Hi you guys, checking in; thank you again for all of you being there for me in all this mess.
No, staying in the UK is not an issue as I am just a returning citizen, so that's okay.
About the Jekyll and Hide aspect, yes, I myself am still reeling from that whole issue about having known him all my life and thought I knew what I was getting, but seemingly when it came to turning this page in "our book" he couldn't handle the step-up in intensity and went back on everything he'd ever said or been to me for years.
I have thought about that one endlessly, and it seems to me that there are many layers to the collapse and they all came together to sink this ship on both our parts. First of all, he does have a pretty damaged history but I had seen an arc of evolution in him over the years, and thought he had processed a lot of things and become a very together person, which was why I went into this in the first place, now over the last couple of years...
My stress from the whole move, his stress from the whole move and his inability to extend compassion to my stress, my inabilty to cope well as things got more intense with not just the relationship, but the move arrangements and PETS Scheme -- which as you guys know, feels like a small version of Hell while you are dealing with it.
It also came out in the wash that this guy, rather than having evolved and matured and dealt with some of his early issues as I had gathered the impression of, has actually not dealt with a single damn one of his issues. He pulled the wool over my eyes for sure. In face-to-face reality he is still full of barely covered anger, aggression, unwillingness to compromise or extend compassion when the other person is losing it too, extremely warped views, severely unhealthy coping mechanisms to things in life --- hey aren't we all a lot of these things to some degree, I'm not above my own anger and stress too which certainly contributed to the collapse of it all, but add to his personality flaws (and mine) the intensity of all aspects of our situation, and the relationship became a powder keg.
Not to mention, I see now he has a severe reaction to any degree of withdrawal from pot and cigarettes, which he repeatedly tried to kick or cut back on and was without during the visits he made to me in the US. In most people it can be rough but in him it made him near psychotic. He doesn't even seem to see or admit to that in himself.
And here we were sometimes talking on the phone for 12 hours straight -- we did marathon calls and it makes you believe you are getting all the picture, you are "up to date" on where this person's head is at.....
All I know is, I was wrong, or it was all a great effort of an act on his part that he couldn't keep up once we were facing reality under a new chapter like this.
Platonic friendship -- even while one of you is carrying a torch and wishing for more -- is one thing, and a certain balance and distance and "best face forward" and be maintained.
But facing the pressure of a profound change of that relationship that has already gone from intense love to platonic to intense love again, is a whole other ball of wax. (We were teenage First Loves then stayed platonic all these years until feelings got more intense again in the last couple of years we both were single again.)
Add to that the pressure of knowing someone has to uproot from halfway across the world, and like I said, powder keg, in our case.
But I would say this to anyone out there -- this was only me and him. Your relationship may not do what mine did. This particular guy has deep, deep issues, and he also had issues with specifically ME, to boot. One of my friends even wondered only half-jokingly if it was all just his elaborate revenge plan to punish me for taking so long to go from platonic feelings to love again on my part!!!
He is just a messed up creep nobody can heal, who functions well enough to seem like he has it together, but he's full of more darkness and psychosis than even he admits to.
Sorry this was a bit long -- but if it might help anyone who is dealing with a complicated personality. I will say, though, because of how sure I was that I had a handle on his make-up, I won't be able to trust any situation or person for a very long time.
