Just have vent-moving here has changed everything I thought about America!

Have you tried joining any groups and the like? Political groups, the WI, sports, craft groups? I've met people doing all sorts of weird things over the years (my new goal is to do roller derby!) Seriously, even going to lectures has allowed me to engage in friendly chats which have led to friendships over time. And most of my friends are awesome feminists, queer kids, activists, artists and general badasses, so there's definitely room to build the environment that you want. And whilst the subtle racism here can be grating, I don't have to worry about being murdered on the streets by cops like in the US, so that's a great bonus.

London has been my saviour in a lot of ways, and I absolutely adore it, but it's also a hard city to break into and lots of people just don't manage it. But you should definitely see other parts of the UK before making up your mind about it. Yorkshire is wondrous, especially the moors, Northumberland is beautiful (spend a winter weekend in a holiday cottage near Bamburgh or Lindisfarne, it's magical). I spent Boxing Day one year driving into Scotland and watching the waves crash against the jagged coast and felt total bliss. I'd also recommend Devon, Dorset and Cornwall for sheer natural beauty (have ice cream in Lyme Regis on the Jurassic coast and your life will change). Visit a nice seaside town and visit a sh*t one, play arcade games and mini golf and you'll feel like a teenager again. I'm a city girl through and through, but I will always jump at a chance to visit British countryside to unwind. And if you want a complete change of scene, it's cheap and quick to visit Europe and North Africa. London is it's own country, for better or worse, it doesn't represent England at all, just like NY and LA don't represent the US.

I just don't think it's healthy to dwell on how much you hate something, especially if you can't change your situation for a while. I've done it on a more micro level (I hate the house I live in and I've lived in it for 8 years with roommates, despite being married for 5) and it made me physically ill and deeply depressed. It wasn't helpful and it made things worse, so I've learned to just view it as an experience that will lead to what I actually want, which helps a bit. I'm no optimist (far, far from it in fact), but sometimes you just have to carve your own niche in order to stay sane. I've been in London now for 8 years and I couldn't imagine being anywhere else (except Berlin, because it's awesome).

@SallyDraper @Larissa (thanks would love talk more, will PM you) @City of Villages thanks for your messages and feedback. all helpful.

just an update as i have been busy this past month, things were looking up, really up. I was doing an art project where I was able to meet new people have have people involved in what i was doing. and work was going well and had been really social and some people at work had really been supporting me. and to top it off, i had people from the US visit.

but i had a breakdown last weekend because what had been a high felt like it was all crashing down. A girl (british) had a party at work and i was one of the few not invited. to be fair, i dont know her that well. but i know that she invited other people she wasnt close to either. the big thing was, it was a mexican themed party, with people wearing sombreros and all. and guess what? i'm mexican. i dont know if that's the reason i wasn't invited but it really hurt.

also, i feel more and more insane regarding my in-laws. i feel like a piece of dirt sometimes. they dont know me at all and i feel as though i'm only the woman who is married to their son and not an individual. and they treat him like he's a king and god's gift to humanity. one of them actually said to me, "you are lucky to be married to him."  thankfully, my DH came back with "i'm lucky to be with her." but its as if being married to him is my biggest accomplishment. not that fact that i went to a nice uni, have lot of unique experiences under my belt, have a good career. nope, none of that matters. (and mind you, none of them have done what i have.) also, my DH had trouble with women before me, and it's like I'm the desperate one who landed a husband.

so now i'm back to feeling low again. and it's hard to shake off. even though there are still good things to be happy about. i just feel like i'm losing myself and people dont see me at all and i cant be myself.

and @SallyDraper i looove the idea of going to costco and its something i hadnt thought of!

also, as much as i complain about london, i think i'd take that over living outside of the city any day. at least it's diverse here, which is the saving grace and actually the thing that is keeping me sane! i dont think i could stand being outside of it where the "i hate foreigners" attitude is much heightened!  so i'd say try it!

and @SallyDraper i looove the idea of going to costco and its something i hadnt thought of!

also, as much as i complain about london, i think i'd take that over living outside of the city any day. at least it's diverse here, which is the saving grace and actually the thing that is keeping me sane! i dont think i could stand being outside of it where the "i hate foreigners" attitude is much heightened!  so i'd say try it!

Hey Lalala75, I tried PMing you, but for some reason, I don't have any messages coming up in my 'outbox'. I'll try sending again. So, sorry if you get multiples of the same message! haha awkward...

@SallyDraper i got it. sent you one back, hope u got it

but i had a breakdown last weekend because what had been a high felt like it was all crashing down. A girl (british) had a party at work and i was one of the few not invited. to be fair, i dont know her that well. but i know that she invited other people she wasnt close to either. the big thing was, it was a mexican themed party, with people wearing sombreros and all. and guess what? i'm mexican. i dont know if that's the reason i wasn't invited but it really hurt.

With all due respect, if you are giving off "I hate it here" vibes, or your workmates perceive you to be on a constant downer, they may feel less inclined to socialize. As far as a Mexican-themed party goes, it probably wasn't remotely authentic food or dress for that matter, and the hostess may have felt you would criticize. Can't say for sure as I don't know you or them, but you are convinced you would be much happier back in California, and that's got to be pretty evident in your interactions.

