The official UKY inlaw venting thread

Chary - I'm curious how your MIL and your stepmom got along at the wedding. They seem to have some of the same qualities, so I was curious if they like each other.

Chary - I'm curious how your MIL and your stepmom got along at the wedding. They seem to have some of the same qualities, so I was curious if they like each other.

They got on OK, but honestly didn't see much of each other. My MIL was supposed to arrive on Wednesday in time for a Hen Night thing, but didn't turn up until about midnight on Friday (the day before the wedding). Don't ask. So she missed a Bridesmaids' Luncheon on Friday as well as a family dinner that night. This meant that there weren't a lot of opportunities for them to get to know each other. They did sit next to each other at the wedding reception, but all I gathered is that my stepmother noted carefully that my MIL drank two bottles of wine on her own!! Then we had a big beach barbecue the following night, but I think the MIL was busy chatting to her friends and relatives. So not much mixing.

I will say that the entire experience gave me a new appreciation for my stepmother, though! She seems so normal in comparison! 

They got on OK, but honestly didn't see much of each other. My MIL was supposed to arrive on Wednesday in time for a Hen Night thing, but didn't turn up until about midnight on Friday (the day before the wedding). Don't ask. So she missed a Bridesmaids' Luncheon on Friday as well as a family dinner that night. This meant that there weren't a lot of opportunities for them to get to know each other. They did sit next to each other at the wedding reception, but all I gathered is that my stepmother noted carefully that my MIL drank two bottles of wine on her own!! Then we had a big beach barbecue the following night, but I think the MIL was busy chatting to her friends and relatives. So not much mixing.

I will say that the entire experience gave me a new appreciation for my stepmother, though! She seems so normal in comparison! 

Glad it wasn't a total nightmare for you! That's hilarious about the wedding reception. 

I will say that the entire experience gave me a new appreciation for my stepmother, though! She seems so normal in comparison! 

you found the silver lining! 

I love it when my DH (I have a DH!) says stuff like that about his parents! Doesn't it make you feel not quite as alone in your views?

Totally!!  I get a good vent from him every day or so when he's over there!  It's great! 

I did end up talking to MIL on the phone yesterday...she sneakily answered DH's phone when I was calling him with the claim that he was in the shower.     Oh well, at least now she can't say I refuse to talk to her.

all I gathered is that my stepmother noted carefully that my MIL drank two bottles of wine on her own!!

 

It definitely helps!

I just found out that my MIL is several months behind on both her mortgage and property taxes.  She, apparently, hasn't had any income the past few months (she owns her own business, which has been slowly failing for years) and never bothered to tell my husband about it until it was getting dire.

Granted, the woman isn't quite living in reality.  Her I-kid-you-not retirement plan is to marry a rich man.  Never mind that she hasn't been on a date or even attempted to meet anyone in over ten years!

Oh. My. Lord.  That is not right on so many levels!!

Maybe some of you guys who have had inlaws for a while can help me out. (please!)

I put alot of effort into my fiance's family's Christmas presents. For Xmas they gave me a $25 visa gift card that they had originally given my fiance, but they realized they didn't have anything from me so they took the card from him (the day after he opened it) and gave it to me instead. His mom said that she was going to pay him back for it but never did.

Last year on my birthday I didn't get a text, or a call, or anything.

My family and my fiance have been exchanging birthday gifts (They got him something, he's given them all something on bdays). So he said I should do the same for his family (their birthdays are all before mine). So I spent more time, effort, and money and got them all nice gifts. My birthday came around and I got a text from his mom. And that's it.

Then last night I was writing thank you notes for my birthday gifts from other people, and my fiance asked me why I wasn't writing one for his family.  We actually argued for a few minutes over if they had given me anything.  I finally just asked him, "Ok, so what did they get me?" and he was finally convinced. 

His great excuse for them was "they are trying to get out of debt and don't have alot of extra money right now." Well I'm doing an unpaid internship and have no income coming in. It's not like I had any of extra cash either.

I'm seriously over the gift giving with my future inlaws. I don't wanna give them a damn thing for Christmas and nothing but a text for their birthdays next year. But at the same time, it's early on and I don't want to cause a rift in the relationship. I feel like the things I have given them are unappreciated and their lack of gifts for me means they don't really want to exchange. I just don't know what to do.

IME, for Christmas a poinsettia is perfect for the type of situation you mentioned. DB's father and step-mother say they don't want anything and I feel like we need to do a token, so they get a poinsettia. Other people that DB's mum tells him he should give a gift to, but we don't want to spend much on, get a poinsettia as well. On the UK sites it was harder to find poinsettias, but on US sites I was able to find a nice enough one for just $15-20.

