The official UKY inlaw venting thread

Abby, do take a closer look at what your total budget would be--we pay more than double  for our one bedroom flat what flats in Crewe would cost (ugh!) and our total outgoing expenses before food but including gym membership, mobile bills, etc. is still *well* under what your monthly budget is.  Not sure if you have student loan bills to worry about or things like that, but I do think you two should be able to cover the basics with that budget.  Good luck--I hope you sort something out soon!

So, just had a reality check with DH tonight. I told him everything that I felt-which he knows already, but, we had the conversation again, and went over the figures. Here's what they came out to. Our combined monthly income is a whopping £1,717. And our combined annual income is £20,604. The two of us earn less than a young farmer. The only thing that we can afford is a place in one of the worst streets in Crewe, for £292, and even then, we'd struggle.

I wholeheartedly agree with everything that everyone's said, but, we can't even afford to move to somewhere bad!  Please, there has to be some hope. Please help. 

How about something like this?

http://www.spareroom.co.uk/flatshare/flatshare_detail.pl?flatshare_id=1048592&search_id=30564811&city_id=&flatshare_type=offered&search_results=/flatshare/%3Fsearch_id%3D30564811%26&

£350 a month, all bills included. You'd only have to pay for your food, yes you're sharing with people, but they're people who will let you do whatever you want, have showers whenever, make your food whenever. You could probably find an all inclusive shared room with a ensuite for around £400. So you'll just be sharing the living room and kitchen.

I do also think you'd be able to cover the basics with that budget, we pay £1000 a month in rent on not much more than that a month in London, we budget carefully and have a nice life

How about something like this?

http://www.spareroom.co.uk/flatshare/flatshare_detail.pl?flatshare_id=1048592&search_id=30564811&city_id=&flatshare_type=offered&search_results=/flatshare/%3Fsearch_id%3D30564811%26&

£350 a month, all bills included. You'd only have to pay for your food, yes you're sharing with people, but they're people who will let you do whatever you want, have showers whenever, make your food whenever. You could probably find an all inclusive shared room with a ensuite for around £400. So you'll just be sharing the living room and kitchen.

I do also think you'd be able to cover the basics with that budget, we pay £1000 a month in rent on not much more than that a month in London, we budget carefully and have a nice life

I checked out this link, and the nantwich listing is  a good place, but, it doesn't take couples. There's one that's in a somewhat dodgey area of Crewe with a listing that did accept couples, but, there's already 5 people living there, and it didn't matter whether a person had a job or not. I don't like being nitpicky, but, I just don't want to go from the frying pan into the fire. I don't like quoting cliche's either, but, it was the best way to explain things, I thought.

Dh'a mother kisses him hi/bye on the lips and now his sisters started doing it too.  Which grosses me out and makes me not want to kiss dh. Is this something that is just normal for some families? There's been times when dh tried to kiss me, and then I think of his mother kissing him and I just don't want to kiss him.  He thinks it "normal" and "we don't see his family that much" so it's not that bad.   

I checked out this link, and the nantwich listing is  a good place, but, it doesn't take couples. There's one that's in a somewhat dodgey area of Crewe with a listing that did accept couples, but, there's already 5 people living there, and it didn't matter whether a person had a job or not. I don't like being nitpicky, but, I just don't want to go from the frying pan into the fire. I don't like quoting cliche's either, but, it was the best way to explain things, I thought.

You have to keep looking, flats become available everyday! You can post an ad on there and find people to "buddy up" with and what about gumtree?

£380 all bills, accepts couples, professionals only, use of own bathroom, sharing with a professional couple in their 40s. Sounds really nice, obviously I don't know crewe at all so might e in dodgy area.

http://www.spareroom.co.uk/flatshare/flatshare_detail.pl?flatshare_id=1285940&search_id=30765851&city_id=&flatshare_type=offered&search_results=/flatshare/%3Fsearch_id%3D30765851%26&

http://www.spareroom.co.uk/flatshare/flatshare_detail.pl?flatshare_id=598273&search_id=30765851&city_id=&flatshare_type=offered&search_results=/flatshare/%3Fsearch_id%3D30765851%26&

£400 a month, all bills, self contained little flat which shares a main living room, you have your own entrance

I watched MTV's 16 & Pregnant on Sunday, which featured "Kailyn" who was living with the baby's fathers parents, as her mother wasn't really interested in her. The story with her biological parents was sad, but I could not get over how supportive and loving her (for all intents and purposes) MIL was. Check her out in this article http://remotecontrol.mtv.com/2010/04/28/16-and-pregnant-response-jos-mom-feels-blessed-to-help-kailyn/
In my most self absorbed way, I was moved to tears because THIS is how I pictured my in-laws to be and it is so, so far from being that.

