Dating an Englishman (possibly)

To me it seems that the OP is somewhat seduced by the British Charm and excitement over the fact that he is foreign/has an accent... But I gotta tell you, I don't even notice Vincent's accent anymore! after about the first year... And I have to say that even though it is exciting now, these things will become commonplace down the road and the OP would eventually not notice them...

If she feels like she has a REAL connection with this man, then yeah, go for it. But if it's just kind of a sort of flirtation, maybe she shouldn't put herself through the trouble/pain.

I totally agree here with Princesslemons and MB here too!   If there is definitely something special about this guy, then check it out - see where it leads, but if you are unsure or may be thinking "oh this could be fun and adventurous because hes foreign and new", then I wouldnt  go any further if I were her.   I guess my red flag here is that the OP is on a forum for people who are in a place in their relationship where they are preparing or have already moved to be with their SO, and she has only just met this man.. that hints to me (which could be totally wrong) that she may be caught up in the excitement of an LDR (cute words, accents, etc) rather than looking at it from other, more appropriate POVs.  
But, best of luck to you, no matter what you decide! ... and no, there are no across the board differences when it comes to dating a British man.  SaraSmile's opinion on Brit's take on casual sex has not been my experience at all, so it will depend on the particular person rather than their country of birth.

US:
In general, dating is a done thing.  You meet someone and ask them out.  You might start with coffee to get to know someone.  As some point, proper dates are not uncommon -- meaning the two of you for dinner/movie/etc.  As some point, it then becomes an exclusive thing.  Also not weird to meet someone in a grocery story or other generic place.  One night stands are more associated with university age or are infrequent. 

UK:
Going out on the pull at a club (i.e. for a one night stand or f*ck buddy), is not uncommon and is not associated with university age.  It is more or less what you do until you are ready for a "committment" style relationship.  You would never really ask someone out from a generic place like a grocery store.  Dates, like dinner, are not really done.  If you aren't ready for a committment, you are more apt to casually date someone by inviting them with friends to the pub.

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So what I have learned is until the UK person is ready for a committment, sex and casualness is really the order of the day.  What I consider to be the middle ground -- dating -- is really missed out in the UK.  I found the casualness of sex quite strange to get used to, because it indicates to me some type of committment, but in the UK, that same connotation does not exist.

Again, this is my experience but I have had conversations about this to many of my British friends and they agree with the assessment.  Also to give context, this applies to my friends from about 25 - 35 years of age.  In London.

ETA:  I think LDR would be a completely different experience regarding my generalisations on "dating," simply because the circumstances are not the same.

See, I had the opposite experience in the US.   Mind you, this was on the West Coast, about 7-8 years ago, and I was 30-31.

But I got really fed up about how you were supposed to be 'casual', including sex, and behave like 8th graders until you had this rather adolescent 'talk' about monogamy.  You were expected to behave like something out of Gossip Girl with grown men and it grew tiresome quickly to me.

I thought it was just me, but I get a few US mags from my mom, admittedly with articles directed at parents (showing my age here) and in one was a very interesting article about dating these days and a quote from an interesting book, which I later read, entitled 'Unhooked:  How Women Persue Sex and Delay Love and Lose at Both'.

I can see where MB is coming from, however.  Absolutely! 

I threw caution to the wind once and lemme tell you, I am damned lucky to be sitting where I am just now.  I really and truly am.

For some folks, and LDR isn't for them, either. 

Of course, there's only one way to find out, so by all means, indulge yourself if that's how it is and it's all good and best of luck! 

I say throw caution to the wind!! Enjoy the good time while it lasts, and if it doesn't work out, hey ho! Thats life! I have no idea why anyone would jump to conclusions from that one email about his being married...

Enjoy, a long distance relationship might just be the most exciting thing ever to happen to you, and you never know where it might take you. Enjoy it, fall in love if you so desire.

Have fun! This is your life, and you won't get another chance at it!!!
 

LOl, Racheeee, I think you are my soulmate!  I say go for it. Have fun! If it starts to look like it may be getting serious, then you can worry about what he is "really about." Men are men are men, but if you don't take chances in life because you are afraid the worst may happen, then you risk nothing good ever happening, either. It's an experience either way, so live it up! 

I also wanted to add, that I did not post my huge novel to necessarily discourage the OP.  I think fundamentally, if you want to go for it, GO FOR IT!!!

It was the part in the first post that mentioned that they made out a lot in that evening -- not that there is nothing wrong with that mind you.  Not only did I remember my own experiences of getting used to British men here, but also was reminded of a recent situation which may be relevant here as well.  

My BF (who is ready for commitment   ) went on a road trip to the US a few weeks ago.  He went with this one guy Mark, who had just returned from a previous trip to the US.  So in Mark's previous trip, he met a lovely girl and totally charmed her.  He acted just as he would in the UK, went clubbing with her, casual sex, etc.  He mentioned that he would be returning to the area for the road trip and wanted to see her again.  He did see her again during the road trip -- same behavior as before -- and at the end said have a nice life basically.  She was very upset because his behavior indicated something more than just casualness and for him he just saw it as guaranteed fun while he was in the US.  BF and a couple of the other guys who where there told him not to do this, as she would see it differently.  These are all guys who I have discussed the cultural differences with.  And sure enough, when I met up with them after the road trip, we again discussed how there were differences and how Mark found this so strange, as he had never been exposed to it before.

