The official UKY inlaw venting thread

My MIL is generally a very sweet lady, I think we were all just under so much stress while they were down.  She’s not done anything else to make me want to strangle her, haha.  I don’t see our relationship being ruined forever, but I just feel like these wounds are so fresh that I can’t even bear to deal with her at the moment.  I think hubby and I have decided we’re going to travel somewhere for Christmas, sans any family.  Fingers crossed.

Going on a trip for the holidays sounds like exactly the right thing for you right now.  You'll get a one-on-one holiday, a little more space to feel charitably towards your in-laws again and, should the winter seem a bit dreary to your Texas eyes, a chance for some warmth and sunshine. Or, if you prefer, a proper snowy holiday :-)

I'm glad your husband is supporting you in taking care of yourself.  I promise charitable feelings do come back after you allow yourself to have the un-charitable ones, if only quietly to yourself.

So many things I want to vent about, but I won't. Really, the big vent is the ridiculous time it's taking for my spousal visa to be approved.  I want to be able to work and help contribute money so we can move out of my inlaws house!!

I'm tired of my passive aggressive FIL and his daily games, yelling, slamming doors, stealing our food, being drunk, attention seeking and taking advantage of my husband's good nature. He's retired and home all day so every day is a real joy.

My husband is getting a stipend from his father for doing carework at home for his mum. When FIL gets mad about something instead of communicating he just reacts. One time he cut off the automated pay to DH. It was cut off for a month one time because when we were suppose to pay rent, DH's bank was slow transferring money over to his dad's account. (Took 2 days )  Instead of inquiring...boom cuts off payment then we got to pay the nexts month rent one month early. FIL kept saying he'd reinstate the automated work payments... said that week after week. It was just stressful.  It was basically to punish us. It makes me wonder if UKBA not seeing those payments FIL withheld will hurt our app since we must show income.

I have stayed up in my DH and I's room since beginning of August and I don't leave it except to use the bathroom or bathe or very rarely go outside with hubby to go for a walk. (But if we do FIL must not be anywhere on the way to the door out or I have a panic attack) Sounds a bit dramatic, I know. But I can't help how I react around him.  One time when trying to talk to my FIL about some issues DH and I had months ago he blew up, yelled at us, said disrespectful things to me and put his hand on me (not sure if he was going to try to push me down the stairs or what, but I got free from his grasp.) We were told if we ever had any complaints we would not be welcome there and to leave. I've not talked or seen him since.  Before this incident he caused me a lot of stress anyway (I would take valerian root drops to deal with anxiety of being in the same room with him) and I'm not sure why, its some vibe from him. 'He's a charmer to people who don't live here and seeks lots of attention, but to people who live here, he's a nightmare.  Shouts at his disabled wife etc. I love my DH a lot,he does intervene while he can, he too is tired of his father's BS but until this app is approved we are stuck here and can't change our situation much.  I just wish it would hurry and be processed faster so we can get out of dodge!! 

Thank you for letting me vent. 

Err. Really  

J emails me to tell me that his parents came to his house and came into his house looking for him (they have a key)- when he was trying to take a 'relaxing'  bath, because they tried to call him and he didn't answer his phone- they tried 6 times in 20 minutes (he gave me the missed call times) - and they were worried about him, so they came to find him and were yelling about the house.  

It wasn't even that important, because he yelled back down, pulled himself out of the tub and they had left before he even got down the stairs. (assured he was OK.)

WTF    He's 33 years old. Not 7.  Really, I am just gobsmacked  

Oh my goodness... Lately my mother-in-law is getting fed up with me for trying to help around her house because I lived under her house with my husband. It's either I'm doing too much or too little and she gets annoyed with me. I end up crying in my husband's bedroom and he tells me she believes I'm trying to take over her house. I still continue to help out and be polite to her. *sigh* My husband is getting fed up with the drama and seeing me cry. I'm just as fed up as he is. I honestly can't wait to hear from the Border Agency about my marriage visa and start working to help my hubby save up for our first house of our own.

*hugs k0hitsuj!*
It sounds very frustrating - wanting to help out but your MIL constantly complains. 
Have you or your husband spoken to her about this? Or is she the type of person that talking about such things would make things worse? If you or your hubby were able to speak to her, maybe it could be explained that you are not wanting to take over her house, but rather you are helping around the house because you are living there and that is your way of trying to be respectful and helpful as right now, with you unable to work, that is the only way you can help out that doesn't involve money.  Maybe she could give you a list of things she could use help with. (That way she feels like the one in control of things and you still get to help)


I feel for you. I asked my FIL several times if I could clean the house for them as a way to earn my keep when I was on my fiance visa. He would avoid the subject so I would just end up cleaning things and do laundry until it was apparent he was hiding laundry and cleaning stuff from me to prevent me from doing this.    Instead he just complained about money and how slobby my hubby and I were, but still hired in a housekeeper that was terrible and never cleaned anything properly. With some people, I think they just like to complain about anything.

is this vent for the parents or do the Brothers in law count?

I will NOT strangle my know-it-all Father in Law... He is not a bad man.
I will NOT strangle my know-it-all Father in Law... He means well.
I will NOT strangle my know-it-all Father in Law... Negativity is just his nature.