I feel terrible for not loving (hell, not even liking) my in laws. Everyone in my family has been blessed with great in-laws. My mother calls her ex-in laws once a week, and my paternal grandmother calls my mother her daughter. Even my godmothers in-laws were great people who were invited to all our family parties. I never had the chance to meet my IL's until after we were married (actually the day I moved over into their house!). I had sent them letters, but I should have realized that when I never heard back and they never wanted to speak to me on the phone, it wouldn't be a perfect relationship.

My FIL is a racist, bigoted man (ask him about how blind/deaf people are not regular humans sometime!), that can not stop talking about how his wife is fat and lazy. He tells his 4 year old granddaughter she is getting fat . He always puts down my husband and his choices, calling him a try-hard who has a waste of a college degree. My DH is always wrong about everything to him, and the only one who he praises (sometimes) is my SIL, who was a teen mom who dates a drug dealer. I actually don't mind her, but you are going to praise her lifestyle over someone who did well in school, put themselves through Uni, has a good job and is married to someone who works inside the law? He just seems to like to put him down because he feels threatened by him. I can not on principle enjoy being in the company of someone who talks sh*t about my DH.

My MIL is very quiet and shy person. I can't really tell much about her personality. She always claims people are doing stuff to her, or being rude to her, but she isn't the type to ask about how you are and comes off as rude, so I assume people are doing the same to her. She hates groups of people, so she starts fights with family members so she doesn't have to go to b-day parties, xmas, whatever. She didn't want to visit her parents while they were dying (sick people upset her) so she didn't see them the last two years of their lives. She did, however care enough to throw a fit (around the funeral) over the will, because her one relative (the primary carer for her parents for the past 3 years) got slightly more money than her. So she no longer talks to her family, and my husband and I are supposed to ignore them to. When DH's cousin (our age) had a baby and we went to see him, she wouldn't even talk to or look at us when we saw her that same weekend. The fact that I only have 4 'family' members I am allowed to speak to in the UK, when I left behind 22 first cousins alone in the States does not make me want to raise my future children here.

My IL's are also opposed to us moving to the States, which they never mention to DH, but always mention to me. About how they would be upset if we moved to London (30 min away) let alone the US. Which is a surprise to me since they never say "I love you" or hug/kiss each other or their children. Sometimes it breaks my heart to think of my husband growing up like that and I feel blessed he is the polar opposite.

I also have nothing in common with my IL's so even though we are with them once a week, we have nothing to talk about. My DH says he will miss family time when we move to the states, but family time usually involves us watching tv and sometimes my FIL interjects with a lovely comment about how immigrants are ruining the country. Thanks 'dad' .

It kills me that my DH and parents have such a good relationship- they treat him like a son and my sisters call him their brother- and I can rarely build up enough energy to plaster a smile on my face and sit through a Sunday roast with his parents. I feel so guilty, because it was incredibly nice of them to let us stay for 3 months at their house, when I would have otherwise had to wait in the States for that time, apart from my DH. Which is why I feel like I can't stand up for myself / my DH / niece when they slag him off, say something derogatory, etc. I was so looking forward to having a second set of parents and I feel crushed that I won't find that in my husbands family. I also feel worried about having children here, as I want them to have grandparents that say they love them and not say hurtful things (I am sure, however, that my FIL will regret the day he attempts to call my toddler fat, if he survives it). I have a hard time telling people that I don't like them, because it makes me feel guilty, and I don't want to make DH feel bad, as he feels pretty guilty about moving away from my family.

I know my situation is not half as bad as some on this thread, and that my only problem is that I come from a great family and expect my great DH to come from one too. I just need to vent (and probably watch less mtv ).

Danielle- I know exactly how you feel. I always wanted a close relationship with my mother in law. Now that I have a mil, I can't figure out why she doesn't like me. She's never called me. Not once in the 3 years I've been with dh. She is icy to me. She buys me crappy gifts and then talks on and on about the wonderful things she got and is doing for her dh's sister. Dh's sister littlerally does and thinks whatever mil does and thinks, so she and I don't get along either.

Step fil is a racist jerk who smokes and drinks 24/7. When dh and I have kids, they will not be going around him

They are all coming through town nxt wk. Mil is dropping off something for dh to fix for her, but they aren't stopping to visit. They are in too big of a hurry to get to the casinos and her dh's family.

Step

We spent Sunday with my MIL and took her shopping for her birthday. All she could do is b*tch & moan about how no one else rang her on her birthday but us (no one else being her 2 older sons) and how that since she gave the £5,000 she was going to give us to her oldest son she hasn't heard from him 'He got his money and doesn't want anything to do with me'...yeah, that's pretty much what we (DH & I) thought would happen.

She went on to make excuses that her oldest son (nearly 50 years old) & his wife were too busy with 'the girls' - the 'girls' are now 21 and 19 years old and are working full time and hardly ever at BiL's house anyway! Seriously woman! Stop making excuses for them! They took your money and you'll not hear from them again until they want more money.

