The official UKY inlaw venting thread

Obviously I'm not ready to forgive and forget and I don't know how to get there 

I wouldn't be able to either.  It feels like you have seen the real him and the rest is just an act.  I would be worried about bringing my guard down.

Thanks Jewlz

I wouldn't be able to either.  It feels like you have seen the real him and the rest is just an act.  I would be worried about bringing my guard down.

I honestly believe that he now thinks I'm the best thing that's ever happened to his son.

Legs - Is your DH going to support you in this?

Legs - Is your DH going to support you in this?

I think he does support me.  He sees a lot of what is said, but there are times he doesn't interpret things the same way I do or misses little comments.  But 85% of the time, he agrees that his family is rude to me, even if he thinks I dwell on things too much (I do) and I let things get to me more than I should (I do). 

When we all lived together, I think it totally ruined any chance at any sort of close relationship.  I also think that I complained too much about them during that time, so now when we see them, there's always the fact I can go to my own home to get away from them.

They are so dramatic and weird.  I should write a book about them, but I am afraid they would find out.  I don't really care that much about them finding out, but I'd hate that they'd take anything out on Mr A.  Plus I feel pressure to be good to them for Mr A's sake.

But, for the most part, Mr A can go visit them during the week.  For holidays I don't know what we'll do.  It's our turn to do Christmas this year if we go by alternating years.  I really don't want them here though.  The Christmas before last my father-in-law accused me of lying about refinishing the pine table we use for our desk (it was a raw pine Ikea dealio I did with a really light stain I kept wiping and sanding off and Tung oil when I was still in the States) and my MiL laughed at me having a hard time getting out of the bean bag chair (we let them sit on the regular furniture).  I don't want a repeat.

Maybe you could go to a nice restaurant instead?

I think all of my in-laws were just waiting for me to make a misstep, lol, and they didn't have long to wait!
My husband's cousin began making me feel very welcomed, encouraged me to talk to her and tell her anything (that should have been a red flag to me).  Well, my mom died in May 2010, then my brother in November 2010, so I was grieving as Christmas was looming ahead (although grieving privately as to not drag my husband down). The cousin emailed me to say she was sorry to hear about my brother.  Then I made my mistake. When I emailed her back, thanking her, I began to reminisce about how my mom always made Christmas so special for us kids and it was a great celebration. I knew that my Tom loved Christmas in the USA for that reason (he told me), so I mentioned I wanted to make sure Tom had a great Christmas, too, and that it isn't "just another ordinary day" to him.

Well.... the poo hit the fan. The cousin showed my email to Tom's mum, all upset about it, implying I was making jabs at how they celebrated Christmas. My MIL then mentioned something to my husband (which is how I found out). I promptly phoned up the cousin to set the record straight, but we ended up in a huge dispute as I tried to explain I was only sharing a memory of how my mom did things and how I miss her, etc...   I then phoned my MIL to apologize at the misunderstanding and make amends. Ever since then, the relatives don't have anything to do with me, except for my MIL and one other cousin. My name is mud.   I even told Tom's cousin that she should have talked to me if she had a problem with anything I had written, instead of going behind my back.  I guess what really hurt was this was so soon after my brother died, and I was so heartbroken and needing a friend or just someone here in England to be close to.  My husband had enough problems of his own to think about, so he wasn't really "there" for me, nor did he defend me against his relatives because he didn't want to rock the boat. 

Well, feels good to finally tell someone! Thanks.

Sounds awful, Musician.  Totally sounded like a trap.

Maybe you could go to a nice restaurant instead?

Not an option.  There's only like two restaurants in all of London where my MiL can eat (Coeliac's disease).  I have decided to not even try to vent about this any more.  I can't really get into the details without feeling that I am exposing too much, and I really don't think without the details the situation is really something that makes a whole lot of sense. 

I did somehow get roped into having them over this week (not once, but twice).  I figure I've done my bit for a good while, and deserve some time away from it all.  And, yes, there were bits that were patronising and I was told I was a "clever girl" (hair ruffled) for managing to pull off a gluten free meal (which I have done several times in the past), and bits that were just down right rude, but whatever.  I am sticking to my resolution.  Or at least better than I did this past week.

I think all of my in-laws were just waiting for me to make a misstep, lol, and they didn't have long to wait!
My husband's cousin began making me feel very welcomed, encouraged me to talk to her and tell her anything (that should have been a red flag to me).  Well, my mom died in May 2010, then my brother in November 2010, so I was grieving as Christmas was looming ahead (although grieving privately as to not drag my husband down). The cousin emailed me to say she was sorry to hear about my brother.  Then I made my mistake. When I emailed her back, thanking her, I began to reminisce about how my mom always made Christmas so special for us kids and it was a great celebration. I knew that my Tom loved Christmas in the USA for that reason (he told me), so I mentioned I wanted to make sure Tom had a great Christmas, too, and that it isn't "just another ordinary day" to him.