At the end of the day, this is antecdotal, so take it or leave it. But something for the OP to think about while she is trying to decide what to do.

 

My BF (who is ready for commitment   ) went on a road trip to the US a few weeks ago.  He went with this one guy Mark, who had just returned from a previous trip to the US.  So in Mark's previous trip, he met a lovely girl and totally charmed her.  He acted just as he would in the UK, went clubbing with her, casual sex, etc.  He mentioned that he would be returning to the area for the road trip and wanted to see her again.  He did see her again during the road trip -- same behavior as before -- and at the end said have a nice life basically.  She was very upset because his behavior indicated something more than just casualness and for him he just saw it as guaranteed fun while he was in the US.  BF and a couple of the other guys who where there told him not to do this, as she would see it differently.  These are all guys who I have discussed the cultural differences with.  And sure enough, when I met up with them after the road trip, we again discussed how there were differences and how Mark found this so strange, as he had never been exposed to it before.

At the end of the day, this is antecdotal, so take it or leave it. But something for the OP to think about while she is trying to decide what to do.

I kind of think your BF's friend is a sleeze for doing that.  If the OP's British guy acts like him, I'd call him a sleeze too.

Thank goodness there are good guys out there like your BF and mine!

I kind of think your BF's friend is a sleeze for doing that.  If the OP's British guy acts like him, I'd call him a sleeze too.

Thank goodness there are good guys out there like your BF and mine!

No argument there from me.  I HATE it.  But the point I am trying to get across, is that isn't unique, IME.  And I have a diverse group of friends, spanning a decade in age, with many different professions.  If my friends were more narrow in scope, I would tend to say that there was a theme but they aren't -- except for culture.  There may be elements of it being London and you get different behavior in a big city, but other than that....

Thank you all....

I am a bit annoyed at the moment because I typed a reply and somehow didn't post it.  Grrr.....  So here is the shortened version:

I didn't swoon over his accent or British charm. I swear!!! We were making eyes at each other from across the pool for an hour before he approached me. Honestly I just thought he was a mid-westerner or something with the fair skin and light eyes!  On our "proper" date, we talked and talked, and paid more attention to what he said than how it sounded!

We talked about family, friends, work, etc.  He was pretty open - so I don't feel he was hiding anything.  And JUST as I sat down to type, he called me!  I lost my voice the day after our date, so we had not talked until today (voice still bad).  However, I can "test" by calling instead of responding to a text or e-mail at a time when he should be at home! :-)

I will definitely be on the look out for anything out of the ordinary! In fact, one of my girlfriends who was there with me was pushing me to talk to him, and I said "he's clearly from out of town, and he could be MARRIED!" She commented that there was no ring, but I know that doesn't mean anything.

When I took him back to the hotel after our date (he had arrived by cab and I offered), we kissed for like 10 minutes in my car.  He didn't ask me to his room - was very respectful. Usually someone married or just out for something casual will try.  He did no such thing. 

So my main concerns are how is US vs UK dating different? I mean, in the US we typically date more than one person (without intimacy) until we commit.  Also, US women tend to hold out for a long time when we want a real relationship (sexually frustrating as all hell!!!!), but I have read that UK folks really don't see early sex as a deal breaker - and could quite possibly think I am not interested if not going there....

So BEFORE starting a LDR (fortunately he is here often and thinking of moving here), I am still accepting dates (again - no intimacy - I could explode at any moment!) and waiting to see what happens.  But I don't want to be confused or cause any confusion!

Thank you for all your responses and for letting me take over the board for a moment!

Amy 

Amy, as to the issue of "any differences in dating" a UK or US man, I would say that while there are always some cultural differences -- many a board on this site is all about differences many here need support for, there's no denying -- when it comes to dating, I don't think you can believe hard and fast ideas like "I have read that UK folks really don't see early sex as a deal breaker".

Just like in the US, it's more individual than that.....some do. Some don't.

That is a generalization and a stereotype that doesn't always apply. Personally I think these kind of stereotypes about sexual mores are actually pretty misleading and thus mildly dangerous to take as gospel -- dangerous only in the sense that you can misjudge a person completely and that would be a pity.

SOME UK people jump into bed fast and easy. SOME UK people want to get to know a person. Just like.......SOME US people jump into bed fast and easy.....and....SOME US people want to get to know a person.....you can't generalize. This is one of those things that one must take on a person-by-person, case-by-case basis.

Meaning: don't think of him as someone from another planet with different mores. When wondering when to take the step to bed, just do what you would do with any man in your own country -- do what's right FOR YOU. Do what YOUR timing would normally be, or what feels right, no matter that the man is American, British, or Martian. 

Cultural differences in this are not the most important thing -- human beings are human beings at the end of the day, and if you operate just the same way in the timing with this man as you would with any other, he should respect whatever that is, no matter where he's from. Don't get caught up with "what will he interpret this timing as, according to his own country's sexual mores?" It's not that different. People wait, or people jump into bed....everywhere (and there's nothing wrong with either nor anything inbetween). Relax and just do what you would normally do.

