The official UKY inlaw venting thread

We didn't have a lounge or anything, just our room.  At first we shared meals, but then I wanted to diet and I really didn't like the meat, potatoes, two veg, and gravy (on everything) every night.  But cooking our own meals brought on its own stresses.  Some nights I wouldn't finish in the kitchen until after 10, sometimes close to 11.  Then there was a TV in the kitchen, so when my MiL wanted to watch something, she'd walk in and flip on the TV (or change the channel) without asking or saying a word.  There was a TV upstairs, and the TV in the kitchen was my husband's, and there were times we were paying all the bills and rent, but none of that mattered.  It was their home, and no matter what, we had to accommodate them, not vice versa.  I am not saying it would be identical, but I would consider what might happen if you did separate meals.  On the other hand, I made dinner for everyone a couple of times a week before we started doing separate meals.  And I had my husband banish my MiL when I cooked.  She just couldn't help "supervising" so I couldn't deal with it.

I did manage to have Mr A set up some good boundaries.  For instance, no one entered our room without knocking and be given permission to enter, and no one entered when we weren't there.  

We spent a lot of time at Starbucks (before I gave in and went to Starbucks we went to Caffe Nero).  We ate out a lot.  It was expensive, and we're still paying off some of the bills, but something had to give.

Maybe there are more social clubs or something along those lines where you are.  That could be an option.  As well as religious activities (or something with a humanist group if you're not religious).  Book clubs...volunteering...lots of time at the library.  But the boundaries thing probably does need to be addressed.

Two years? How long have you been here already. That seems a bit much to save for your own place.  Are you just looking to rent or buy?  We had to pay off a few bills before we started a lease, but ultimately it was worth having a little less spending money to get out on our own.  If you don't make a lot of money, you could see if you could get on the list for social housing.  If you're in a more rural place, it might not be as long of a wait.

Have you two considered moving into a flat share/house share? I know its not ideal, but at least you would be living with people OTHER than your in-laws. I see a lot of ads (well, in London) advertising large rooms for couples for only slightly more than what a one person room would cost.

i

I just wish that I was able to freely be myself, without fear of his parents thinking he's married some sort of wild mad woman. And it's not even major things! I just want to be able to make food for myself and DH. I want to be able to clean the house when I want to. I want to take a shower-a bath even!-when ever I want to, not just when it's scheduled. I want to sleep in if I'm not working and DH has gone off to work, if I want to, and not feel like a slag for doing it. I want to be able to do things when I want to-not when doesn't get in their way of doing things.

If anyone else has any ideas, please let me know. At any rate, thanks for letting me vent.

I'm really sorry you're having such a tough time :/

Can I ask about the paragraph above? What do they do to make you not take a shower/bath when you want? Do they have rules about it? Are you able to talk to your DH about these rules?

What about lie-ins? Are they snarky about it or do they physically wake you up?

Is it worth making a list of the top five things they do that you really can't deal with and discussing it with your husband? Maybe it's a cultural clash? Where they make jokes if you sleep in, but because you're in someone else's house etc, it makes you more sensitive to what they're saying.

I've seen some other post where you've been quite down on yourself and worried about what your in-laws/other people think about you marrying your DH, but honestly you seem lovely and your photograph is super cute, so I doubt anyone would have a problem with you at all! Do you think part of it is feeling inadequate or like a "mad woman" for wanting to make some food, as you've said above, and maybe that makes you more sensitive about their reactions and careful about what you do?

I agree the situations sounds like it's really toxic for you, two years seems like ages! Have you checked for flat shares in your area or even a studio flat? My DB and I have lived in a studio before, it seems daunting at first as it's only one room, but actually, it's fine

Can I ask about the paragraph above? What do they do to make you not take a shower/bath when you want? Do they have rules about it? Are you able to talk to your DH about these rules?

What about lie-ins? Are they snarky about it or do they physically wake you up?

I was going to ask the same.  If they are just making judgmental comments, I think I would prefer that than not having my lie-in! 

On the scheduling, some things have to be scheduled, no different from having roommates.  So like CB said, I would make a list of the most important things to you and really get a sense of what you can work with and what you can't -- but also what may be sensitivity to the ILs and would occur with any roommate.

And your DH really needs to step up the negotiation with the family.  That is his thing to deal with, so figure out one or two things to get the ball rolling, for your sanity.