Well.... the poo hit the fan. The cousin showed my email to Tom's mum, all upset about it, implying I was making jabs at how they celebrated Christmas. My MIL then mentioned something to my husband (which is how I found out). I promptly phoned up the cousin to set the record straight, but we ended up in a huge dispute as I tried to explain I was only sharing a memory of how my mom did things and how I miss her, etc...   I then phoned my MIL to apologize at the misunderstanding and make amends. Ever since then, the relatives don't have anything to do with me, except for my MIL and one other cousin. My name is mud.   I even told Tom's cousin that she should have talked to me if she had a problem with anything I had written, instead of going behind my back.  I guess what really hurt was this was so soon after my brother died, and I was so heartbroken and needing a friend or just someone here in England to be close to.  My husband had enough problems of his own to think about, so he wasn't really "there" for me, nor did he defend me against his relatives because he didn't want to rock the boat. 

Well, feels good to finally tell someone! Thanks.

This sounds so petty!  You know, you didn't say anything wrong.  Some people are just overly sensitive.  It may be down to a lack of self esteem?

Thanks for your input, Hobnob; I appreciate it.  I had a suspicion that the cousin who did this was wanting to set my MIL against me, because the cousin is very very close to her.  The timing just stunk (you know... don't kick a dog when they're already down).

I've come to realise that having regular contact with my inlaws is contraindicative to a positive self-image, happiness, esteem, etc.  I really don't want to get into it, but I realised that I have to take charge of it.  Confronting them won't do any good, so I am not going to bother with them.  I don't need them.  I don't need to care what they think or allow them to make me feel like crap about myself.

I totally agree with you, LA!  You definitely don't need anyone around you who makes you feel bad or tries to belittle you.  I've had to stay away from relatives who are that way, too, but it's difficult when family members get together around the holidays or special occasions. I'm so sorry you are going through this.  Big hugs to you.

Just found this lovely FWD from my MIL in my trash folder (all FWD's from her to my email are filtered to the trash): "If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's.... Then get a dog!" 

This is coming from the woman who either eats out or defrosts something in the microwave. My husband can't remember her ever cooking a homemade meal. 

Someone mentioned this thread in another and I feel like it needs a resurrection! Because our in-laws must still be crazy!

For us, it's mostly been my father-in-law recently. He and my MiL are divorced and he recently mailed her a coffee mug with a photo of our son as a newborn, only his hand had been photoshopped off and replaced with a crucifix. I have no idea what it's even supposed to mean! Of course my MiL thought we were somehow involved in its sending so that was a bit of drama.

We haven't seen much of him (as we think he's a bit off his rocker, tbh) but we sent him a father's day card with a photo of our son in and got an angry email back about how my husband had to stop being nasty to him! Apparently sending him a Father's day card without saying it was from both of us is a "deliberate attack full of nastiness." When I explained that it wasn't normal for me to send him a father's day car in America because he isn't my father, he told me that in England it is normal for DiL's to call their FiL's Dad and send them cards. We think this has something to do with DH's sister not speaking to him anymore, and him trying to find a replacement daughter or something.

In any case, he persisted that things which my husband had done (sending cards, inviting him for holidays, etc.) were full of "hidden traps and nastiness." And that if we ever wanted to see him again we would have to start being nice!(?) Which is really just confusing, to be honest. He started ranting about how my husband was "genetically flawed and evil" (all from his mother's side, of course) and dredging up ancient history--that my husband never learned organ as a teenager like FiL wanted , etc.--as proof of this.

Then, in an almost amusing fashion, he invited himself over to see me and my son and was offended when I said I wasn't comfortable seeing him alone. Sigh. I actually am not sure what to do because I *am* uncomfortable with the idea of seeing him alone but I don't want to cut him out of our son's life. Ugh!

OH I AM SOOOOO ON THIS THREAD.... LOL!

I do love my in laws... BUT... I was out of work for the first year I lived here, and my father in law had to help us out with money, and so now my father in law basically thinks I am a dud wife.

No matter what we said, "We are in an area with no jobs" or "I am finding it hard to even get interviews because i 'have no UK experience' and they do not like that" or "There is a recession" he responded with "WELL, BACK IN MYYYYYY DAY, I WAS NEVER *NOT* ABLE TO FIND WORK..." and "I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW SOMEONE WITH YOUR EDUCATION CANNOT FIND ANY WORK!"

But, I could not find anything. And, I applied for EVERYTHING.

Wel, we moved to London, and I am working now, but, of course, what I am doing is NOT good enough for him. Because it is contract work, and not a full time job.

And, I know, no matter WHAT I do for a living, it is 'not good enough' to him, and, it never will be.

I took on a contract that was hugely successful, and got international press... And I managed it from beginning to end... And I was really proud of myself... And after it ended, all he said was, "Why didn't the company hire you on for full time work?"

