The official UKY inlaw venting thread

Heading to visit the inlaws this weekend.   We'll sit around MIL's living room for a while. I'll try to start conversation and get one or two word responses. Then someone will turn on the TV and everyone will sit and stare at the TV.

It's just so different that my family. My family doesn't stop talking when we go visit. They want to hear everything we've been up to, ask us about our lives, and tell us whats going on in their lives.

Then either MIL's husband will cook supper or we will go out to eat. (MIL does NOT cook. Period.) If her husband cooks, he will alternate between smoking, drinking alcohol, and licking his fingers while preparing the food.

Then after it's all over, I'll go home and have allergy issues and maybe an ear infection for the next 2-3 weeks. Because I have asthma and allergies and smoke makes me sick. But MIL's husband ONLY smokes in the kitchen, basement, and upstairs, so the rest of the house is totally smoke free. (According to MIL)  

Whenever we visit them, it makes me hate the person I am around them.  I tried to explain this to Mr A when we were living there.  I'd like to be able to say I could ignore their perceptions, but somehow, their perceptions and how they seem to manipulate each encounter makes me feel horrible.  I feel fat, clumsy, disruptive, stupid, childish, horrible, ignorant, AMERICAN, and it sort of brings all of those things out in me.  I don't know if anyone else can relate.

Right now I could happily avoid seeing them all outside of "family occasions".

All of this. This is how I feel a majority of the time that I'm here. I tend not to notice it so much now that I get to be out of the house so much with work, but, these exact things are how I feel a lot of the time. We just saw a fab flat that's on the railway line, but, we can't afford it because if we lived there, we'd end up not being able to pay our bills. To be fair, I've only been here for 11 months, and haven't saved up much. But, after the 2nd week in July, I'll work at a brilliant pre school and be able to save up enough to get that flat. This morning, there a small myther because we were off to Delamere Forest, and we hadn't said that the bathroom was empty and ready for their use.  Oh dear.

There of all the streets of all the boroughs of London, my BiL is putting a deposit on a flat one street over from us (we live across the river from them now).  Ah well. I suppose this will either work out very well or very badly.  Hoping for very well.

There of all the streets of all the boroughs of London, my BiL is putting a deposit on a flat one street over from us (we live across the river from them now).  Ah well. I suppose this will either work out very well or very badly.  Hoping for very well.

ohh, i feel for you.  we are in this situation now, but luckily, they've decided to move next month.  it's actually been okay for the most part, but i found it harder to set limits. for instance, my BIL and his fiance just had a joint stag/hen party and while they conveniently forgot to mention that it was also a hen party (read: i was not invited) when inviting my husband to come, they somehow thought it would be okay to promise a handful of random drunken pals that we have never met that they could stay at our place--without even asking let alone telling us this was going to happen!  so not okay with me.    

Things are officially starting to kick off here. We're even gonna go and talk to the council about finding a place for us, asap. Hopefully we'll find a place that we can afford and at least be comfortable in. Can't handle all crying all of the time, being made to feel inadequate and ungrateful, even though DH and I know that he and I aren't any of those things! 

Things are officially starting to kick off here. We're even gonna go and talk to the council about finding a place for us, asap. Hopefully we'll find a place that we can afford and at least be comfortable in. Can't handle all crying all of the time, being made to feel inadequate and ungrateful, even though DH and I know that he and I aren't any of those things!

Hope you're able to find something soon!  Doing an international move like this is hard enough without having to live with in-laws & all the family/emotional/financial/etc baggage that can go along with that.  I don't know how people do it.  I love my in-laws to pieces, but I'm glad that we don't (and haven't ever) lived with them 24/7.  *Hugs*

Way to go, Abbygirl!  You've taken more than enough from your MIL, it's time you had your own space.  Good luck finding something!

Good luck Abbygirl!

Best of luck, Abbygirl.

Oh abbygirl, you've been living with your inlaws for 11 months?   I'll keep my fingers crossed you find your own place soon.

Thanks, Karrit and Tin.  The activity thing I would love, and it's a good suggestion, but they aren't activity people really.