Birthdays are harder, but I don't think a card with a gift card worth $10 or so would be too bad as just a token.

Oh. My. Lord.  That is not right on so many levels!!

You have NO idea.

[...]

My family and my fiance have been exchanging birthday gifts (They got him something, he's given them all something on bdays). So he said I should do the same for his family (their birthdays are all before mine).

[...]

I'm seriously over the gift giving with my future inlaws. I don't wanna give them a damn thing for Christmas and nothing but a text for their birthdays next year. But at the same time, it's early on and I don't want to cause a rift in the relationship. I feel like the things I have given them are unappreciated and their lack of gifts for me means they don't really want to exchange. I just don't know what to do.

(Hope you don't mind me only leaving in the pertinent bits)

Honestly, I think you should do exactly what you're comfortable with.  Forget what they do or don't give you, or what they give your fiance.  Gift giving (although it can often feel like it with in-laws) isn't a competition.  It's about giving someone something you think they would like and you feel comfortable giving.  Getting stuck in the "they-gave-me-this-so-I'll-give-them-that" game is a slippery slope you'll never get past.

Send them a simple card for their birthdays and write a nice note inside.  If that isn't enough for them, well, I doubt anything you give them would suffice.  For Christmas, why don't you and your fiance give them gifts from both of you?  It'll save a bit of money for you, and make things a lot easier in the end.

I'm with Abby Normal, and I'd say for Christmas & birthdays both - your fiance should add your name to whatever he's giving them & that ought to be good enough.  Whatever pressies that Steve & I give to either of our families, our mutual friends, etc are given from both of us.

DH and I went to his parent's place the last weekend of May. Much to my horror there were birthday cards for his mother on the mantle! DH never mentioned it to me! Of course he's like, oh, yeah, I'm not sure of the exact date.    Great. Fortunately, I'm sure his mother couldn't care less, but I felt like an idiot. His family doesn't do Mother's Day/Father's Day and birthdays aren't really a big deal (obviously!). Christmas is when everyone goes nuts.

Whatever pressies that Steve & I give to either of our families, our mutual friends, etc are given from both of us.

We do this too.  Makes things much easier.

Me, three. I would never think to get non-joint gifts for any occasion for any of my in-laws. Now, when I lived with them, I would occasionally pick up a little something here or there that I thought MIL (in particular) might like. But for official occasions, it's always from DH and me (and our boys).

For Christmas on my side of the family, we draw names and only give a present to that person. The only people exempt from this are the youngest children (there are 6 great-grandchildren in my family now). Most of us make an effort to get all the little ones something small or contribute to a larger toy or something.

We do the combined gift-giving as well, especially since my folks consider DH their third kid - we often go in with my sister on a single gift to one or both parents from all three of us. 

At the same time, I think it's important to remember that what seems like a no-brainer to those of us who are married or in long-term, combined-household relationships, isn't always the easiest thing for folks like IME who are recently engaged, or just dating and not cohabiting - they're often still in the trying-to-impress-the-parents stage or their partner might not yet feel comfortable with the statement that combined gift-giving might imply. 

IME, I think in your case, you might want to have a chat with your fiance about the fact that in this, as in so many other cases that will arise in the coming months and years, the two of you are now a team/family unit - his loyalty in these sorts of things is to you, now, not his mother/family.  Given your future in-laws' behaviour, if he wants to make sure that they have gifts at Christmas/birthdays, then he needs to be willing to put in the effort to provide them, and make it clear gifts are from the two of you.

I'm with Abby Normal, and I'd say for Christmas & birthdays both - your fiance should add your name to whatever he's giving them & that ought to be good enough.  Whatever pressies that Steve & I give to either of our families, our mutual friends, etc are given from both of us.

I left that part out of my post, all of the presents, the poinsettias included, are always from both of us. We didn't add any $ amount to the budget for each person even though it's from both of us. We've done this since our first Christmas together.

We've only been engaged for a month, so I guess that's why everything is still awkward with gift giving. I guess more than anything I feel really snubbed by his family by their lack of gift giving.  DF kinda had an "I'm sorry, but I don't want to talk about it" attitude about the whole thing and got really defensive.

When DF and I talked about gift giving, we decided that once we are married (next spring - no date set yet) we'll start giving joint gifts.

I think as far as gifts go with his family, I'm going to go with the poinsettia idea  or I might just make a donation to somewhere in their honor.

At Christmas last year and for their birthdays I spent alot of time helping DF pick out gifts and wrapping them. I even spend hours making handmade name tags for all the presents. (I did the same for my family.) Next year he's on his own. I'll show him where I store the gift bags and let him go for it.