The official UKY inlaw venting thread

My MIL is usually not too terrible in the gift giving department, but she may be slipping in her old age! She bought DH a metal bottle holder for his birthday that looks like a guy playing guitar.

We got something similar--not for Christmas or a birthday, just 'cause my MIL overheard me say I needed a spoon holder, so it was very thoughtful, actually.  So it was a wire figure standing up with arms kind of in a circle on a metal base with metal bits hanging off for decoration around it.  

Your'e supposed to stand your spoons up in it (spoons you're cooking with or wet tea stirring spoons, etc.), but it was so hideous, overly fussy, and hard to use.  All I wanted was just a ceramic flat thing, you know, shaped like a spoon that you put the spoon down on.  She was really good about it and could see I hated it (I wear my heart on my sleeve, all the time!), and returned it or gave it to a relative.

I think the biggest problem I have with bad Christmas gifts is you feel obligated to keep them, and I am totally not someone who likes keeping a bunch of stuff I don't like or will never use in my house.

I am heartless--if I don't like it, out it goes--straight to the charity shop!  I do get pangs of feeling badly about it, but I am a big beleiver in feng shui, and it's really, really bad feng shui to keep unwanted gifts in your home--even tucked away in a box somewhere.

I am heartless--if I don't like it, out it goes--straight to the charity shop!  I do get pangs of feeling badly about it, but I am a big beleiver in feng shui, and it's really, really bad feng shui to keep unwanted gifts in your home--even tucked away in a box somewhere.

I am usually like this.  I think that it is a lot easier with my family because they are used to my tastes more, and they truly are giving a gift to make me feel happy (and vice versa).  My family might be lacking in a lot of areas, but generally speaking, in gift giving we are not.  I am so glad that we were taught these skills, because I know hard it can be sometimes to figure out gifts that are thoughtful and useful for some people.  I am not saying I always get it right because I don't.  But I want gifts to be something that people at least like, if not love.  It doesn't have to be extravagant at all, and my gifts rarely are.

I think my MIL thinks that every material thing given should be appreciated and kept forever.  She can rattle off what she gave to my sister in law when she moved out of the family home 25 years ago.  She has tea towels a former employer gave her that are ratty and holey, but she says she won't get rid of them because they were a gift.  She has this really strong belief that almost everything of hers is valuable and worth a lot of money. She also saves total rubbish in case she needs it some day.

When I moved into a studio flat about 8 years ago, I had to learn to not be so attached to stuff. It came in handy a few years later when I moved here.  I try to keep one or two things that people have given me that are useful or I love.  I will keep more than that if it is really useful or really something perfect.  I don't think that most people give gifts as a burden, but I often feel burdened by the sheer load of stuff that was dumped on me (and packed away until we moved).  Now it is up to me to figure out what I am going to do with "my stuff".  Some of it is still there, and I am not going to bother with it.  When it's discovered (if it ever is), then I will deal with the fallout then.  

I can find humour in it, but the accumulation of massive amounts of sheer crap by my inlaws (and what they expected me to take) was one of the reasons why I was so unhappy the past few years.  And deep down I think that I want them to love me, but I am coming to terms with the fact I am going to have to settle with them putting up with me.  Whether or not I graciously take their stuff and display it proudly in my home isn't going to change that.  If she doesn't complain about my lack of appreciation of the 30 demitasse cups she gave me as part of my wedding gift, she will complain about something else. 

She has this really strong belief that almost everything of hers is valuable and worth a lot of money.

My MIL is like this too. She keeps furniture - her house has enough furniture for a place three times that size - in the belief that it's all very valuable. It's not. Some of it is nice enough (if you've got room for it), but most of it is utter rubbish.

At the same time, she throws away useful things that most normal people would keep - cake tins and teapots, for instance - because "I don't use them." I asked what if some friends came over for tea and she said, "They won't." She has a point there.

 And deep down I think that I want them to love me, but I am coming to terms with the fact I am going to have to settle with them putting up with me.  Whether or not I graciously take their stuff and display it proudly in my home isn't going to change that.  If she doesn't complain about my lack of appreciation of the 30 demitasse cups she gave me as part of my wedding gift, she will complain about something else. 

I think you have the right attitude, it's hard when the only gift you really want is simply to be loved. 

Sometimes I wonder if it's generational--like people who have lived through the Great Depression in the US or WWII in the UK and had to live through rationing.  I bet that's why some people hoard junk and can't get rid of stuff.

On a sort of related note, about a year after I was divorced and just before moving to the UK my mom suddenly started asking me about all of my bridal shower gifts.  I basically just let my ex keep everything--pots, pans, microwave, all kinds of typical gifts.  She was a bit upset about it and kept saying, "But we bought you that microwave!".  It was like she just couldn't get it that I was moving to another country, and couldn't get it that I simply let my ex keep everything.

I'd rather have the 10 pounds it all cost, not that money is the object or anything.

My MIL thinks I'm a chocolate fiend for some reason (I do like chocolate, but I'm not addicted or anything) and I always get nasty, cheap, waxy, bitter, chocolate, the darkest possible which I hate.  This year I've gotten up the courage to add onto my wishlist (thank goodness for wishlists!) that I no longer like dark chocolate (I never really did).

This is the main thing.  She spends her money (of which there isn't a lot) buying these random things that we really don't need (or want) and then pays to ship it to us.  I still have the last bag of dollar store trail mix she sent me. 

I wish we could have wish lists.  My MIL has said that she gives gifts of things she likes to give, and in essence, she doesn't really care if the other person needs/wants/likes it or not. 