Yeah, I know.  Neither are mine.  Why would we go and do something when it's so much more fun to sit around finding fault with the way people speak, and hold cutlery, etc?    It's generally too hot, too cold, too crowded, too far to drive, too much walking, or too late to plan anything.  My new strategy is to plan way in advance and commit by buying tickets and then it's harder for people to back out.

Thanks to everyone for their support and well wishes. I really, really hope that we can find our own place soon as well. I almost fear for my own sanity some days, and I know DH does as well. Even more, I think it would actually help the IL's that we'd be gone. And all the time when I was in the States, I'd thought that moving in with them would be kind and helpful to them, and it turns out that we're just in the way. That's the most grating thing. I thought I was doing the "honourable" thing. It turned into *SUCH* a pants situation!  

Okay. I've got some serious gripes about my MIL's philosophies on life in general. Mainly two areas of interest though - substance abuse problems, and raising babies.

Substance abuse -

My boyfriend's older brother (in his late 30's), has serious substance abuse problems. From a young age he's had them, but he's also always been into some kind of trouble. When he was younger, my boyfriend's mother would CONSTANTLY go to the detention centers where he would be locked up, and beg for him to be released early and so on. The police would constantly come knocking at the door, and his mother AND grandmother would straight up lie to the police and say he wasn't home. I personally feel that constantly being bailed out by his mother has led to him continually having problems with the police (I'm not judging her for these times, as I know they were all living a hard life at this time, and were only trying to protect they're own).

However, its different now. He lives in a nice flat in Brighton for FREE (benefits), and also receives benefits for his monthly expenses, and essentially does nothing. He's been on and off sober the past several years. When he's sober, he's really great. I get along with him very well, as we're both interested in the arts. But recently, he's had SEVERAL relapses with alcohol. And I mean bad ones. Last year all of us were at the hospital in the North of England, waiting for my boyfriend's younger brother's baby to be born. In the mean time, none of us could get a hold of older brother. We later find out that he had relapsed so badly that he was in the hospital, and had been diagnosed with pancreatitis, and would be in the hospital for weeks. He nearly died.

Flash forward one year. He had spent 8 months recovering at his mother's home (while his nice free flat was empty), and she babied him back to almost health. He is forever on medication now due to his condition, including morphine, and could risk death by taking a drink of alcohol. He was miserable to be around, and I hated visiting for that reason. My boyfriend helped him move into a NEW flat in Brighton (through a swapping scheme), and one week later, relapse. And this was a BIG one. He has an 8 year old daughter who he has not been a father to, and who has recently been contacting him (the poor girl has a crazy mother, and just wants to know her Dad). They started hanging out a couple times, and had a really great time together, which we were all happy about. They did things together, painted together, and genuinely had a great time. They were supposed to come to London to visit my boyfriend and I when everything happened. We got a call in the morning from younger brother, that older brother had severely relapsed WHILE his daughter was with him. He had started drinking at night, and when her grandfather came to pick her up, older brother refused and essentially kept her hostage the whole night (we didn't know this til much later). So younger brother tells us (this is in the morning) that older brother is completely sh*t faced with his daughter in the house, and even spoke to the daughter on the phone to make sure she is okay.

At this point we are unsure of what to do. I thought to call the authorities, however I was told no because she essentially would be taken straight into custody. I am unfamiliar with the laws in this country, and as it was not my family, I did what they wanted. My boyfriend and I jumped in the car and drove to Brighton, as now older brother was no longer answering his phone. We wanted to make sure his daughter was alright, and to get her back to her grandfather. Thank GOD we get there, and she had already been picked up. Nevertheless, there is older brother, passed out on the floor. We replaced his vodka for a half vodka/half water mixture, and left him. My boyfriend has had to respond to his brother SO many times in moments of crisis, and has thought his brother to be dead so many times, that it just doesn't affect him anymore. We went down there to help the daughter out if she was there, and that's it.

The whole family was SO upset at him, for about 3 days. Now things are back to normal. He does not have to apologize for his behavior EVER, and just gets to rejoin the family as he pleases. This irritates me beyond BELIEF. He stays in his flat in Brighton, but for the most part stays at his mother's house, and lives off of her groceries and cooking (she doesn't make very much money).