The interesting thing was she asked us how we spent the money she gave us last year and we told her we didn't as it was in an account at the building society waiting for our daughter to turn 18 or go to Uni. She was quite embarrassed after that, and then said she should have given it to us like she had originally planned. She also asked what we had done with the money from the year before - uh we made car repairs, arranged a funeral bond for MiL like she asked us to do and put the rest into DD's college account...she was even more sheepish after that.

Seriously that woman must think so little of us (or me). I don't feel sorry for her, the only reason she gives the money away is so she can renew all her benefits from the council and keep sponging off the government.

Danielle-I was hoping that my MiL would be a bit more open and friendly. But, no. I'm fond of her, but, there are things that she says and does that just make me just stop there. I can't "love" her, and I wish that I did, because she raised my DH who's an awesome husband. She wouldn't allow my aunts to come over to our house after our wedding reception, just to relax and chat. The reasoning was that the spare room was being done up. Umm...pretty sure we could've just shut the door.

She does everything for all of us, but then complains about doing it all-even though we ask and ask if we can help in anyway. She's pushed all of DH's family members away because of some family fall out ages and ages ago, and now DH and I don't have anyone to hang out with or relate to because he doesn't have any mates. I've become friends with HG from the site, but, it would be nice be able to meet some of DH's family as well, and have nice, full holidays like I used to have with my friends and family in the States.

Oh well, we're moving out once I've been able to work more at this nursery/pre school I'm working with now. DH is a bit more hopeful, and it won't be two years as expected, just one.

Oh well, we're moving out once I've been able to work more at this nursery/pre school I'm working with now. DH is a bit more hopeful, and it won't be two years as expected, just one.

Thank goodness for it being shorter then 2 years...Every time I see your name on here I think oh man what happened now and realize how strong you must be.  Honestly no way I could put up with what you do but ya know know when they say I did it for love - YOU ARE!
I do hope it moves quick and you get your own footing sooner then later.

Imissengland & Abbygirl, I am so grateful for this thread, since it is nice to know that is normal to not like your in-laws!

Mil is dropping off something for dh to fix for her, but they aren't stopping to visit. They are in too big of a hurry to get to the casinos and her dh's family.

She doesn't sound like the kind of person that would make visits pleasant anyway. Her loss!

Oh well, we're moving out once I've been able to work more at this nursery/pre school I'm working with now. DH is a bit more hopeful, and it won't be two years as expected, just one

Yay! I'm happy for you guys! After reading your previous posts, you are my personal hero! I love my DH, but I don't think I could have made it through 2 years of his parents (I barely made it 4 months). I hope having an 'escape plan' helps you deal!

Thank goodness for it being shorter then 2 years...Every time I see your name on here I think oh man what happened now and realize how strong you must be.

Seriously, abbygirl, you should bottle your patience and sell it!

 

I couldn't really say anything, so, I just let the icons do it for me. Thanks everyone. It's good to know that I-and everyone else- always have some where to come and vent when we need it. 

MIL makes me want to scream.

The Evil-in-laws stopped by last weekend. Unannounced. Please note: they live three hours from us. They could have given a heads up. They were on their way to gamble. MIL gave DH her laptop to fix. They all used our bathroom. Her husband left the toilet seat up...and peed all over the floor and seat. Then they left. On their way back home,  they picked up the laptop, used our bathroom again, and left. What makes me so upset is that I could see how much it all hurt DH- that his mom was using us a rest stop/computer repair, and couldn't be bothered to stop and spend time with us.

Then I get this email from MIL -

"You have been posting on facebook about the people (My sister and dad and mom, DH's dad) that have been to your apartment to spend time with you ,(DH's sister) reads facebook all the time.  When she puts two and two together and asks why she hasn't been invited to spend time with you a, I hope y'all have a real good answer.  Cause I don't.  I will just say, ask them.  And she will --  hopefully she won't be ultra-emotional when she does."

First of all, My sister came twice to look at colleges. She asked to come. I said okay. My mother came with my sister on one of her trips. My dad - who my sister and I only get to see about twice a year - came when my sister was here on the second trip. DH's dad was in a nearby town for a conference for work, and came by for one night/two days. 

Secondly, there are much nicer, less passive aggressive ways to ask if DH's sister can come for a visit. 

Thirdly, we are driving six hours, round trip, in one day, to go to a special event that lasts for less than two hrs for DH's sister this weekend. It's a big deal to her that we come, so we are going.

Fourth - we've only lived here for six weeks. We don't even have all the boxes unpacked. I just started a new job. I haven't even had time to look at my wedding pics yet. When my sister was here, she cleaned the entire apt for us as a surprise, cooked supper, and helped write wedding thank you notes.

IME, sorry you've got in-laws like that.  

IME, sorry you've got in-laws like that.  

Thanks! I just wish things were different. Mil is estranged from her entire family, except for her mom and my dh. guess she's trying to add me to that category too. :'(