up a life-long dream to appease the other person (or to avoid an argument or to make the other person happy - or for any other reason) is something different altogether.

Perfectly said. I agree.

Smoking. I couldn't live with a smoker.

As for the child issue, I was always worried about that because I've never wanted them, but most men I dated did - though I didn't get serious enough with any of them for it to be a real issue. But I was very relieved when I met DH and he didn't want them either! And now I'm too old, anyway, so it's a moot point.

The kids thing is not a deal breaker for me. I dont care either way and mostly lean towards no, however, DF wants them. We have talked about it and compromised at one. I know I will love it when the time comes but without one I think it is hard to really make a decision. Plus, we are not even sure either of us can have kids, specifically him due to his cancer treatments and have decided if it doesnt happen no big deal or we will discuss adoption at a later date.

I personally dont know if I have any specific dealbreakers. I think 99.9% of things can be worked out.

And our issue now is where to live, but I know we can find a compromise.

Any signs of mental illness would be a deal breaker for me.