I don't know what to do, but just wanted to vent. I feel like I've done a lot of great things with my life, and get less family support than this older brother who not only does nothing, but negatively affects the family. He does what he wants, and then gets to go back to the family and they forget everything he's done and act like normal. He's legally not allowed to see his daughter anymore, and no one seems affected. My boyfriend and his mother are always trying to see the good in him. "Oh, he's doing so well", and to be honest, I have a hard time caring. I've seen what he's done to this family in the past 3 years that I've known them. PROVE to me that you are doing well by staying sober and taking care of yourself.

He's now staying with his mother, again, while his benefits flat is empty.

To add insult to injury, he smokes, in the house, around the baby. INFURIATING. The mother is a heavy smoker, and literally just been cleared of cancer. How is she celebrating? By smoking. She smokes in the house as well, but always smokes in a different room from the baby when the baby is visiting (like that helps in the least). But last time, younger brother complained of his older brother smoking because he doesn't like it, so older brother walks into the next room, to smoke next to the baby. When I bring this issue up with the younger brother, he bolts into the next room and yells at his brother (this is a REALLY small house by the way). And what does his mom do? "Oh, leave him alone, he wants to smoke!".

Whhhaaattt? Aww, poor baby, he just wants to smoke - in front of the actual baby! Go on, just let him. Aww, doesn't he love it.

What is this family?!?!

I was going to go on about my MILs philosophies on raising babies, but I realize this post is incredibly long already. I'll save that for next time...

Kelly, I'm sorry you have to be involved with such a bad situation. 

Does anyone who has or is living with their in-laws have any advice on how to cope and manage the situation? I know that now that I'm working, through out the week, it's not so bad, because it's at least 8 hours away from them. But, the weekends are the kicker. And the worst part is, I'm a home body. I like being at home, and just pottering around here. But, I don't like the random invasions of privacy and other feelings I get sometimes.

DH and I spend most of our time in "our lounge", which is their old dining room, but, until we can find a place of our own(which, financially won't be for 2 years or so. ).I need a way to cope. I pray, I get on the internet as much as I can, just to escape, DH and I go out for as many days out as we can, etc, etc. Is there anything else? I don't like complaining as much as I do, because I know that it hurts DH, and he thinks that I regret marrying him and moving over to be with him and all of that. I don't. I just wish that I was able to freely be myself, without fear of his parents thinking he's married some sort of wild mad woman. And it's not even major things! I just want to be able to make food for myself and DH. I want to be able to clean the house when I want to. I want to take a shower-a bath even!-when ever I want to, not just when it's scheduled. I want to sleep in if I'm not working and DH has gone off to work, if I want to, and not feel like a slag for doing it. I want to be able to do things when I want to-not when doesn't get in their way of doing things.

I think if we only came over to visit DH's parents on the weekends or only on Sundays, it would be so much better. But, living with them is soooo tough. I didn't think it would be this tough. I thought it'd be easier. That things would be balanced. I'd stayed over here when I came to the UK for both of my visits, and it seemed like such a nice time, hanging out with them. They are nice people, but, they're old. Very, very, very set in their ways. They lived through WWII, and that impacts the way that they do things, and the things that are important to them. They also grew up and lived in the countryside. DH was saying yesterday that he remembers them not having a phone and telly, and then having the phone put in when he was about 4, in 1974, and then the family getting the telly in 1979. DH's father's never even used a telephone properly. And I'm pretty much a city girl. So, the contrast is quite different.

If anyone else has any ideas, please let me know. At any rate, thanks for letting me vent.

I have never been in that situation so I can only imagine how difficult it is.  I guess when you are living with parents / in-laws more than a fair share of stuff has to be around their schedule, like baths, etc. 

I do find it more than odd that you can't cook for yourself.  You'd think they'd be happy not to have to cook for four people all the time, and even happy to have you cook for them.  I would explode if I was at the mercy of someone else's cooking for every meal, every day, for years.

If it were me, I'd probably get out of the house as often as I could--taking long walks while the weather was good and the days were longer.  You already work and volunteer, right?  So that's good. 

Could you sit down and talk with them about the possibility of compromise where meals are concerned at the very least?