MB,

Thank you so much!

I planned to proceed according to my own mores and feelings. But someone from work scared me a bit.  He is a US guy that lived in the UK for a while, and he said the dating culture is very different. He wouldn't elaborate, just gave me a wink and smile.  Of course that sent me into a tail-spin and had me all over the internet looking up information! (I tend to be cautious - there are some really weird people out there!).

All in all, this guy just seems so genuine. It's a refreshing change from the typical "My job is X and I own all kinds of things and make lots of money so you should have sex with me because girls like you want guys with money."  Oh, and if you hold out you must be a gold digger who wants to marry the 1st rich guy she meets and you are trying to trap me.

I am exagerating of course, but that's what happens here A LOT. Very superficial! The London guy and I didn't talk money at all.  I know he works for BP, he knows what I do and that I own a home.  That's pretty much it on the financial discussion (which was incidental).  While $ is nice, the men attached to it are many times not so nice. But I digress....

He seems content with life, smitten with me, and genuine.  If he truly is thinking of moving here, then I think this could be meant to be.... I am a stong believer in fate, but also a strong believer in caution.  I have never been to the UK, and have always wanted to visit there!  This could be a great reason to visit!

Life certainly is interesting!  You all have been so wonderful with your responses and concerns. I truly appreciate that people all over the world care about others!

Amy :-)

So my main concerns are how is US vs UK dating different? I mean, in the US we typically date more than one person (without intimacy) until we commit.  Also, US women tend to hold out for a long time when we want a real relationship (sexually frustrating as all hell!!!!), but I have read that UK folks really don't see early sex as a deal breaker - and could quite possibly think I am not interested if not going there....

The Denver dating so-called 'scene' must have been a parallel universe then.

I don't, however, have any experience of the dating 'culture' in England, because I came straight to Scotland and was well-fed up of 'dating' when I met DH, whom I originally met when a mutual friend introduced us as lodger-landlord.   

MB,

But someone from work scared me a bit.  He is a US guy that lived in the UK for a while, and he said the dating culture is very different. He wouldn't elaborate, just gave me a wink and smile.  Of course that sent me into a tail-spin and had me all over the internet looking up information! (I tend to be cautious - there are some really weird people out there!).

That may have been what that guy at your workplace believes based on a number of factors that may be unique to him....the circles he was hanging with, the kind of women he gravitated toward and even the kind of places he met them in....there are so many factors that make him believe what he told you.

On the other hand, I too have lived in both the US and the UK, as he has, and, like him I have dated in both countries......yet I would say the opposite of what your work colleague says.....I would say I found NO difference whatsoever in the dating mores over here to over there. I found the same spectrum range while meeting and dating men in the US as I found in the UK. Things vary from individual to individual, from date to date, etc. Some want to rush, some don't, and everything inbetween. I have found that no matter where you go, no matter which country, nor even which city, one can notice from not just one's own experiences  but also from those around, that there are people occupying ALL stages of the spectrum of "how soon to make it intimate". It can even change within one person's history -- each of us here have probably gone there quickly with someone at one stage of our life, then the next partner it was a different process...even within one individual it will be different, and that is not unique to any country either.

Like I mentioned, people are people. My instant instinct is to tell you your workmate is so wrong....but then again what he experienced formed his opinion. And again.... that experience of his, and opinion of his, is based on a lot of factors unique to where he went, who he is, and who he met and where he met them.

My experience of dating in each country and therefore my opinion is 180 degrees different from his....and so my advice is as I posted before: Don't worry about hearsay, stereotypes, etc.....just deal with how things are going between you and this man, as an individual, exactly as you would gauge things with any other man.

I have found that no matter where you go, no matter which country, nor even which city, one can notice from not just one's own experiences  but also from those around, that there are people occupying ALL stages of the spectrum of "how soon to make it intimate". It can even change within one person's history -- each of us here have probably gone there quickly with someone at one stage of our life, then the next partner it was a different process...even within one individual it will be different, and that is not unique to any country either.

Totally agree! Thank you for setting my mind at ease! I just have to be true to myself and do what's comfortable for me.

I am not a Brit-o-phile but if it were Daniel Craig, It's would have been on at the pool!  LOL!

I have never been particularly interested in UK men (more like Italian and Spanish), so this is new and I didn't know how to proceed. Seems to be that, if things go well, we will work out what works for both of us. Which is how it should be regardless of where each individual is from!

Amy 

OH!  And a typical stereotype here in the US is that the 3rd date guarantees intimacy!  ::)Thought I would point out that stereotypes abound on both sides.

That's a funny one...  And there are a lot of disappointed guys even from the US who make THAT assumption!

Amy 

OH!  And a typical stereotype here in the US is that the 3rd date guarantees intimacy!  ::)Thought I would point out that stereotypes abound on both sides.

That's a funny one...  And there are a lot of disappointed guys even from the US who make THAT assumption!

Amy 

I never really thought of it as a sterotype, but Tim and I joked about it.

After reading this thread, I now feel about a thousand years old.