I will NOT strangle my know-it-all Father in Law... Because that would be rude.


I will NOT strangle my know-it-all Father in Law... Sigh.

Grrrrr... I swear, this man has a death wish today.

Lara: I don't think it counts if you use a voo doo doll. Does that help any? 

is this vent for the parents or do the Brothers in law count?

Of course they count!

I will NOT strangle my know-it-all Father in Law... He is not a bad man.
I will NOT strangle my know-it-all Father in Law... He means well.
I will NOT strangle my know-it-all Father in Law... Negativity is just his nature.

I will NOT strangle my know-it-all Father in Law... Because that would be rude.


I will NOT strangle my know-it-all Father in Law... Sigh.

Grrrrr... I swear, this man has a death wish today.

Oh, I hate "it's just their nature".

You should strangle him. After all you couldn't be held accountable- it's "just your nature".

---


Apparently, this weekend DH mentioned to his parents about how they could stay with us for a couple weeks if we got a 3 bed house in the US next year just to shut them up about their complaining about not getting enough holidays. (they are only taking 2 international ones this year because they mismanaged their money- oh no! )

LOL, husband. No.


I am pretty sure hotels (& vodka & zanax) were invented for the express purpose of preventing a murder/suicide scenario when ILs come into town.

*hugs k0hitsuj!*
It sounds very frustrating - wanting to help out but your MIL constantly complains. 
Have you or your husband spoken to her about this? Or is she the type of person that talking about such things would make things worse? If you or your hubby were able to speak to her, maybe it could be explained that you are not wanting to take over her house, but rather you are helping around the house because you are living there and that is your way of trying to be respectful and helpful as right now, with you unable to work, that is the only way you can help out that doesn't involve money.  Maybe she could give you a list of things she could use help with. (That way she feels like the one in control of things and you still get to help)


I feel for you. I asked my FIL several times if I could clean the house for them as a way to earn my keep when I was on my fiance visa. He would avoid the subject so I would just end up cleaning things and do laundry until it was apparent he was hiding laundry and cleaning stuff from me to prevent me from doing this.    Instead he just complained about money and how slobby my hubby and I were, but still hired in a housekeeper that was terrible and never cleaned anything properly. With some people, I think they just like to complain about anything.

*huggles back*
I believe she is one of those ppl where talking about it will make it worse. I'm sure my FIL probably did the talking privately. I do ask if there's anything she would like me to do for her and I know what her answer is before she answers it, "no, thank you.". So, I sit in the living room thinking while watching tv with her and then she gets up to do something. I know she means well because she's on her way to recovery from her new knee and she did say she wants to get back into routine before she goes back to work.

So, I just do what is expected of me as a Christian. My family back in the states are my rock along with my hubby.

Oh, I hate "it's just their nature".

You should strangle him. After all you couldn't be held accountable- it's "just your nature".

---


Apparently, this weekend DH mentioned to his parents about how they could stay with us for a couple weeks if we got a 3 bed house in the US next year just to shut them up about their complaining about not getting enough holidays. (they are only taking 2 international ones this year because they mismanaged their money- oh no! )

LOL, husband. No.


I am pretty sure hotels (& vodka & zanax) were invented for the express purpose of preventing a murder/suicide scenario when ILs come into town.

I miraculously always have to work late when people stay with us So busy, so many deadlines, sorry I'm so *hic* late back!
 

I miraculously always have to work late when people stay with us So busy, so many deadlines, sorry I'm so *hic* late back!
 

My husband is the same way.

My husband is the same way.

And mine. Or he tried to anyway, but starting at like 3 I send "WHEN ARE YOU COMING HOME I'M DYING!" Messages.

I miraculously always have to work late when people stay with us So busy, so many deadlines, sorry I'm so *hic* late back!
 

I telecommute and DH has a rule that they can't be unsupervised around our child, which would be hard to enforce when they are all up in our business 24/7 for 2 weeks. 

Highly doubt they would actually make plans to visit us. They don't do it now and are very against him moving.

I'm mostly annoyed the eyestrain I developed from the bitchface I shot at him and the skyrocketed blood pressure when he said it. But I figure payback will come in spades if they ever decide they want to visit and he gets to manage their expectations & tantrums.




k0hitsuj! & StealthG- I know what you are talking about. We lived with the ILs when I first moved over. I was raised to help out and automatically started clearing/doing the dishes. My ILs would NEVER say anything to me, but would talk about how rude I was being in the next room until my 4yo niece told me 

Talking about it didn't help us at all- they wouldn't give a list of chores or expectations.

But then I noticed that they only did dishes 1x a week and never cleaned. So if DH & I wanted to eat I would HAVE to clean a dish. MIL would hide the dish soap from me! I bought a couple spare bottles, hid them and cleaned in secret.

My SIL moved in recently and noticed MIL hiding the cleaning things from her, as well. When she bought new cleaning products, MIL flipped. She was pissed SIL (and I guess I) wanted to help because she felt 'judged' for not cleaning.

I know my ILs are 'different', but I can't understand normal people not liking a little extra help. I would especially expect my adult children to do so without talks or negotiation if they were living in my house!

((hugs)) k0hitsuj!- The only thing that got me through was vodka and signing a lease the second I got a job.