The shower thing goes like this:MiL wakes up at 5.45am, every weekday morning and has her shower. FiL goes down stairs and makes us some coffees. When MiL's done in the shower, she knocks on the door, to make sure that DH is awake, and then goes to their room. DH shaves from about 6:16 until 6:30. DH then goes to take his shower at 6:30, MiL and FiL both go down stairs. On her way downstairs, MiL asks DH thru the door what cereal he'd like putting out. I sleep in until 7am(if I'm not working). At 7am, she'll yell up the stairs that it's 7am, I'll get dressed, and go downstairs with our coffee cups. Then, DH will have his cereal, while we all watch bbc breakfast news. She'll tell him that she's recorded the weather for him, and he'll watch it. Then, he leaves at 7:45am. Then, I'll eat after that, and have my shower at 8am. The routine doesn't get broken, unless I have to work early in the morning. Which, tomorrow, I will. That means I'll have to wake up first, and have the first shower, and just do everything first. Which, normally, wouldn't put anyone off.

But, if I don't make sure to remind MiL, there will be hell to pay. I'm not even joking. She gets in a right mood, and then her blood pressure will go up, and then she'll myther about that(the blood pressure going up) as well. For some reason, she LOVES to play the victim/martyr. DH has said that she's always like this,but, for me, I don't understand it. I mean, if I'm willingly do things for other people, I don't complain about doing them. Just get on with it and do what needs to be done, and then move on to the next thing. But, if she does something for you, which you think, "Oh, how sweet. Thanks." there's no certainty of whether she did it for you to be nice to you, or she did it expecting something. I've said this bit before in other posts, but, she'll go on and on about the doctors saying that she should take things easy, and how she gets so tired doing everything in the house. But, DH and I have asked her countless times if we could help in any way, and we've always been denied.

And the cooking thing, he's mentioned it to her, but, she thinks it's her responsibility as DH's mum to cook him a hot meal and all of that. It's like what Legs Akimbo said in her post.

I was raised to never "talk back" to my elders; if I was ever to say anything to my dad even now, I'd certainly get a stern look that would put me in my place. So, I don't say anything at all, just try to carry on as best as I can. DH is the only one that I can be myself around, when we're in our bedroom, or our lounge, so, that's a comfort. And I do try to go out as much as I can, when and where possible. I just hate the feeling that I have to do all of this, just to feel comfortable in my own skin.

And the 2 year thing, that's mainly because I want to go back to school next year, so that I can get better qualifications and earn more money. Catch 22-grr! DH only makes about £21,000-not anymore than that, and I barely make £10,000 now. We can only get £45,000 for a mortgage so, we wouldn't be able to afford anything decent in Crewe, where we live. I don't even mind living in Crewe, I just want a space of our own, where we can be ourselves, where we can feel like we're not little kids, depending on his parents for everything.

Super long post! Sorry. Got to go into town. Thanks for always listening!!!! <3

Wow. It stresses me out just reading this, so I can't imagine actually living there. I love my in laws, but my max time spent there is about 3 days. Living with them is not ever an option.

Two years is a VERY long time and I think you need to give up the idea of buying and just rent for right now. You never now what your life will be like two years from now. You could go to school, but what if you still can't find a job? I understand wanting to plan ahead like that, but in this instance you guys need to live in the now. Seriously, your sanity and your marriage depends on getting out of there.

Two years is a VERY long time and I think you need to give up the idea of buying and just rent for right now. You never now what your life will be like two years from now. You could go to school, but what if you still can't find a job? I understand wanting to plan ahead like that, but in this instance you guys need to live in the now. Seriously, your sanity and your marriage depends on getting out of there.

I agree. Can you afford to rent on the £21k your husband makes? If not, would you rather stay with your in-laws for 2 years or defer school for a bit? If you can afford to rent somehow, I would do that. You can always find a way to do the school thing, whether that's via online courses, part-time work, student loans, what-have-you. As Bmore said, your sanity/marriage should come first.

I hate to say it, Abby, but I agree. You need to get out and get out soon. Not only is your MIL a control freak, but she's a passive agressive martyr. The fact she insists on fixing your DH his breakfast (which is only cereal FFS!), when he is now a married man just shows how warped she is.

I'm sorry, but IMO (and I've lived with my inlaws twice so I have been there), either you need to move asap or your DH needs to step up to the plate and set some serious ground rules. My MIL had some of the same tendencies of martyrdom and we set the rules before we moved in... I did all the cooking for the two of us the first time around and for the 4 of us the second time we did it (by then we had 2 kids). We cleaned our own space and offered to clean theirs but were usually refused. We helped in the garden, too.

Seriously, without taking some ownership of YOUR marriage and life, I can pretty much promise you it will get harder and harder, especially if you do stay there another 2 years.

I'm not trying to be all doom and gloom. I'm just trying to be honest in terms of my own experience in what I would view as a less toxic environment (my MIL is actually a very nice lady). I could not have lasted as long as you and your DH propose to do.