England is England. Personally, I find life here far better. It's not the USA and I don't want it to be. Sure I see negatives, just as I did in the USA, but I concentrate on the positives. Lots of in-laws think their son/daughter 'could have done better'. That's universal; let their attitude be their problem, not yours. The best comment is "we are lucky to have each other", and turn the conversation in a different direction.

If your reaction changes, perhaps their attitude toward you will change in time as well. If not, well, you still hold the higher ground.

@vadio pretty sure that this forum exists because its not as simple as magically erasing all your feelings and frustrations

This thing with the in-laws...this is emotionally abusive. Plain and simple. You fit the profile very well, a person away from friends and family, in a new and strange environment. Again, the vulnerability of the immigrant.
 

Making friends as an adult is never easy, no matter where you are, and being in a large city makes it all that much harder.  It hurts that you weren't invited to the birthday party, but I wouldn't take it personally especially if work is generally going well.  Friends don't happen overnight, especially as an adult.

Your in-laws suck, plain and simple, and that's probably nothing to do with you but with them.  No one would be good enough for their little prince.  As long as your husband is on board, you're golden!

I think for your in laws you simply have too high of hopes.  I'm sure it's hard when you feel as though they don't like you but so few people have one big happy family with their in laws.  Avoid them when you can, make sure your DH and you are on the same side, and take them as they come.  I'd wager that a lot of people don't have more than a cordial relationship with their in laws.  If you come across as desperate for their approval or friendship and wanting to share your experiences with them they're going to take advantage of that.  Shrug them off and move on.  Or leave an application for a US green card half filled out with your DH's name on it next time they come over.  Kidding!!

@Larissa big lol to the green card idea! this is actually the biggest reason why there is tension, MIL is afraid I will move back and take DH away. Almost everytime we come over, we get asked if we will move. She even has a hard time when he comes over to America for holidays and flipped when we went over last year. (Excuse me for wanting to see my family my first year away) Anyway, I could go on and on. good point about it never being an easy relationship. i mean, it's not like its really terrible but adds to me feeling alienated and homesick. I know many people have way worse!

Also, i think i shut down now when i am with them, or rather MIL mainly. so come off as a sulky teenager not wanting to be there but the only solution i can come up with for right now. when i tried to be open and friendly, it didnt work out at all. i just dont want to give any ammunition so dont say anything.

You cannot 'magically erase your feelings', but you can control your reactions to your in-laws and stop focusing on the negatives.

I avoid people who are constantly on a downer, and only want to talk about all the things that are wrong in their lives. We all moan, we all have bad days, but if you are totally focused on the negatives, that vibe emanates, and after a while most people simply get tired of hearing it.

No one is suggesting that you become Little Mary Sunshine, but if you step back and ask yourself "if I met me, would I want to spend time and become friends with me"....and view yourself from the perspective of co-workers, family etc., you may just find that you need to re-focus.

You cannot control what anyone else does or says, nor can you change anyone else. You are in charge of your own happiness.

You cannot control what anyone else does or says, nor can you change anyone else. You are in charge of your own happiness.

That is true.  It's also true that money can't buy happiness...but it's hard to feel sad when you're riding a jet ski around the Caribbean!

And it's a hell of a lot easier to choose happiness and positivity if you're in an environment and situation where you feel safe, respected, included, and in control of your life. 

And it's a hell of a lot easier to choose happiness and positivity if you're in an environment and situation where you feel safe, respected, included, and in control of your life. 

I'm swooning!

@woadgrrl amen!  @vadio it's just not very helpful just to say, "stop being such a downer." your advice is good advice, its just not the way people function. as woadgrrl put it so perfectly, sometimes you arent in the right situation to be positive. by your logic, i could be surrounded by starving puppies and say, "oh well, i'm not going to let it get to me, look at the bright side."

and most of all, if you've read this thread, ive said i've tried to do all i can do make the situation better. i have put myself out there more than ever but sometimes that doesnt work either

We have only been back a week, so we aren't settled yet and likely won't be for at least another month. Heck.....my wife and I are 54+57 and we are living with her parents....how sad is that??   Back in my early days in the UK 1980-87 I ran a lot so I had quite a few people I knew on the local athletics club. Now that I am older.....with many broken parts....and 30lbs heavier...I still might join the running club wherever we end up even though I can't run much. If for no other reason than to get a little more social time. I'm likely to join up with a local golf club for the same reason. I walk a lot now, but my walking is a bit running influenced so I tend to go like hell which would keep me from joining a walking group. After working on RAF/American bases for years.....I always used to see people who hated where they lived and couldn't wait until they got back to the US. Not me....I don't see the US as being anything special. I do not live around London.....and no urge to. Large cities are a real pain for me. We are in Harrogate at the moment....but I find Harrogate to be a pain. Traffic is terrible. We are looking at living in a smaller town South of Huddersfield at this time.....sitting in traffic is the next thing to being tortured for me....