This is such a wonderful thread. As someone who is only in the beginning planning stages of our move a long ways out, there is a lot of good advice in here. The closest I can come to relate is I grew up in Florida and moved to Seattle when I was 25 (3,000 miles) with all my family still in FL. Been in Seattle 20 years now. Granted moving to a different COUNTRY is different but I can relate to not seeing my family during holidays (because of my job, I went 8 yrs not being able to go home for any holidays), wanting to call/Skype them in the evening only to remember they were already in bed, and there was a cultural different between East coast (especially SOUTH East) and West coast.
But reading through all the posts, a few things did pop in my mind.
1.) Don't forget HIM - While this will be a big change for you, it's also going to be a big change for him. Like some people said, people don't realize how "disruptive" (and I don't mean that in a bad way) it is all of a sudden having someone else live in your house, wanting your time & attention, doing things differently from you...even if you love them. He's going to go through an adjustment period as well, just as you are. So as long as you both as on this adventure together and willing to each do things differently, it should be fun. AND... being respectful of the other. At work we have a saying: "Disagree but commit". You (or him) don't have to be "right" all the time or be the winner. You guys are in this adventure together so instead of trying to figure out how HE would do things or how YOU would do things.... this is your chance to figure out who YOU BOTH would do things as a team. He'll learn things from you, and you'll learn things from him.
2.) Arguments/Communication - This is that one area that I think few people really "get right" in a relationship. I think the big thing for each person to learn BEFORE the arguments is... how does the other person like to process it? What I mean is... is he the type of person who like to talk about it right now until you both have come to a conclusion no matter how late it is? Are you the type of person who likes to "cool off" first and then come back and talk about it calmly? When you know how the other person likes to handle arguments, I think the couple works through things better. I like to cool off first. Otherwise I might say things I don't mean to say just to try and make my point. My husband likes to talk about things RIGHT NOW. In the beginning, it almost split us up. Once we talked about how we prefer to handle disagreements, we started working together much better. I've also just had to learn that sometimes I need to just keep my mouth shut even if I think I'm right because if something happened to him the next day and he were laying in a hospital.... would that argument over how to load the dishwasher REALLY matter that much? Or could I have just accepted we do thing differently and... thats OK. Culturally, it would also be interesting to find out do Brits argue differently then Americans? (I know, very general).
3.) Own Identity - You are all so right, you need your OWN identity. When I met my ex, he had so many interesting things going on but then he dropped them all and his life basically revolved around mine. He was like clay. It was kind of sad. I even tried encouraging him to go do the things he used to love doing but it was always "I love being around you." So when my husband and I met, that was one of the top things we talked about. We have own time together but we also have our time apart. Its ok if he wants to go hang out with friends one night. (For example, he is a musician/singer and on Wednesday nights he usually goes straight from work up to a Celtic music session at one of the Irish pubs. I've been to so many of them I get bored so I dont go anymore. This gives us at least 1 night a week for each of to do whatever we want). Yes, we love spending time together and exploring. But we also need to have time to do things on our own so we can come back to one another and say "Oh my god, let me tell you about my day." And maybe picking a "Me Day" each week that you each can go off and do whatever you want without that worry. Maybe its just so he can have a day in the house by himself once in a while. Maybe just so you can go out and meet new friends who are YOURS (and not OURS).
4. Budget to buy things together - I know what a big move you can't take everything with you and he may already have a fully stocked house but... maybe budget a few hundred pounds for when you get there that the two of you will go shopping together and buy a new couch that meets BOTH of your personality, or some new art work together, or new plates, etc. Maybe there is stuff around his house he's not attached too and he would like to replace WITH you. Once you start having those experiences together ("Our first piece of artwork we bought together", "Our first couch") you start building that shared life together. It likes when you first meet someone and you hang out with them and their friends. They are all joking about times they've shared together or inside jokes and you feel like an outsider. But then after awhile, you start to be able to say "Remember when we..." So start building those memories together. I love going furniture/decoration shopping with my husband. He usually picks out the stuff but he's got good taste. But I can look around our house and remember when we bought that first piece of artwork (yup, still got it) or the reason we bought that specific dining room table, etc. So budget to replace some stuff together. Plus it helps you feel like "OH! I just bought my first British piece of furniture!" haha
5. Meeting new people - I have to say, aside from all of the great info I've found on here, this is the exact reason why I'm on this site (and a number of other expat sites and Facebook pages). To try and start to get to know people over there before I get there. Now, luckily nearly all of his amazing family lives over there up North and I've known them for 10 of the 14 years we've been together so we have a built in support system already there. But we'll definitely need local friends. And I'll want some American's I can meet up with when I'm just needing that fix of familiarity. So I'm hoping that once I get over there, I'll be able to finally meet up with some of you and put a face to a name. That would be wonderful. But I think you are doing the right thing. You are reaching out and trying to meet people NOW. It is lonely when you move somewhere and don't know anyone. I think meeting people online is so much easier for me, personally. My husband is VERY out going so I tend to meet people through him. But again, it'll be good to have a couple friends who are YOURS and then those friends who you both spend time with. God knows you'll need that one special friend you can just b*tch about your husband to.
hahaaha Just do some Facebook search for whatever city you'll be living in (or county) and maybe an area of interest, like "Bedfordshire Dog lovers" or something like that. You're bound to find a bunch of different things and then just slowly get to know people online and then maybe meet up once you get over there.
And I leave you with some lyrics that always hit home for me when I think back to when I moved from Florida to Seattle from a song by Toad the Wet Sprocket:
And half an hour later we packed up our things
We said we'd send letters and all those little things
And they knew we were lying but they smiled just the same
It seemed they'd already forgotten we'd came
Now we're back at the homestead
Where the air makes you choke
And people don't know you
And trust is a jokeYou could always stay where you are in the safety of what you've always known or.... you can see life as an adventure worth exploring and see what exciting things are out there.
I'm excited for you!