(((hugs)))

Just doing a quick search in Crewe it looks as if you could get a studio/1 bed flat for about £300 pcm which is more than do-able on £31,000 that the two of you combined make a year...heck that's twice as much as my husband brings home and our rent for our 1 bed in Derby is £380 pcm!

For your health & marriage Abby, seriously consider renting somewhere and get out of there!

I lived with my in-laws for a few weeks (less than 3) before our house was ready.  I thought I was going to go insane.  They're actually really nice people but I need my own space...and I need to do my own thing.  My MIL is a lot like yours in the sense that she complains about doing everything, yet she won't let anyone help her out...that got on my nerves really quickly!

I agree with the others that maybe you should just work out a strict budget so you can afford to rent something (even a small 1 bed flat would give you more space than you have now, right?).  For me personally, getting out of there ASAP would be the top of my priority list.

Echoing what others have said about trying to rent and get out sooner rather than later. At the very least, I'd encourage your husband to have a talk with his parents: there's no need whatsoever for his mother to check to see if he is awake each morning, for them to put out his cereal and make his coffee, or for them to even have any concern over whether you are up and showered on your days off!  That would drive me mad! 

I agree so much with what everyone here is saying.  You are his wife--if he needs waking either the alarm clock or you will do it.  She is treating him like a child and you as well by not aknowledging yoour rightful place as wife and grown up in the situation.

Your combined income is more than what my hubby and I make combined and we rent in a really  nice area.  If we waited til we saved enough to buy, we'd be waiting a long time, too.

You can afford to rent to get outta there!

Abby, I was in nearly your exact situation a year ago.  My MIL still woke DH up in the morning, made him coffee, packed his lunch, cooked us dinner, did all the cleaning of the house, etc.  The only difference was she wasn't controlling or manipulative or passive-aggressive about it, and that's the only way we were able to survive there for a year.  Personally, I wouldn't get worked up over the way your MIL treats your DH.  Some people are mother hens and some are not.  In our house, DH makes his own coffee and his own breakfast and does his own ironing, etc.  So while we were living there, I didn't mind all the things she did for him.  Doing them made her feel needed, and if she hadn't done them, I certainly wouldn't have.  However, we didn't have the weird shower rota you have, and MIL didn't mind if DH and I ate separately, or if I occasionally cooked for everyone.  She was really very accommodating, and that I think is the key difference between her and your MIL.  You have to pick your battles.  It may not be worth fighting over the morning routine, the cooking or the cleaning, but it is worth making a huge effort to move the h3ll out of there.  Holding out until you can buy a place is not worth it.  You have to accept that in this economy, people with your income will really struggle to buy.  I say that as someone with about your income.  We rent, and our place is a lot more expensive than it sounds like yours would be, and we get on all right.  Besides, didn't you want to move to Bournemouth at some point?  Why buy in Crewe if your dream is to move someplace else?  Seriously, your life will be sooooo much better once you have your own place, and your relationship with your in-laws will improve as well.  Do yourself the biggest favour ever and move out before your and your DH's relationship with his parents is ruined beyond repair.   

So, just had a reality check with DH tonight. I told him everything that I felt-which he knows already, but, we had the conversation again, and went over the figures. Here's what they came out to. Our combined monthly income is a whopping £1,717. And our combined annual income is £20,604. The two of us earn less than a young farmer. The only thing that we can afford is a place in one of the worst streets in Crewe, for £292, and even then, we'd struggle.

I wholeheartedly agree with everything that everyone's said, but, we can't even afford to move to somewhere bad!  Please, there has to be some hope. Please help. 

OK, here are my calculations, based on what we pay, which will be more than you would as we live in an expensive area. 

Rent-400 (assuming you get somewhere decent)
Council tax-100 (ours is slightly higher for a more expensive flat)
Utilities-100 (generous estimate, that's about what we pay per month)
Transport-200
Sundries-300
Total--1100

That leaves 600 a month for food, etc.  Unless you have other expenses I didn't mention?  It'll be tight, but it's possible.  I have a colleage who probably brings home about what you do per month, and he pays £600 for his flat, not including council tax.  Plus, you may be able to get housing or council tax benefit, or working tax credits. 

Honestly, I was terrified when we moved into our flat because I thought we couldn't afford it and we would always be struggling for money and would be miserable.  But we're really content.  There are worries, of course, but that's just life.  We have a garden and grow lots of vegetables, and we've cut down on some of the extravagances we used to have, like eating out and taking holidays.  It's really worth it to have space and privacy.  Hang in there, chica, you'll get sorted eventually!