To give her some credit, we did get a card in the post just yesterday from them saying a donation to UNICEF had been made in our name.  Now that's a much better gift and I wish she'd just done that alone.

At the same time, she throws away useful things that most normal people would keep - cake tins and teapots, for instance - because "I don't use them." I asked what if some friends came over for tea and she said, "They won't." She has a point there.

That is very sad indeed! :-( I hope she doesn't actually throw those things away, but gives them to family members...

That is very sad indeed! :-( I hope she doesn't actually throw those things away, but gives them to family members...

....or to a charity shop!

To give her some credit, we did get a card in the post just yesterday from them saying a donation to UNICEF had been made in our name.  Now that's a much better gift and I wish she'd just done that alone.

That's a lovely gift idea.  Maybe you could suggest that instead of exchanging gifts in the future you just all pick a charity and make individual donations (the amounts given would be secret.)

My ex's family started doing a wonderful thing a couple years before we got divorced, in lieu of buying gifts for each other.  I don't remember what the charity was called, but basically you pick a family from a list (only first names given and ages of the children) that lives in your city or area and that family has a wishlist.  The families are poverty level and would  not be able to afford gifts  normally.  Everyone from my ex's family would just pick stuff off of the family's wishlist, you could get as many or as few of the gifts as you felt you could afford. We'd all get together for a big Christmas party, and pile all of the wrapped gifts up and looked so festive and we knew how happy and appreciated all that stuff would be.  Some of the gifts were things the family simply needed because they were so poor, as well as fun things.

That is very sad indeed! :-( I hope she doesn't actually throw those things away, but gives them to family members...

....or to a charity shop!

She does occasionally give things to a charity shop, but I don't think she's ever given us anything from her house that's nice. If it's rubbish, it goes to the charity shop. If she think it's "valuable," it goes to the auction house. But mostly it gets shoved in her garage in the hope that it'll increase in value and be sale-able some day. Except for things like teapots and cake tins which have no value at all to her, so generally get thrown out.

That's a lovely gift idea.  Maybe you could suggest that instead of exchanging gifts in the future you just all pick a charity and make individual donations (the amounts given would be secret.)

My ex's family started doing a wonderful thing a couple years before we got divorced, in lieu of buying gifts for each other.  I don't remember what the charity was called, but basically you pick a family from a list (only first names given and ages of the children) that lives in your city or area and that family has a wishlist.  The families are poverty level and would  not be able to afford gifts  normally.  Everyone from my ex's family would just pick stuff off of the family's wishlist, you could get as many or as few of the gifts as you felt you could afford. We'd all get together for a big Christmas party, and pile all of the wrapped gifts up and looked so festive and we knew how happy and appreciated all that stuff would be.  Some of the gifts were things the family simply needed because they were so poor, as well as fun things.

That is really nice! It woudl be nice to buy gifts for those who actually need things instead of having to buy gifts for fussy relatives who have everything they need. 

That is really nice! It woudl be nice to buy gifts for those who actually need things instead of having to buy gifts for fussy relatives who have everything they need.  

I would totally love this.  I know I probably sound like I fall in the fussy category, but really, I would rather see someone else get things they need or want than for me to pretend to like and then feel saddled with stuff.  

I was a bit hurt when my sister in law and her family forgot a Christmas present the first year I was here.  It wasn't because I didn't get anything, but because it was like I wasn't a part of the family.

I totally support yankee swaps and Secret Santas for adults in extended families.  I wish I could convince my family here in the UK to do something like that or the charity idea.

I would totally love this.  I know I probably sound like I fall in the fussy category, but really, I would rather see someone else get things they need or want than for me to pretend to like and then feel saddled with stuff.  

I was a bit hurt when my sister in law and her family forgot a Christmas present the first year I was here.  It wasn't because I didn't get anything, but because it was like I wasn't a part of the family.

I totally support yankee swaps and Secret Santas for adults in extended families.  I wish I could convince my family here in the UK to do something like that or the charity idea.

My family used to draw names (Secret Santa style) so that each person had one family member to buy for, this way everyone had one gift to open before we had our dinner together. It worked out great and saved us all a ton of money!

She does occasionally give things to a charity shop, but I don't think she's ever given us anything from her house that's nice. If it's rubbish, it goes to the charity shop. If she think it's "valuable," it goes to the auction house. But mostly it gets shoved in her garage in the hope that it'll increase in value and be sale-able some day. Except for things like teapots and cake tins which have no value at all to her, so generally get thrown out.

Your MIL reminded me of my ex-siter-in-law who hoarded stuff in the attic in the hopes that it would become valuable.  I gave her entire sets of old books I had (Dickens, deMaupassant (or somethng like that), etc.) and she immediately put them in the attic.  Maybe they will become valuable but I was thrilled to get them off my hands.  Most likely though they will deteriorate before they become valuable.  Also whenever my ex-niece would get Barbies for Christmas and birthday whe was forbidden to play with them and straight to the attic they went, still in their boxes.  These probably will become valuable in 30 years (I watch Flog It, so I know!  ), but how sad she couldn't even play with her own presents--money was more important than imagination for my ex-sis-in-law unfortunately.

My MIL hoards stuff just to hoard it.  Not because she thinks it's going to be valuable some day, but just because she can't bear to throw anything away.  Even old toilet paper rolls.  Seriously. 

My MIL hoards stuff just to hoard it.  Not because she thinks it's going to be valuable some day, but just because she can't bear to throw anything away.  Even old toilet paper rolls.  Seriously. 

That is indeed a sickness.