Not, "Great job!" Not, "I read all the press about it and it was a huge success, you should be proud!" Not, "Well done!"

Nope. I got, "NOT ENOUGH."

And, I tried to explain that the reason they hired me on contract was because they are a very small company, and fully staffed, but they needed extra help with this one very big job... And that they were happy with my work and said they would bring me back when they had another big job... But, he just glazed over.

I feel like, if I cured AIDS, he would say, "Why didn't you cure cancer?"

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... LOL! SIGH.

And, I do love him... He is just... Impossible to please.

That’s a tough one, missjoules! I guess sometimes people see things in a certain way and no matter what you do, your actions will be interpreted that way.


LaraMascara, this is my concern as well. I'm starting the job search and I'm fully expecting it to be a long, soul-sucking process, but DH and his family seem to think I'll have no problem. So, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be seen as the lazy wife. Whenever I have the job conversation with anyone, I always preface what I say with "the economy is really bad right now and I have no UK experience, so I could be a while before I get anything and I could be even longer until I find something meaningful." They in turn say there are a lot of jobs in the area. I think they are trying to be helpful and supportive and are trying to boost my confidence. However, if they really think I won't have problems, I'm worried about how I'm going to look.

I can't believe your Father-in-Law said that to you. It's a well documented fact that the economy sucks, we're basically on the brink and there is very high unemployment. If you Father-in-Law is difficult to please, stop trying to please him. You're just going to feel like crap when he doesn't give his approval. Just do what you need to do to make yourself happy.

I genuinely like my in-laws, but one thing that really irks me is how stubborn DH’s mother can be. She always has to be right and if DH is having a debate with her about something, she can’t be reasoned with and can be kind of dismissive. Unfortunately, DH also has this quality which I now realize he got from his mother.

LOL... OY VEY... Stubborn English people?! YUP!

Ya know... I am not trying to please him, because I know it is impossible.

I'm trying very hard NOT to have a huge GO at him.

I love him, I respect him, he has helped us out in our time of need, he is a good man... But, he is also pretty out of line sometimes.

With both me, AND my husband.

And, really, he can say whatever he wants about me... I just internally roll my eyes... But, when he gets on my husband, which he does do (I mean, he is just LIKE that, to everyone, all three of his kids!)... well... When he has a go at my hubby, Tiger Mother persona wells up inside me. And at some point, Tiger Mother is gonna jump out of my mouth.

But, ummm... Hopefully NOT this Sunday...

 

Again, he is a good man, but, a pessimist, and from another generation, and he thinks he knows EVERYTHING.

But, dear sir, the world has changed...

Part of me wants to say, "If your generation did not vote in the Tory government, I would HAVE a freakin' job, and so would EVERYONE ELSE."

LOL!

Someone mentioned this thread in another and I feel like it needs a resurrection! Because our in-laws must still be crazy!

For us, it's mostly been my father-in-law recently. He and my MiL are divorced and he recently mailed her a coffee mug with a photo of our son as a newborn, only his hand had been photoshopped off and replaced with a crucifix. I have no idea what it's even supposed to mean! Of course my MiL thought we were somehow involved in its sending so that was a bit of drama.

We haven't seen much of him (as we think he's a bit off his rocker, tbh) but we sent him a father's day card with a photo of our son in and got an angry email back about how my husband had to stop being nasty to him! Apparently sending him a Father's day card without saying it was from both of us is a "deliberate attack full of nastiness." When I explained that it wasn't normal for me to send him a father's day car in America because he isn't my father, he told me that in England it is normal for DiL's to call their FiL's Dad and send them cards. We think this has something to do with DH's sister not speaking to him anymore, and him trying to find a replacement daughter or something.

In any case, he persisted that things which my husband had done (sending cards, inviting him for holidays, etc.) were full of "hidden traps and nastiness." And that if we ever wanted to see him again we would have to start being nice!(?) Which is really just confusing, to be honest. He started ranting about how my husband was "genetically flawed and evil" (all from his mother's side, of course) and dredging up ancient history--that my husband never learned organ as a teenager like FiL wanted , etc.--as proof of this.

Then, in an almost amusing fashion, he invited himself over to see me and my son and was offended when I said I wasn't comfortable seeing him alone. Sigh. I actually am not sure what to do because I *am* uncomfortable with the idea of seeing him alone but I don't want to cut him out of our son's life. Ugh!

Well, your FiL is clearly playing with a different deck than the rest of us. My FiL wants me to call him "Dad" which I'm not comfortable with, but I just avoid addressing him by name and write "Dad" in his Christmas and birthday cards.

With inLaws I tend to default to the belief that it's not your responsibility to maintain a relationship with them.  Since youre not comfortable alone with him (I wouldn't be comfortable alone with a man like that, and I'd think twice about leaving my son alone with him) your husband will need to take the lead in arranging time to be spent together. If he doesn't want to spend time with his father then that's pretty much the ball game.